Otherside

i got nothing today. i came back home from my routine drive and i got nothing. today was more of a day to reflect upon rather than write. or it couldve been i was too busy thinking about the girl that works at smoothie king, but asides from that, i am brain dead. these last few days have been everything but exciting. i feel like everyday of my life is put on repeat. its the same routine, in and out, all day, every fucking day. sometimes i wake up nauseous just thinking that i have to get up and get my ass to work.

enough about me and my morning  sickness, i sound like a pregnant woman. i think this is the second time ever that ive just written for the fun of it. it feels good. its like every word i say is transcribed into my computer. im having a conversation with myself. how pathetic can i get? i always catch myself answering my own questions. i am that lonesome.

its hard trying to go to sleep. i have tried plenty of things to get my ass to knock out without tossing and turning to no avail. i dont know where exactly i got this thing in my head that doesnt let me sleep. there is a saying that i have to myself that may be the reason why i can get any shut eye. in my mind, every moment that im awake, i have to do something productive. thats why im always looking for something to do. i feel that if i just sit around and relax for a moment, im wasting my life. to most people this may sound absurd, but those are the words i live by. and it gets me to the main point. if i go to sleep, i may miss something in life. ironically, ive thought about this over and over, at night, when im supposed to be asleep. what could possibly be so important that i have to lose sleep over it? but i guess my drive to be productive is a good thing and a bad thing. the good being im motivated to get something accomplished every moment that i am awake, like writing this blog post. the bad being that i over obsess having to do something productive while im awake, to the point i lose sleep. thats basically my sleeping pattern in a nutshell.

whatever our obssesions and worries are, we have to face them head on, full force. it doesnt matter how terrible a situation may seem, just remember that your not alone. within this past year ive come to learn that even though i try to do everything by myself, i have learned to ask for help when needed. it used to be that i felt like a nuisance whenever i did ask, but thats the way that we learn. if we dont understand something, ask. whats the worst that can happen? we shouldnt keep our problems to ourselves either. when we need someone, ask. im pretty sure we all have someone who would love to listen, i know i would. dont run away, your just prolonging the inevitable.      

Lost In Limbo

laying down in the sand,
waking up from a slumber.
my next move unplanned,
my age just a number.

up on my feet,
walking away from the beach.
no one around to greet,
no other soul to reach.

ive seen this place before,
the palm trees jog my mind.
i know i couldve swore,
this is my home i tried to find.

every minute that im bored,
i think of what once was sweet.
but just like a broken record,
the days are stuck on repeat.

the first steps of my trip,
to the paradise city.
where the people dress hip,
and the sunset is pretty.

the day seems to go on,
while the sun never sets.
the will to live gone,
my thoughts called off the bets.

i lay back down,
in middle of my dream.
i dissapear in this town,
in nonexistence it would seem.

homesick to the core,
in this place that i roam.
but all im looking for,
is a place to call home.

i couldnt do it. i couldnt fucking do it. my writing addiction is TOO great to bear. im homesick if you guys couldnt tell by the way. and these night drives are totally inspiring me write. some company would be nice though. sometimes i feel like listening to other people, because i know deep inside i havent given up on them, no matter how much i hate myself, and i want to be there for those that truly deserve it and pour their heart and soul out to me. i will do everything i can to help anyone out.

a good philosophy that i made up: there is always a song for every moment in life. true story. another thing you guys probably havent noticed: in most of my blog posts, i always leave a youtube video with a song at the end. the things i write about are inspired by the song on that specific post. my love for music and writing are equally the same. without one i couldnt function, they are like the lungs to my soul.

we'll see if i can duplicate any more inspiration in the future. here's some mellow tunes from one of my favorite guitarist: Buckethead.

 

Rocket Man

Dear people that read my garbage,


Ive gotten alot of pretty good feedback these last few days about my last post. thanks. it feels good to know that people take the time to read my shit, let alone like it. the last 3 years ive been going through up and down phases of my own. writing keeps my mind off of all that and focused on the most important thing: myself.

but, im taking a break from writing for a little bit. i feel obligated to write how i feel, and thats how i end up babbling about some insignificant moment in my life that no one cares about and makes absolutely no sense at all. and its usually past my bedtime when i write, but thats not important. maybe once in a while i'll post something about myself or just a random quote of the day. dont know yet. but please dont expect another post like Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word anytime soon. it took alot out of me to write that, i havent had a writing surge in a VERY long time and up until now ive started getting myself together. but none the less, im glad i was able to share it. thats definitely one of my favorite pieces that ive written.

fuck it, im dragging this out more than i should be. long story short, im not going to write anymore for a bit. i have to figure out myself and my future right now.
     

sincerely and and as always brutally honest,

The Rocket Man.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

i just came back from another drive. i think im going to be doing these impromptu drives more often. and i need some fucking sleep. im running on 16 hrs of sleep in the last 3 days. goddamit i wish i didnt think so much at night, but thats when my brain is most active. anyway, i was coming back from school and i said "why go home so early?" so i just kept going up fry rd until i felt like going home. during my whole drive, i thought about the things that have hurt me the most, emotionally. i narrowed it down to one thing: when you love someone so much, but they dont love you back as much as you do them.

plenty of times in my life this has stood true. im not going into detail about who i was with at the time, but it felt like a genuine relationship where we both cared about each other. i think the first mistake i made though was letting myself fall in love with someone that didnt want the same things i wanted. thats when things get too deep, and before you realize it, you wont accept that your overly obsessed with that person. i was way too young and naive to think that i could hold a serious relationship when i wasnt even old enough to drive on my own yet.

