Loneliness Is Underrated

to whom this may concern,

fuck it i'll get straight to the point. over the course of these last couple of months ive felt lonelier than ive ever been. this is due to the fact that i spend more time in my head than i am in reality. im stressing over things that i can take my time on. i always put everyone else before me, and i will continue to do that, but this time i have to come first. i have alot at stake at the moment, and i cant afford to mess up. if anyone that i know is reading this, thanks for reading. seeing on my stats that people really do read my entries makes me happy. you really do make a difference. unfortunaely, the severity of my loneliness is whats keeping me from sleeping at night. how i will fix that, im not sure yet, but i always find a way. self realization is a painful experience that i wish no one has to go through, but it helps you grow. this post will be just that.

i knew i had a problem. i was very well aware of it. i just didnt know how severe it was. i was on vacation recently. i wanted to go out and go to museums and to parks and all other kinds of bullshit. it was a friday, so i decided to go out to the store and pick up a few CD's. by this time it was barely 11am, and i had done everything i needed to that day. thats when it hit me. i started to drive out west, and during the whole time, i thought to myself, i have absolutely no one to talk to or hang out with. that was one of the ugliest feelings ive ever felt. this whole week went to waste and i had done absolutely nothing. i  had no one to visit, had no one to talk to, nothing. emptiness took over and filled me up like a bottle of water. how far gone had i been to realize this until now?

   
that's part of the reason why im here writing my ass off. maturity is starting to kick in and im learning how to prioritize my life. another part is that i have to focus on myself instead of trying to write something that doesnt apply to me. ive written about the same subject too many times. every time i write on here my mind goes back to memories that i would much rather forget. part of the reason i started to write on here was to help me get over a few things that had been bothering me. again, unfortunately its done just the opposite. my inability to overcome these memories and emotions just further solidify my reason to stop writing. i will still leave this blog up so people can read past posts, and once in awhile, i will return to check up on it. with that being said, take this post as the obituary to my blog, because as of today, i will no longer be writing anything, anywhere. maybe forever.

500 Days Of Summer

i highly recommend this indie classic. a story of boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl doesnt.

alot of people can connect with this movie. raw, real, and pretty fucking funny.

...........................

all i have to say is

worst. vacation. EVER.

i dont even want to talk about it.......

Sight I See

i saw you out there in the street,
your smile as bright as ever.
it brought warmth to my soul,
ive waited for this moment forever.

i keep my distance away from you,
i savor the moment till we meet.
composing a message to give to you,
your loveliness the first thing i'll greet.

i think about the golden years,
how we would confess our fears.
smiling like there's no tomorrow,
just living on the time we borrow.

accompanied by your smaller self,
things have changed since we went our ways.
all of a sudden i stop myself,
its better off to see you another day.

you walk across the street,
the moment just seems too strange.
your happy in this phase of life,
and i dont want that to change. 

i watch you from a distance,
and enjoy the sight i see.
because in my heart i know,
you're better off forgetting me.



writing mode. pretty depressed right now. oh well. another day. another entry. more to come. alot more. alot in my head at the moment.

Life Is A Trip

life is a trip. it really is. i just recently saw the Red  Hot Chili Peppers in concert this past saturday. i must say, god was looking out for me last week.

it starts out last tuesday. i was just browsing through facebook when i read a post a OLD friend put up. FLOOR SEAT TICKETS TO THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS FOR SALE! i immediately called her up and told her i was more than happy to get them off her hands. it just so happens that the past month i was looking for tickets. and the cheapest i found was $250 each. saturday came and the rest was history. ever since the show, i realized how everything came into place. god knew how bad i wanted to see them live. RHCP is tied for #1 on my favorite bands list next to legendary Guns N' Roses.

the concert was everything and more that i hoped for. frontman anthony kiedis ran around stage like he was still in his 20's, when in reality, he's turning 50 november 1st. he sounds even better live. i do miss john frusciante on guitar though. he brought soul and depth into their live performances, but josh did a wonderful job playing all of their older hits. flea is just a monster on bass, he plays as funky as they can come, and he by far is the craziest one in the band. last but not least, chad smith has to be one of the baddest ass drummers i have ever seen. at first glance you will definitely confuse him for will ferrell. they look like exact twins. never missing a beat and improvising like a true professional.

their setlist consisted of a mix of old and new. rain dance maggie and look around were present. of course under the bridge, cant stop, by the way, and around the world were among the fan favorites. the 2 songs i almost cried to were californication and............scar tissue. when i heard the opening lick for scar tissue, i had this overwhelming feeling of joy and sadness. this song is the anthem of my life, and i finally heard it live. ive been a fan since 99 when the cd Californication came out. i was 8 years old. im 21 now, and finally hearing it come through kiedis's live vocals was almost a little too much for me.  it was that beautiful.

this concert meant much more to me than just another night out. RHCP has been the basis to alot of the poems i write here. some of the posts on here come directly from their song titles, and after this show, expect alot more to come. creativity has been my main outlet to let my voice be heard, even if nobody is there. music is such a beautiful thing. sure, most of what i hear today is total garbage, but i have a huge respect to all musicians out there. im one too. and if youve been reading my posts, all of you know just how important music is to me. the air that i breathe, the blood in my veins, the nerves to my brain. music is all that and so much more to me.    

Anthony Kiedis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minor Thing

on the road to find the way,
to fortune, money, music, fame.
saturday night we go to play,
cause music is my aeroplane.

sold out show to see the best,
floor seats sold to pay my rent.
the music puts the soul to rest,
the lyrics seeming heaven sent.

long lines in the humid breeze,
cant stop dancing on the floor.
sing the hits the crowd you please,
from the super rich to the dirt poor.

smiles and applause,
the unity of every nation.
the music is our cause,
we define californication.

writing for the sake of fun,
lyrics done to the crowds appeal.
venice queen out in the sun,
scar tissue that will never heal.

leaving with a smile for me,
the stadium all in unison sing.
inspiration for all to see,
its just a minor thing, and im a minor king.




i love writing for fun again! i feel so liberated! and im ridiculously happy at this moment. all the words in bold are actually songs from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. check them out. to me, Minor Thing is a feel good song that i listen too when driving around. seeing them live, i can die happy now.

Pizza and Coffee

it starts off the same. my dream i mean. waking up off the floor of an unknown apartment. my own, maybe. last nights pizza and coffee taste still lingering in my tongue. an ashtray the size of mt everest is still smoldering. the tv is on, its the morning news. nothing good as usual. the gears in my brain try to work out whats going on, but im met with the throbbing pain of a freshly closed bullet hole my left shoulder. 2 inches lower and i wouldnt be telling this story. getting up was no easy task with one arm, especially after youve downed one to many hydrocodone pills. it all made sense.

i crawl across the floor to the couch and use it as leverage to get me up. i was a shitty mess. someone took the time to help me change into my soccer shorts. i thanked whoever that brave soul was in my head. the flashbacks started, and it was something i didnt want to relive.

the previous night i was on patrol with someone i could never put a face to, and i couldnt tell you what city im in if my life depended on it. we were responding to a traffic-stop-turned-shootout call in an apartment complex. the officers in need of assistance were close by. we get there and take cover next to the other cops. i didnt know how many subjects there were, my mind went into survival mode. i tell my partner that we should out flank them. he agrees and we make a run for the next apartment unit. we then separate, i take the right, he takes the left of the building. one of the first rules of police work is to NEVER split up. i was about to learn why.

we were about to meet up on the other side of the building when i hear gunfire being exchanged. i see my partner shoot a subject in the leg and neutralize him, now going in for the arrest. i follow from a distance when all of a sudden a shadow from the alley comes out and shoots him point blank in the neck. time seemed to speed up, because in a few seconds i exchanged bullets with the shadow and got hit myself, but i took him down.

i never remembered the rest. i see myself falling an immense pain that it almost felt real. no bulletproof vest. it weighed me down. apparently i blacked out from loss of blood. when i asked about my partner, he was dead at the seen. my stomach dropped and i let out a tired and bloody whimper. i failed.



 thats when i wake up. i felt like total shit when i did. the dream felt so real. the pain, the nausea, the emotions. unfortunately i cant recreate my dream through words, but if i could capture it on film, i wouldnt be able to watch it. im a few months away from beginning my career as a cop. im gonna do it, there's no stopping me. but this dream made me realize: this is real shit. the dream was a warning sign to something i may one day experience, and i hope i never do. and its just the murder of my friend im talking about. this dream incorporates my biggest fear of all: failure. i failed to protect him. it was my idea to separate. i should have stayed close. i let him down. i let his family down. i let myself down. i cant fail in my job. i have zero margin for error. im mentally preparing myself to see some of the worst crimes ever committed. it feels like my moral duty for me to start out as a cop. i have nothing to lose, so why not protect the people who do? i work for the people, and thats who i have to protect. not just my friends and family, but everyone.        

Risk

the new girl in the store,
what's her name please? i forget.
interested to know more,
he wont forget the day they met.

sometimes at work they chilled,
a slow start for two friends.
then they started to build,
a friendship that never ends.

it started with an invite,
grocery shopping just for fun.
sharing laughs all through the night,
until the job was done.

they grew on one another,
spending nights just talking shit.
being there for each other,
the only crime they did commit.

then one went away,
the story started to change.
he had nothing to say,
then their friendship became strange.

strangers of the past,
keeping distance for their sake.
learning that nothing will last,
but its a risk they're willing to take.


last week i felt something i never imagined would happen to me. i felt needy. for once in my life, i wanted to talk to someone. i was coming back home from school and all of a sudden..... i just had this urge to talk to someone. so i scrambled through my phone to see who i thought would want to talk. and it wasnt like i had anything important to say, i just really, really, really wanted some human interaction. So as im scrolling through my phone list, i realized, that, no one in my contacts gives a shit what i have to say. just plain and simple. im not going to bother someone because of my own needs. i have never done that, and i dont plan on doing so in the future. it seems so inconsiderate of myself to do something like that. i always put top priority on everyone else. maybe thats why im where im at now. who knows? but what i do know is that that was a lonely ass drive back home.

i wrote this in my free time at work. about 20 minutes to do. it tells partly the story of someone i used to hang out with back in the day and how cool we were. obviously things didnt end to great. fuck it, thats life. sorry if it came out shitty. i havent been doing this in awhile and im a little rusty. plus my english is getting limited for some reason. looks like its time to bust out 1984 from my mini library and read my ass off.

on a side note, my vacation is coming up in 2 weeks, and im not doing anything extravagant this year, but i wish i could go back to my adopted country Spain *sad face* who's got nothing to do and wants to hang out? and whats fun to do in houston?......      

After Hours

im laughing at myself right now. i just realized how much of a dumb ass i look when im thinking/daydreaming. i stare off into infinity with this stupefied look on my face like ive just seen the girl of my dreams walk by. the thought train for me has always been a challenge to get moving, but once im on a roll, aint shit stopping me. ive fallen off the map with my posts, main reason being is that i just havent been feeling it this whole time. in all honesty, i really dont have anything interesting to say. i rather speak to someone face to face rather than by text. phone calls work for me too.

work has been getting to me. some days i wake up pissed off before i even get out of the bed, and im already an angry person as it is. everyone wants me to do their shit at work. yea, i dont think so. and then to make matters worse i sit in a cubicle isolated from the rest of humanity for 7 hours out of my day. the room i work from shouldve been included in Dante's ninth circle of hell. yes, it is that terrible. im like a caged animal taken from the wild and put on display. and the most wicked part of all this? the fucking work hangovers.

for those of you that dont know (which is basically everyone, since i just made this up), a work hangover is a headache you get when your brain overloads, basically you think too much. add stress and sleep deprivation to the mix, and you got yourself an 80 proof recipe for a bitchin' headache. the other day i had one on my way to school. my forehead was fucking throbbing. that shit is no bueno when mixed with drowsiness. which brings me to ANOTHER thing. kids, get at least 6-8 hrs of sleep a night. i had a little incident over the summer that i would like to share.     

so i was on my way to school. it was sometime in August, and August in Texas means 100+ degree weather, so naturally i had the A/C on full blast. well, i went to sleep around 3 or 4am that morning writing shit, so i  looked and felt noticeably  fucked up,and yes i was fully aware that i had to wake up at 6am to get ready for work. now one thing you have to understand is, when youre tired, hungry, its hot outside and you have the A/C full blast, i can almost guarantee you will get sleepy. with that being said, i was on Gessner in the memorial area going towards westheimer at around 5pm, afternoon rush hour. the light at memorial had turned red so everyone was slowing down, me included. as i was slowing down, i got real comfy in my seat while the air was blowing in my face. i must have been creeping at about 10-15 mph when i dozed off. it literally felt like 10 seconds before i was awakened by my car bumping into the rear fender of the chick in front of me. at this point in time, i was totally fucking out of it. we both put on our emergency lights and we shift our cars into park at the same time. i put on my sunglasses. the sunglasses where for me, i didnt want her to think i had been drinking, plus it was really fucking bright outside.the lady came out her car dressed in scrubs and visibly tired. she had to be a recently certified nurse, around her late 20's. i was getting ready to be yelled at by a pissed off nurse, when she calmly stepped out and asked if i was ok. i replied with a simple yes, the tone of my voice obviously worried. i was still unsure if she was going to chew me out anytime soon. suprisingly, she said it was ok, "these things happen." i cant remember what she drove, but it wasnt anything super nice or extravagant. i ended up with a bent license plate. that was it.the whole ordeal took less than 2 minutes. i went on to school fully awake after that, thanking god i was going any faster and that the lady was so nice. nothing happened to her car. but ever since then, i try my absolute best to pay attention to the road. you see? there was always a reason why your parents always at you to go to sleep early. i found out the reason why we had bedtimes as kids.

other than that little adventure, nothing has really happened. i saw end of watch 2 weeks ago, which by the way, is a pretty good movie.it shows the daily life and relationship of 2 LAPD officers on patrol and the shit they encounter. to me, it was basically a movie briefing me on all the crazy stuff i'll see when i go. and that movie is exactly the reason why i dont want to get married or have kids. go watch it and you'll find out why. ill write about that on my next post. tonight, im watching looper. from what i hear, its like a modern day terminator, inception-style.fucking epic.




as you all may know, music plays a big part of my life. its the air to my lungs. usually i post a song that ive been listening to alot recently, and today is no exception. Once again, Deftones is my drug of choice. ive brought them up plenty of times in previous posts, their music lets people use their own judgement on what their songs are about, and i admire that. this video is fan made and not the actual music video, but i liked it so much i felt like i had to share it. please watch and enjoy. if you can figure out video, you understand my love for music. getting a message across Oh, and the girl in the video is ridiculously cute.