and then i thought to myself, how do i know im in love, if ive never been in love before? this question always makes me insecure about myself, because i mean, everyone has felt butterflies in their stomach when they see their crush, but how do we know when we are in love? what makes this person different than everybody else in your past? i guess i dont know if i have ever really been in love or just overly obsessed. love is something you feel towards another person whether they are there with you or not. its not just the butterflies. its the nervousness you get on the bus when you go to school and you know you will see them when you get there. its the warm feeling you get inside when you say to yourself "no matter how shitty my day is, I know that they love me".  its knowing that you will always have someone to ask you how your day was even though they already know how it was because they were with you all day. and yes, i know, i contradicted myself in this paragraph, fucking sue me.

we get so attached to someone alot of times just to escape what we are going through in life or at home. we look for love in the wrong places, and most of the time those decisions change the rest of our lives. its sad to see people take advantage of anothers' love just to satisfy their own lust. and most of the time, the woman is left to clean up the mess he made. i think that's one of the most horrible things anyone can do, and this is coming from a 21 year old guy with self-esteem and self-loathe issues. i could never hurt someone i love. if you love someone then you would whatever it takes to make them happy, no matter what. if they are happy, we should be too. its common sense when written on paper, but in real life its like russian roulette, we just have to be lucky that the person we're with thinks the same way.    

and as i have said before, there are no happy endings in any of my stories. i dont know what happened, or why it happened, all i know is that there was nothing i could fucking do about it. things start going downhill, it starts with both of you seeing and talking less to each other. then it becomes the on/off relationship. it escalates to complete uninterest in one of you, and before you know it, your left all alone on the week you were going to ask her to prom. it sucks, i know. but the worst part is the time leading up to you two separating. you wonder why the other person is acting so different, and you suspect they dont love you anymore. the idea seems preposterous to you, so you dont think much of it, maybe they're having a bad week. then your blind sided with devastating news. your suspicions were right, they dont love you anymore, and they dont want anything to do with you. neither one of you know what to do, so you blame each other for not working it out. because to both of you, sorry seems to be the hardest word.  

City Night

the lonely kid walks,
in the streets of downtown.
with no one he talks,
and his face in a frown.

he walks down on main street,
and he watches his back.
walking here is no feat,
but he must stay on track.

through the concrete and glass,
the city he heeds.
and as time seems to pass,
he figures out what he needs.

he needs some time alone,
to his favorite spot he goes.
its a place hes only shown,
to people that he knows.

at the bayou he stops,
to sit down and think,
it rains a few drops,
but it stops in a blink.


hes in his own zone,
believing time heals.
so he pulls out his phone,
and writes what he feels.

he writes about the hole,
inside that he cant fill.
buried deep inside his soul,
his feelings he starts to spill.

he'll come back another day,
but he's still left feeling blue.
as his favorite song would say,
with the birds he'll share the lonely view.

Surviving The Time

we look all around,
for someone to blame.
and the outcomes we found,
turn out all the same.

we cant help but think,
of a simpler solution.
which leaves us on the brink,
of further thought pollution.

we're scared of the unknown.
deserted in our mind.
unable to see all alone,
like movies for the blind.

yeah your problems are bad,
but they could be worse.
dont ever go to sleep mad,
you might wake up in a hearse. 

a day at a time,
thats the best we can do,
do the best in your prime,
and your dreams will come true.

if being hopeless is cruel,
then what have i learned?
that the anger is fuel,
to the bridges ive burned.




aww shit. im starting to get it back. im gonna start rapping part time now!

Drive

Last night, i went out for a drive. i didnt go too far, but it felt like i was driving for an eternity. i miss being able to go out  and do stuff like that. there's just something about those nights that make it feel so relaxing. every once in a while i do wish i can have some company though, talking to someone has its benefits as well, and i dont think talking to yourself for too long is good for you.

on my drive last night i had my ipod on shuffle when a song i hadnt heard in awhile came on, drive by Incubus. it just so happens i was passing by my old high school, and a mixture of emotions came back up. i dont know what it was, but one minute im driving down the road towards nowhere, the next im pulling into the high school parking lot. i drove around campus for a little bit, remembering when times where simpler and free of worry. even though it was dark, in my imagination i was back in school. i was a ghost, no one could see me, but i could see everyone. i started to remember the people that i knew and everyone i had met. i remembered the hallways, the classrooms, my friends, the cafeteria, the teachers, everything. i can say what i want about how horrible high school was, but when i did have a good day, those where the days i remember most.

in all honesty, last night i felt empty and forgotten. i felt that way because i was happy at the time i attended, and now i dont think i will ever be as happy as i was then. the people that i met were what made it worthwhile. i have met some of the most caring and amazing people during my few years going to school in cypress. a few i still talk to to this day.

i felt a knot in my stomach driving around to the back where i used to catch the bus. so many memories, so many good times, so little appreciation. i wish i could relive just ONE good day i had. that would make up for these last 3 years.

until last night, i never truly realized how big of an impact someone could make on the rest of your life. i  remembered everyone i had ever talked to and everyone who talked to me. to my friends, i always wanted to be someone that they'll remember years from now. leaving an imprint of myself in someone's life is something i had always wanted to achieve, and hopefully, i already have.