  

 

Miscellaneous

its been almost 3 weeks since my last post. at the time that im writing this, proper use of grammar is the last thing on my mind. these last 3 weeks ive been having a constant rush of deja vu every other day, like your ipod being stuck on repeat, the music being your life. flashing lights by kanye west comes to mind. i like to drive around downtown at night with the windows rolled down listening to that song. yes, i do listen to something else besides stoner tunes and satanic metal bands. i have a broad taste in music, thank you.

im really burnt out of fresh ideas to write about. people come on here to their blog to bitch about their life, and remarkably...i am no exception. it seems that's a major topic in all social media outlets. me, me, me ,me. let me talk about me and how shitty my life is because of my own mistakes. fuck my life, why does life hate me, etc etc. nobody gives a shit about you or problems, lets start with that. people are like leeches, they want to suck all the pity out of you to make themselves feel better. back to the original statement, ive drawn out and milked as much as i possibly could on the romance poems. i feel like a retard, not just because i think im horrible at it, but who the FUCK am i writing this to? i feel that all the shit that i write is cliche and tasteless, with little or no imagination (much less effort), put into it. what you all read is the finished product of things i cant let go. why i cant let it go is anybody's guess.and a quick shout out to everyone who keeps reading my shit after so long. i hope my pointless rants and infinite cover of  apathy make your day more enjoyable, since hate rants are my specialty of course.

 in all honesty,  im surprised i haven't gone crazy yet. there's not enough social interaction in my outside life. by outside, i mean outside of work and school. i have no one to talk to. now, im not gonna say i dont have any friends, because i know i do, somewhere, but i have no one to hang out with. everyone seems to just walk away from me without even saying goodbye. this is probably why i write here. i dont know who reads these posts, but i guess in a way its almost like talking to someone that doesnt answer you back. i really just need a fresh start. i say 50% of me wanting to move back to L.A. again is because i have nothing and no one here. and everyone says "you have your family here". yeah, no shit, but im not going to live with them forever. i want to do my own thing  in my hometown. everything here in houston reminds me of someone i dont want to see or an event that i want to forget. ive realized that true friends are hard to come by, and i dont think ive met any just yet, obviously if i have i'd be talking to them. a fresh start would be nice right about now. 

 i had the same dream the other night. its starts off with me answering the door to my studio apartment in Hollywood, CA. there was a friendly knock so i decide to check it out. to my surprise, an old friend of mine was on the other side. i was so happy because 1.) i hadn't seen her in months and 2.) she took the time to come out to the west coast and visit me. i value peoples time a lot, so i was really appreciative. in the end, she ended up staying a few days at my place and i showed her around. downtown L.A, hollywood, and venice beach were the main attractions. i swear it was so real, i could feel the cold sea breeze hitting my face and ears when we walked around venice at night. i enjoyed her company and we had a lot of fun just talking. the dream ends when we say goodnight on her last night and i go to sleep in my room. when i wake up, im in reality. i felt like total shit the rest of the day. i was hoping to wake up in my apartment, but instead i was greeted by my brother poking me and telling me to wake up or i'll be late for work. sometimes the dream is all we have left.   

Emo-Punk

you have something to say to me?
come say it to my face.
shit talking gets you nowhere,
but let me put you in your place.

to you im an emo-punk,
and i need to go out more.
that i need to get in trouble,
but what the fuck for?

so im a bitch because i dont like,
all the same shit you do?
i sense the anger in your tone,
and the hate you always spew.

im not like other people,
like the guys you always hoed.
who let you borrow money?
when your piece of shit got towed.

you think you live a good life,
just boning different hoes.
while i was taking trips to Spain,
your mom still washed your clothes.

hate me all you want,
im just another emo-punk.
but dont think that ive forgotten,
that time you called your ex's house drunk.

im nothing like you or your friends,
i told you from the start.
my morals and my conscience,
are what pull us  both apart.

you're more successful than me?
your just on an ego binge.
go read a book once in awhile,
because your english makes me cringe.

you still got shit to say?
like how much my life sucks?
remember who was there,
when no one gave two fucks.



i usually try to not write about a specific person in my posts, but fuck it. im tired of this piece of shit asshole talking shit to me like he's some kind of celebrity. I fucking hate how everyone i know has this live fast, die young philosophy all the while they life sad, pathetic, unaccomplished lives. what the fuck is so great about that? im doing more shit now than most adults do in their whole lives. im enjoying life at my own pace and the way i want to live. there is no way im going down the same path everyone else is. say what you want, but in the end, im happier than you will ever fucking be.

Amanecer A Tu Lado

queriendote en secreto,
amiga mia si supieras.
te entregaria todo,
y en amarte veras.

conversaciones en madrugada,
cuando estamos mas debil.
lo mas intimo contamos,
tu corazon tan fragil.

busco una manera,
por enseñar lo que siento,
pero ningun momento es corecto,
con cada dia voy perdiendo.

despues de cada vuelta,
me acuesto en mi cama.
y me pongo a pensar,
si de verdad me ama?

real mi pesadilla,
lo pudo ver cualquier ciego,
para ti nomas soy,
otro biejo amigo.

tu palabras como lluvia,
me senti abandonado.
pero debez en cuando sueño,
de amanecer a tu lado.



a weird fact for everyone: when i write in spanish, im listening to Alejandro Sanz. Guaranteed.  this poem is basically about  that moment when the girl you like has different ideas about your friendship. you guessed it, your stuck in the dreaded friend zone. i got plenty of experience there.

Double Talkin Jive

"we dedicate this song to people who tell you you can never fucking get anywhere with your life, this is a song called double talking jive motherfucker"

You Could Be Mine

I'm a cold heart breaker fit to burn
And I'll rip your heart in two
Then I'll leave you lyin' on the bed
I'll be out the door before you wake
It's nothin' new to you
'Cause I think we've seen that movie too

'Cause you could be mine
But you're way out of line
With your bitch slap rappin'
And your cocaine tongue
You get nothin' done
I bet you could be mine

Now holidays come and then they go
It's nothin' new today like another memory
When I come home late at night
Don't ask me where I've been
Just count your stars I'm home again

'Cause you could be mine
But you're way out of line
With your bitch slap rappin'
And your cocaine tongue
You get nothin' done
I bet you could be mine

You could be mine
You could be mine
You could be mine
You could be mine
You could be mine
Mine, mine, mine


Ooh, you've gone sketchin' too many times
Ooh, why don't you give it a rest?
Why must you find
Another reason to cry?

While you're breakin' down my back
An' I been rackin' out my brain
It don't matter how we make it
'Cause it always ends the same
You can push it for more mileage
But your flaps are wearin' thin
And I could sleep on it until mornin'
But this nightmare never ends

Don't forget to call my lawyers
With ridiculous demands
And you can take the pity so far
but it's more than I can stand
'Cause this couch trip's gettin' older
Tell me how long has it been?
'Cause five years is forever and
You haven't grown up yet

You could be mine
But you're way out of line
With your bitch slap rappin'
And your cocaine tongue
You get nothin' done
I bet you could be, you should be, you could be mine

Yeah
You could be mine
You could be mine
You could be mine

 I thought I'd pay a little tribute to the greatest fucking band that ever existed, Guns N' Roses. every time i hear this song it reminds me of Terminator 2. that was the first time i heard Guns. Fuck i miss the 90's....

Serious Delirious

one word to describe your state of mind at this moment. Miserable. thats the word of the day. i look like hell and i feel like shit. my back is aching from stress, i wake up with headaches, and im living off of 4-6 hrs of sleep at night. perfect combination for a heart attack i must say. funny thing about all this: i dont have any bills to pay, im not married and i dont have kids. i have no major responsibilities. yet somehow i still manage to fuck things up for myself. im in the downward spiral of life right now.

this is the price i pay for thinking too much. there are somethings that i cant let go of. its like the harder i try to forget, the more i remember. ive never realized how important mental health is in your everyday life. supposedly, positive attitude brings positive outcomes. i think that's total bullshit. positive attitude only makes you an easy target for others to take advantage of your kindness. thats why i act like a bitter fucking old man. people these days are pure savages. they're like vultures that wait for an animal to die. its like once you reach the lowest you can possibly go, they come in for the kill and tear you apart. yet in a way, im trying to prove something to myself. i still have this hope, this tiny speck of hope, that i can change for the better. i want to have a genuine smile on my face. my whole life ive been this serious and expressionless kid. can you imagine living your life with same look of anger and intimidation since you were a baby?

at the same time i contradict myself. i always profess how much i despise people but im taking a job in law enforcement, aka cop. im going to be a public servant. its my DUTY to help people. but somehow im ok with that. im not very compassionate or sympathetic with others, but all the jobs ive had have been in customer service, helping people. its something that im ridiculously good at, yet i absolutely loathe. but to me what makes it worthwhile is when people take the time and say thank you. i guess that's really all i want, to be noticed. ive had to live my whole life in shadows and comparisons of others. ive stuck to my way of life and ive gone farther than i ever would of thought.  but not a single fuck was given when i helped anybody out. who was there when i needed them? im not looking for any praise or gratification. im just wanting to live my life to the point that the people i love are proud of me. you cannot underestimate the power of words. yea sticks and stones may break your bones but hurtful words can make you commit suicide. its already happened to two friends of mine.

with that being said, i know that im not perfect. i try to live a life that holds true to my beliefs. everything ive said i was going to do in my life, ive done. the one thing i cannot absolutely tolerate is a hypocrite. no one is perfect, i know that. but why the fuck would you tell someone you dont do something or you dont act a certain way, then a few days later your breaking your own rule? it especially pisses me if its something that you have control of and you can make a clear decision about it. i just remove myself from the situation and leave. i have not time for hypocrisy. all of us make decisions.analyze and think about the consequences of your actions. but most of all, be true to yourself. dont say one thing and do another. they say a person shows their true character when they make decisions when no one is looking.

this post was more of a rant than it was about a topic. writing is writing and its what i like. and by the way, people that read my blog, blogging does not make you a writer. that is the dumbest shit i have ever heard. bloggers have absolutely no writing ability whatsoever (like me). whoever said bloggers are writers must have the education of eight grader that flunked reading twice. as i told a co worker if mine the other day, writers get paid AND they get laid. i thought that was some pretty funny shit, that was my one-liner for the day. but seriously, bloggers write like if it was a diary. writers actually have creative talent. i write out of sheer pleasure. and i love how down to earth i am. i hate myself, i admit that im not good looking, and i take every compliment about me as sarcasm. for the record, thats why i hate compliments. i always take it as sarcasm and people making fun of me or trying to make me feel better. i know, im fucking crazy right? but oh well. i sense a walk around downtown tomorrow night. if you need me, ill be elaborating on the sociological tendencies of human beings when under crushing amounts of pressure and stress. im just fucking with you, im probably just going to mope around bayou next to the aquarium and mind my own business, as usual.     

Biutiful

You need to see this movie. raw, human, emotional acting at its best. more movies like this need to come out.

FYI: this movie is NOT for emotional people.

First Date

break away from the crowd,
wave off all the lies.
tonight will be different,
full of endless surprise.

im not like the rest,
thank you for your trust.
unique for my time,
not driven by lust.

your calm and caressing,
like the rare summer breeze.
a new feeling inside,
getting weak at the knees.

the night fully lit,
we sneak into the pool.
the heart you had last,
tainted by a fool.

losing train of thought,
going in for the kill.
our lips meet for a moment,
a rush of the thrill.

staring at each other,
your heart beating fast,
a story in the making,
with a happy ending at last.

i actually wrote two poems in one day. can you say, productive? i didnt do shit at work except get fucking depressed listening to Deftones, i had to write something. man, this shit sucks, and by shit i mean loneliness. but i guess thats what helps me pick out everything i want to say. ive been wondering these last few days about alot of things, but mostly about my writing. i guess being the hopeless romantic is part of my persona now, because as much i want to disconnect from that, the more im drawn back to it. i dont have shit else to talk about. i do surprise myself with the things that i write sometimes, mainly because it expresses things so clearly and vividly in a way that i could never interpret to speech, much less tell the person its directed to face to face.

 as much as i deny writing about someone in specific, that's total bullshit. all the post i write about are inspired by someone who i had a place in myself for. its impossible for me to write about something thats nonexistent. so behind each post there is a girl who inspired me to write it. of course im never going to say who its about, but if they ever read it, they'll immediately know it was for them. its that obvious, but only to the right person. still though, i wish i could write something happy for once, without all the melancholic bullshit. but i guess thats my style. hopeless romanitc.  


please give the music i post on my blogs a chance. everyone has their own opinion on music tastes, and im ok with that, just dont knock my music if you havent even heard it yet. this is the song i heard all day today. enjoy.

Absolute High

lean against the edge
the highest that ive been.
the adrenaline kicks in,
the high my only sin.

a junkie like no other,
near death my only drug.
live fast, die young my motto,
the satisfaction leaves me smug.

drowning in an ice bath,
i lose the sense to feel.
suffocate under the pressure,
take the worst that it can deal.

sharpen up the knives,
hack up your wrist and vein.
get bored after awhile,
because it doesnt feel the same.

depression and self-loathing,
the formula for death.
in the final execution,
hold on to that last breath.

jump out the airplane,
where the high is absolute,
its time to land when you realize,
you forgot your parachute.


An adrenaline junkie so strung out he makes a fatal mistake just to get his fix. and before anyone asks, no i am not suicidal nor do i cut my arms or do any crazy shit of the sort. i am extremely quiet and reserved. i just have a ridiculously fucked up imagination. common sense people.  

Around The Fur

its fuck this shit friday. i work tomorrow, im angry at everyone, and im fucking worn out. with that being said, who's down to fuck shit up?

ive had dreams of concerts like this. lets get on stage and yell our lungs out.

Body Ink

now that im getting closer and closer to living on my own, ive decided that the best way for me to celebrate, is with a tattoo. it wont just be any other tattoo though. its going to be my own, mainly because my sister is actually the one who drew it out for me. its going to be a band going around my right elbow. i think its going to look bad ass. my sister incorporated my initials, a soccer player, and the four elements into a tribal looking tattoo. i was so impressed when i saw it that im thinking about paying her for it. its that good. one of the things i want most is for all my brothers and her to have matching tattoos, kind of like a family thing. that would be really cool. it also gives me something to remember my sister by. i never had a good relationship with her, and now that my days are numbered, i regret not letting her into my life. she may never read this, but im sorry sis. i love you with all my heart.  this tattoo will always share a special place for you on me.



This isnt the tattoo i will get. its just an example of what i want. but its definitely something i may want in the future.  

and where did i get this tattoo idea from? the one and only Cesc Fabregas.

Blue Eyes

a lasting impression,
imprinted on to me.
to the the point of obsession,
i ask "who is she"?

was it time or just fate,
that brought us there together?
for her i would wait,
and wish the moment last forever.

it was only a glance,
but it was more than enough.
to make me want to advance,
but in public its too tough.

our eyes happen to meet,
as you pass right along.
you smiled in the heat,
like if nothing is wrong.

and as simple as that,
the next minute you disappear.
i trip on the floor mat,
hoping to see you this year.

i left without a frown,
your smile was my prize. 
but its easy to drown,
in your deep blue eyes.

story behind this poem: i went to the mall yesterday. im walking in alone and i see this family of four leaving. in front is the mom and dad, and right behind are the two daughters. the older daughter was carrying the little one. when we passed each other, i met eyes with the older one. i  am not exaggerating when i say this, she had to have had the most beautiful blue eyes i have ever seen in my life. i felt like a total retard just staring at her, and she looked right back. when i finally came to my senses, i fucking hit the entrance door with my shoulder. i know she heard that loud ass hit, but at that point i didnt care. her eyes made such an impression on me i had to write something. they were so soft, bright, and innocent. and they stood out more because she was very light skinned and blonde. but she wasnt white.

 without a doubt in my mind, i knew she was either brazilian or south american. i could tell because she looked almost EXACTLY like the brazilian friend i had in high school, the one i wrote the Gray Eyes post about. there was inspiration in my veins today, and alot of caffeine. i hope i can keep my writing streak up.

2am

its 2am on a friday night. im laying in my bed with the fan on full blast and the a/c hitting my bed. again, my insomnia isnt letting me sleep, which i actually dont mind. im off this whole weekend, so its ok. music of choice tonight? deftones. what better way to start off my shitty weekend than with some mellow and depressing music from Sactown's greatest band.

my room starts to get cold, i like it. as weird as it sounds, the cold makes me feel the music more. it heightens my emotional senses,but i want something more. i wish i had someone else to listen to music with, just like in the movies. i know it wont happen, but you cant blame a guy for wishing right? those late nights are times i really feel alone, because when the rest of the world is sleeping, in my head im drowning in the deep end of the pool with cinder blocks tied to my legs. i just cant sleep.

some company isnt going to hurt, and its always welcomed. especially at 2am.

Time Wasting

i need a new hobby. i like reading and i love writing, but i need something to do that involves me getting my ass out of the house. any ideas? im trying to recover from a calf problem ive been having for the last 2 months and i have to give it time to heal. i think i need to see a doctor too...anyway. looking back at the things i wanted to do as a little kid, i still have the same interest as i did back in the day, and i would love to do any extreme sport. the more dangerous it was, the more i wanted to do it. all i ever wanted was to be unique in what i did, and also because i wanted to be the cool kid in school.

 i remember watching my first Xgames on tv back when tony hawk was the best skateboarder around, and matt hoffman was already a BMX legend. good times. and i wish i could take up surfing again, but the beaches here are shit. oh well, we'll see what i come up with. motorcycles are a big passion of mine as well, so who knows, maybe ill go around the city running away from cops for fun?

A veces

a veces me encuentro,
perdido en lo mismo.
buscando el camino,
a un nuevo paraiso.

de ida y vuelta,
ya no hay mas opciones.
tomando en cuenta,
todas opiniones.

regalarte mi tiempo,
sin dejar muchas dudas,
a besarte una ultima vez,
con labios desnudas.

cerca o lejos,
pero indescutible la razon,
me marcho de casa,
en mil pedasos el corazon.

amanesiendo a tu lado,
respirando tu calor.
lo siento que no pude,
darte mucho mas amor. 

te dejo esta carta,
piensa en mi sin rencor.
no quise hacer esto,
pero para mi es mucho peor.



i wish it rained everyday. productive day, once again. it feels good going to sleep and reading what youve written. it gives you a sense of accomplishment. at the same time it shows me that i still have emotions and a conscience that wont fucking let me sleep at night because i want to spill out everything that i have bottled up.  my brain is like a waterfall of ideas and thoughts. and with each post i write, my sense of expression becomes more and more of what i want it to be. i think clearer. i feel smarter. i feel relief.

 If i keep writing like this, in english or in spanish, i might seriously send some of my work to a record company. i mean why not? i love music. i love it so much im willing to put a price on it, just as long as the work comes from my heart. so why not make money off of something i love to do right? its like the saying goes: as long as you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life.  



i always thought live performances are what made an artist good or not. if you put your heart and soul into your music, and sing your ass off, you can get 25,000+  women to sing your own song to you. that's the coolest thing for a musician, the crowd singing along with you.

my favorite verse in this song:

"Pero, si mi boca se equivoca
Pero, si mi boca se equivoca
Y al llamarla nombro a otra
A veces siente compasión por este loco, ciego y loco corazón"

Amarte En Otro Idioma

No te puedo decir,
cuanto importas a mi.
nada mas pude pedir,
yo todo hago por ti.

corro a tu casa,
a ver tu sonrisa bella.
con cada dia que pasa,
me iluminas como una estrella.

tu respuesta aceptada,
en nuestra adolecencia.
le doy gracias a la vida,
por tenerte en existencia.

con tu calor a mi lado,
acariciando tu piel.
no me dejes abandonado,
contigo no puedo ser infiel.

quiero vivir este momento,
para el resto de la eternidad.
mi corazon te lo dejo abierto,
yo si te digo la verdad.

mi amor para ti,
nunca sera una broma.
pero lo mejor para mi,
seria amarte en otro idioma.

first off, if you dont understand it, google translate the shit out of this. im seeing alot of progress in my work. and i am just as surprised as all of you are. i havent written in spanish since i was a senior in high school. damn, this came out pretty good. yes i know my grammar isnt the best but all of you get the idea. i am extremly content with myself. i didnt know i had it in me. i let my inner alejandro sanz out. obviously, ive been listening to alot of his music recently. and today couldnt have been a more perfect day to write. its dark, gray, and cloudy with alot of heavy rain. how could i not be inspired? every night, i listen to alot of love songs before i go to bed. its good music to fall asleep and dream to.

 for a long time, ive been ducking music in spanish. i dont think there is a language out there that better expresses how one feels, there are a multitude of ways to say one thing that we normally would say one way in English. and for some odd reason i can use big words in spanish writing but not in english, and i feel like my spanish is very limited. overall, if i had to chose my favorite spanish singer, it would most definitely be alejandro sanz, before he made that god awful song with Shakira. he's a master of the poem/song. the way he delivers to you a verse in poem format but keeping in sync with the music just amazes me. his lyrics are exactly what i like to talk about, and hes just overall unique.

i had more trouble writing my shit in english than i did with this one. it might have been the weather and the sky, the music, or maybe a memory i had , but i really like this poem and i think it came out great. i think that the greatest achievement for any singer/songwriter is when people sing along and appreciate your work, not to mention how your work inspires others. to me, that would be the greatest honor of all, inspiring others.  and now i just gotta work on someone to give this poem to. Enjoy, from the deepest part of my soul.

    

Change

i hate those moments in life when you know that something will never be the same again. it gives me that nauseous feeling that your going to puke mixed with a knot in your stomach. you become so accustomed to a person or a way of life that you dont know how to function without them. i try to do everything i can to forget that feeling. i work my ass off, i go run, write in this blog, etc. i feel like im overstaying my time here, and the fucked up part is im trying to do things and be at peace with myself and with family and friend(s?) when its almost too late.

the thing about my situation is, i know the change is coming. i know things wont be the same for me after i turn 22 in april. a new chapter of my life is about to start. i wish i can take everyone i love and care about with me, because without them im just a normal person. i NEED them. I NEED you. everyone that has touched my life in one way or the other, i need you. but i'll be happy where im going, i know i will. here's the catch though, i wont have anyone to enjoy it with. ive always been the type of person that prefers to be alone, not be bothered, and i mind my own business. but it fucking sucks being far away from the people who know you and love you and call you funny nicknames that count as inside jokes as well. i'll miss that the most. i know im not the most affectionate person out there, but i do enjoy it when people make their appreciation for me and what i do known to me.

i dont know if its just me and i think too much, or im over-exaggerating this shit, but every day that passes by, at the end of the night, im thinking about the day that i pack up my bags and leave. that's what hurts me the most, but i guess good things always come out of the bad. now im in a situation where i want to leave, i want to start over, i want a new life, but im just now finding myself meeting some great new people and making new friends. this always happens. but thats life i guess. we have to adapt to a different way of living if we expect to survive.

i dont even know what the hell im saying anymore. all i know is that i truly wish i can stay because of the people here, but i cant reach my goals if i stay. every moment i spend with everyone i really do cherish, even if it doesnt look like it. i guess change is good for everybody, if you know how to handle it.

         

Otherside

i got nothing today. i came back home from my routine drive and i got nothing. today was more of a day to reflect upon rather than write. or it couldve been i was too busy thinking about the girl that works at smoothie king, but asides from that, i am brain dead. these last few days have been everything but exciting. i feel like everyday of my life is put on repeat. its the same routine, in and out, all day, every fucking day. sometimes i wake up nauseous just thinking that i have to get up and get my ass to work.

enough about me and my morning  sickness, i sound like a pregnant woman. i think this is the second time ever that ive just written for the fun of it. it feels good. its like every word i say is transcribed into my computer. im having a conversation with myself. how pathetic can i get? i always catch myself answering my own questions. i am that lonesome.

its hard trying to go to sleep. i have tried plenty of things to get my ass to knock out without tossing and turning to no avail. i dont know where exactly i got this thing in my head that doesnt let me sleep. there is a saying that i have to myself that may be the reason why i can get any shut eye. in my mind, every moment that im awake, i have to do something productive. thats why im always looking for something to do. i feel that if i just sit around and relax for a moment, im wasting my life. to most people this may sound absurd, but those are the words i live by. and it gets me to the main point. if i go to sleep, i may miss something in life. ironically, ive thought about this over and over, at night, when im supposed to be asleep. what could possibly be so important that i have to lose sleep over it? but i guess my drive to be productive is a good thing and a bad thing. the good being im motivated to get something accomplished every moment that i am awake, like writing this blog post. the bad being that i over obsess having to do something productive while im awake, to the point i lose sleep. thats basically my sleeping pattern in a nutshell.

whatever our obssesions and worries are, we have to face them head on, full force. it doesnt matter how terrible a situation may seem, just remember that your not alone. within this past year ive come to learn that even though i try to do everything by myself, i have learned to ask for help when needed. it used to be that i felt like a nuisance whenever i did ask, but thats the way that we learn. if we dont understand something, ask. whats the worst that can happen? we shouldnt keep our problems to ourselves either. when we need someone, ask. im pretty sure we all have someone who would love to listen, i know i would. dont run away, your just prolonging the inevitable.      

Lost In Limbo

laying down in the sand,
waking up from a slumber.
my next move unplanned,
my age just a number.

up on my feet,
walking away from the beach.
no one around to greet,
no other soul to reach.

ive seen this place before,
the palm trees jog my mind.
i know i couldve swore,
this is my home i tried to find.

every minute that im bored,
i think of what once was sweet.
but just like a broken record,
the days are stuck on repeat.

the first steps of my trip,
to the paradise city.
where the people dress hip,
and the sunset is pretty.

the day seems to go on,
while the sun never sets.
the will to live gone,
my thoughts called off the bets.

i lay back down,
in middle of my dream.
i dissapear in this town,
in nonexistence it would seem.

homesick to the core,
in this place that i roam.
but all im looking for,
is a place to call home.

i couldnt do it. i couldnt fucking do it. my writing addiction is TOO great to bear. im homesick if you guys couldnt tell by the way. and these night drives are totally inspiring me write. some company would be nice though. sometimes i feel like listening to other people, because i know deep inside i havent given up on them, no matter how much i hate myself, and i want to be there for those that truly deserve it and pour their heart and soul out to me. i will do everything i can to help anyone out.

a good philosophy that i made up: there is always a song for every moment in life. true story. another thing you guys probably havent noticed: in most of my blog posts, i always leave a youtube video with a song at the end. the things i write about are inspired by the song on that specific post. my love for music and writing are equally the same. without one i couldnt function, they are like the lungs to my soul.

we'll see if i can duplicate any more inspiration in the future. here's some mellow tunes from one of my favorite guitarist: Buckethead.

 

Rocket Man

Dear people that read my garbage,


Ive gotten alot of pretty good feedback these last few days about my last post. thanks. it feels good to know that people take the time to read my shit, let alone like it. the last 3 years ive been going through up and down phases of my own. writing keeps my mind off of all that and focused on the most important thing: myself.

but, im taking a break from writing for a little bit. i feel obligated to write how i feel, and thats how i end up babbling about some insignificant moment in my life that no one cares about and makes absolutely no sense at all. and its usually past my bedtime when i write, but thats not important. maybe once in a while i'll post something about myself or just a random quote of the day. dont know yet. but please dont expect another post like Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word anytime soon. it took alot out of me to write that, i havent had a writing surge in a VERY long time and up until now ive started getting myself together. but none the less, im glad i was able to share it. thats definitely one of my favorite pieces that ive written.

fuck it, im dragging this out more than i should be. long story short, im not going to write anymore for a bit. i have to figure out myself and my future right now.
     

sincerely and and as always brutally honest,

The Rocket Man.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

i just came back from another drive. i think im going to be doing these impromptu drives more often. and i need some fucking sleep. im running on 16 hrs of sleep in the last 3 days. goddamit i wish i didnt think so much at night, but thats when my brain is most active. anyway, i was coming back from school and i said "why go home so early?" so i just kept going up fry rd until i felt like going home. during my whole drive, i thought about the things that have hurt me the most, emotionally. i narrowed it down to one thing: when you love someone so much, but they dont love you back as much as you do them.

plenty of times in my life this has stood true. im not going into detail about who i was with at the time, but it felt like a genuine relationship where we both cared about each other. i think the first mistake i made though was letting myself fall in love with someone that didnt want the same things i wanted. thats when things get too deep, and before you realize it, you wont accept that your overly obsessed with that person. i was way too young and naive to think that i could hold a serious relationship when i wasnt even old enough to drive on my own yet.

and then i thought to myself, how do i know im in love, if ive never been in love before? this question always makes me insecure about myself, because i mean, everyone has felt butterflies in their stomach when they see their crush, but how do we know when we are in love? what makes this person different than everybody else in your past? i guess i dont know if i have ever really been in love or just overly obsessed. love is something you feel towards another person whether they are there with you or not. its not just the butterflies. its the nervousness you get on the bus when you go to school and you know you will see them when you get there. its the warm feeling you get inside when you say to yourself "no matter how shitty my day is, I know that they love me".  its knowing that you will always have someone to ask you how your day was even though they already know how it was because they were with you all day. and yes, i know, i contradicted myself in this paragraph, fucking sue me.

we get so attached to someone alot of times just to escape what we are going through in life or at home. we look for love in the wrong places, and most of the time those decisions change the rest of our lives. its sad to see people take advantage of anothers' love just to satisfy their own lust. and most of the time, the woman is left to clean up the mess he made. i think that's one of the most horrible things anyone can do, and this is coming from a 21 year old guy with self-esteem and self-loathe issues. i could never hurt someone i love. if you love someone then you would whatever it takes to make them happy, no matter what. if they are happy, we should be too. its common sense when written on paper, but in real life its like russian roulette, we just have to be lucky that the person we're with thinks the same way.    

and as i have said before, there are no happy endings in any of my stories. i dont know what happened, or why it happened, all i know is that there was nothing i could fucking do about it. things start going downhill, it starts with both of you seeing and talking less to each other. then it becomes the on/off relationship. it escalates to complete uninterest in one of you, and before you know it, your left all alone on the week you were going to ask her to prom. it sucks, i know. but the worst part is the time leading up to you two separating. you wonder why the other person is acting so different, and you suspect they dont love you anymore. the idea seems preposterous to you, so you dont think much of it, maybe they're having a bad week. then your blind sided with devastating news. your suspicions were right, they dont love you anymore, and they dont want anything to do with you. neither one of you know what to do, so you blame each other for not working it out. because to both of you, sorry seems to be the hardest word.  

City Night

the lonely kid walks,
in the streets of downtown.
with no one he talks,
and his face in a frown.

he walks down on main street,
and he watches his back.
walking here is no feat,
but he must stay on track.

through the concrete and glass,
the city he heeds.
and as time seems to pass,
he figures out what he needs.

he needs some time alone,
to his favorite spot he goes.
its a place hes only shown,
to people that he knows.

at the bayou he stops,
to sit down and think,
it rains a few drops,
but it stops in a blink.


hes in his own zone,
believing time heals.
so he pulls out his phone,
and writes what he feels.

he writes about the hole,
inside that he cant fill.
buried deep inside his soul,
his feelings he starts to spill.

he'll come back another day,
but he's still left feeling blue.
as his favorite song would say,
with the birds he'll share the lonely view.

Surviving The Time

we look all around,
for someone to blame.
and the outcomes we found,
turn out all the same.

we cant help but think,
of a simpler solution.
which leaves us on the brink,
of further thought pollution.

we're scared of the unknown.
deserted in our mind.
unable to see all alone,
like movies for the blind.

yeah your problems are bad,
but they could be worse.
dont ever go to sleep mad,
you might wake up in a hearse. 

a day at a time,
thats the best we can do,
do the best in your prime,
and your dreams will come true.

if being hopeless is cruel,
then what have i learned?
that the anger is fuel,
to the bridges ive burned.




aww shit. im starting to get it back. im gonna start rapping part time now!

Drive

Last night, i went out for a drive. i didnt go too far, but it felt like i was driving for an eternity. i miss being able to go out  and do stuff like that. there's just something about those nights that make it feel so relaxing. every once in a while i do wish i can have some company though, talking to someone has its benefits as well, and i dont think talking to yourself for too long is good for you.

on my drive last night i had my ipod on shuffle when a song i hadnt heard in awhile came on, drive by Incubus. it just so happens i was passing by my old high school, and a mixture of emotions came back up. i dont know what it was, but one minute im driving down the road towards nowhere, the next im pulling into the high school parking lot. i drove around campus for a little bit, remembering when times where simpler and free of worry. even though it was dark, in my imagination i was back in school. i was a ghost, no one could see me, but i could see everyone. i started to remember the people that i knew and everyone i had met. i remembered the hallways, the classrooms, my friends, the cafeteria, the teachers, everything. i can say what i want about how horrible high school was, but when i did have a good day, those where the days i remember most.

in all honesty, last night i felt empty and forgotten. i felt that way because i was happy at the time i attended, and now i dont think i will ever be as happy as i was then. the people that i met were what made it worthwhile. i have met some of the most caring and amazing people during my few years going to school in cypress. a few i still talk to to this day.

i felt a knot in my stomach driving around to the back where i used to catch the bus. so many memories, so many good times, so little appreciation. i wish i could relive just ONE good day i had. that would make up for these last 3 years.

until last night, i never truly realized how big of an impact someone could make on the rest of your life. i  remembered everyone i had ever talked to and everyone who talked to me. to my friends, i always wanted to be someone that they'll remember years from now. leaving an imprint of myself in someone's life is something i had always wanted to achieve, and hopefully, i already have.

Thinking Too Much

i dont know how to feel,
there's a numbness all inside.
it'll take some time to heal,
but the pain just wont subside.

you never even tried
to get to know me well.
all the emotions that i hide,
are locked up in a cell.

you think that i hate you,
but you couldn't be more wrong.
with the things i've gone through,
writing this wouldn't take long.

i was never good enough,
barely sleeping through the night
when things for me got rough,
you wanted me out of sight.

one thing you never said,
"im very proud of you."
while every night i went to bed,
the failure in me grew.

the blizzard in my soul,
with an inferno in my head.
the void takes its toll,
down this path ive been led.

is this what ive become?
just say the word and im gone.
dont treat me like im dumb,
ill disappear before the dawn.

i was always the bad guy,
or so you made it seem.
but i never understood why?
im a casualty in your regime.

its too late for a fresh start,
the distance between us flaring.
but for me the hardest part,
was the day that you stopped caring.



as you guys can see, im back in my cavernous pit of self loathing. one would think by now i'd be tired of this shit. but for some reason, this is what i think im good at. writing about how much i feel like complete utter dog shit while turning a cold shoulder to everyone i speak to. i just dont get it. how can i be stuck in this perpetual circle of mental depletion? i laugh at myself when i look in the mirror. im  ridiculous. i have absolutely nothing to be sad about, yet i dwell on past experiences that have nothing to do with me now. lately ive been seeing a trend going on though. it seems to me bad shit happens when im starting to do good. i guess im cursed with thinking too deep into things.

i recently came up with a new saying about marriage. at work, everyone asks me why i dont want to get married or have kids. this is probably the greatest comeback ive ever said. it went like this: i rather be sad and lonely, than tied down and miserable. i think that's hilarious. then again i have a messed up sense of humor.

Go To Sleep Jeff

the last two posts are the outcome of: lack of sleep, me having no imagination, and playing too many fucking video games. in all honesty, its just something that i started on to get me going writing again. yes, i know im not the best story teller, or have the best storyline, and i know i suck at writing, but shit im trying! this at least keeps me preoccupied. i feel like i can go along with a story, but it just sounds too predictable and unoriginal. im pretty sure there has been a movie made already with my story.

so proceed and laugh at me at my failed attempt to be a writer.

Untitled Story Part 2

I stumbled back to my apartment. it was conveniently around the corner, so i never had to drive. my room was on the second floor of a 3 story complex. it was an ok place to sleep at. secluded and quiet. the apartments themselves held up pretty well, they had to have been at least 30 years old. the desert sand took over most of what used to be a swimming pool in the visitors center. where i lived wasnt exactly the best place to raise a family in all of Riverside, so i never heard the sound of children running around. better for me.

i make it up the stairs to my door, room 426. fumbling through my vintage ducati jacket, i find my keys and go inside. i feel and look like total shit, plus i knew i was fucked as soon as i left the bar. my room was littered with garbage. mail, dirty clothes, old pizza boxes, regular, nasty college student filth. i couldnt remember the last time i took out the garbage in that place, much less when i last took a shower. i make my way over to the fridge and pull out the last bottle of whiskey, right next to the hydrocodone pills, known to me as sleepers. alcohol and pills always went hand in hand. i popped 2 and finished the last swig of drink left, and i pass out on the couch a few minutes later. last i checked, it was 1:36am.

life for me had been mostly a joyride to a place i didnt want to go. at the prime age of 32, i looked like a homeless man that rode a street bike. at this point in time i had been living off the money i had saved up when i was working security detail for a family sometime back.

my name is.....god, i cant remember. i got my start in security a few years after high school. to most people, security means rent-a-cops. to me, it means danger, unnecessary risks, and getting fucking shot. i specialize in personal safety, basically a bodyguard, without the all the legal bullshit. i protect those who pay me the most. the community college thing wasnt for me, and with growing pressures at home to do something with my life, i ran away to Nicaragua and became a guerilla there. revolution and young kids for some reason always got along, so at the time, i thought i was a little badass. then one day during a routine patrol, the squad leader was assasinated by a sniper, and at that instance my unit was disbanded. i was 24 when i came back to the sates, having spent 4 years in central america. i later learned the country went into an all out civil war the same month i got back.my first bullet dodged.

with all the experience i earned in the military, i came back with a friend of mine to Riverside, california. he had connections here that could get us some legitimate work. thats how i got started in the business.



6am. i get up and pack what little clothes i have and leave. i shoved all my possessions into a backpack. my Ducati waits for me downstairs. out of everything i own, this was the one thing i was proud of. it was an all black Ducati 1098, a superbike used in moto GP.the top speed was about 180mph, way more than what i needed,but it was cool to say it could go that fast. im still a little buzzed, but i'll be ok. the lack of sleep never bothered me, i naturally have insomnia, and with military training, i could be ok sleeping just 3-4 hrs.
 the sun started to rise. i rode all the way up to the gate and took one last look at the mountains behind. i light myself a cigarette and put on my sunglasses. my over-developed trigger finger had gotten me in trouble again now i had to leave. in a couple of hours, the mountains will turn to buildings, and i'll  be back home in Los Angeles.

Untitled Story Part 1

i woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous. it felt like my stomach was on fire. i get off the couch and shuffle to the restroom as fast as i could. i unload everything in my stomach, in what feels like a full bottle of tobasco out of my throat, and into the toilet. after about 30 seconds,im empty, and the pain subsides. im used to these late night attacks. i clean myself up and check the time. 4am. my body didnt miss its appointment with the toilet for the 3rd night in a row. i head back to the couch and fall asleep. there was a bounty on my head, and in a few hours, i needed to skip town.

prior to my late night puke fest, i had visited a local bar here in town. i was a regular at this place, and every night i would meet up with an old friend from Tennessee. his name was Jack Daniels, and we got along really well. i moped around that place for about 3hrs, or 5 years, depending on how you want to count it. no one ever bothered me, and i paid no mind to anyone else. it had that authentic bar feel, old and worn out, just like me. the mens restroom was missing a door so were all the stalls. the womens restroom was just as bad. it was a one story property with a welcoming "drink till you drop" neon light on the outside. sometimes i took them up on that offer, depending on my mood and how much cash i had that day. it all went to hell that night Richie showed up.

i was ordering my usual round of Jack and ice when 3 punk kids showed up. they were your typical idiot adults. all of them were light skinned hispanics and barely old enough to even step foot inside a liquor store. i saw them walk in out of the corner of my eye. they looked they were ready to go out to the club, or they may have come back from church, i never asked. each one of them had that wannabe-Calvin-Klein-model hairstyle that pissed me off. the one in the middle was apparently a kid named Richie, who had come all the way from Phoenix, arizona to hang out with his cousins for the weekend. i ask the bartender for my tab and pay it in full, leaving an extra 5 buck tip as a thank you for supporting my drinking habit. i walk towards the door right when Richie bumps into me like he's some big shit. in a slight south american accent he tells me:

"watch where your going fucker!"
 i kept on walking, ignoring him and half drunk.
"hey you piece of shit im talking to you!"

 im almost to the door, home free, when suddenly i feel something cold on the back of my head. the little bitch pulled a gun on me.

"yeah! now that i have a gun to your head you fucking listen, puto!"
he guides me back to my seat at the bar. since i was sitting down i ordered another round. fuck it, if i die here, might as well enjoy my last few moments on earth.

Richie looked infuriated.
"Mother fucker you think you can just bump into me and not say sorry!? you're dead wrong asshole! now look at me and say your sorry!"
His cousins looked liked monkeys imitating the same gestures he made. i found it amusing. i took a big gulp of my drink with a gun still pointed at me when suddenly a woman who was drinking alone as well, came up and started talking shit to them.

 she said to them, " you fucking pussy ass bitches! why dont you fight like men?! you wave that gun around like your some badass when you know your just a little punk ass chump!"
 i got to admit, she did have some balls.

they continued to argue like cat and dog, up until the point Richie tells her,
" shut the fuck up you stupid bitch!" and he pistol whips her across the face. she lets out a horrible scream, i lose it.

in a blur of motions that looked like something out of an old Steven Seagal movie, i felt time slow down. i pull out my 1911 and waste Richie right then and there. 3 shots to the chest at point blank range. i made sure he was dead.

his cousins ran off faster than my bullets, and they disappeared into the night. i dont know why i did it, but i guess i never liked seeing a woman get hurt. at that moment i knew i had outstayed my welcome at that bar, and it was time for me to leave.     

Symphony of Destruction

i dont know what got into me these last few months, but i want to start playing guitar again. i guess ive been obsessed with this ever since i saw Megadeth live in March. ive been to a few good shows before, but these guys put on a badass show. for an almost 50 year old man, Dave Mustaine can still sing and play at 100mph like if he was 20 again. to this day i still cant believe i saw him play live, front row, and about 5 feet away from me. this guy is a fucking living legend. after i read part of his biography, i think he cheated death about 17 times. alcohol, drugs, near death accidents, everything that you could think of has happened to him. but i dont like him because of the life he lived. i like him because he turned his anger at his ex band and created something that would DESTROY them.

for people that dont know, Dave Mustaine is the original guitarist for Metallica. he got kicked out before they were really famous, but he was never given a second chance. thats when megadeth gets formed. he decided that he needed to play better, faster, and louder than they did. but throughout his whole career, he always came in second place behind them. but he never gave in. he kept going despite always being ridiculed for being the guy that got kicked out of a super successful band. now, dave is now known as THE best, just simply because he did everything on his own, with no help from everyone else.

the main point im getting to is that dave mustaine is my hero not just because he's a living badass, he's a good songwriter, awsome guitarist, and he's the lead singer. so out of all the anger and hate he had, he turned it into something great. since i love to write and i love music, i started to think, "why the fuck dont i do that?" plus, i have always dreamed of playing in front of a sold out stadium, with the crowd jumping up and down, singing along to your songs and screaming your name. as a kid i always dreamed of playing with guns n roses, right next to slash. i know that will never happen, but hey a kid can dream cant he? and you never know, i at least might even get a one hit wonder.


one day i'll reach his status....