Estranged

ive been feeling down these last couple of days. i dont know why. i feel emotionally drained. my brain feels zombified by daily routines and mediocre television. and it doesnt help that i found out today that Iker Casillas, the goalie for my favorite team, Real Madrid, is currently playing the last season with the team. i love my club and the players on it, so to me this comes as a big blow. fuck im feeling shitty. it just seems we can never catch a break as the wheels of life keep perpetually turning.

besides thinking about soccer, ive become infatuated with the study of human psychology. here's a question for you. what do you do when someone you love so, so much, gets taken away from you and you cant do shit about it? all you can do is just watch.  a little piece of you dies on the inside. your left with a cold pain in your heart that nothing can warm up. you get butterflies in your stomach, but they're the kind of parasites that eat your insides up with every breath that you take.your breathing get heavier, and you can only hope that nothing reminds you of that person, but its no use. when you look into the mirror, you see their reflection right behind you, and when you turn around, they're gone.

this is where my music reference comes in. Estranged is a song by Guns N' Roses, and its my favorite song of all time, hands down. i HIGHLY recommend you listen to it. plus, it has a pretty badass guitar part too. but What it talks about how we can find ourselves in a world of loneliness and desperation without being able to do anything, but at the same time accepting the fact that its just wasnt meant to be. yesterday i said that sometimes the hardest part is letting go. but from this perspective, what is harder? leaving someone or being left alone? how can we sit there contemplating something so hurtful and run away from someone we love? there is never an easy exit out of love but hopefully its done with the best intentions for both.

the person on the receiving end of the message starts to think about what they couldve done better. your self esteem takes a nasty blow. i dont know if this is common for everyone, but ive felt like im not good enough for anybody afterwards. if my best wasnt good enough for them, whats going to stop the next person in my life from doing the same? your self worth becomes shit. you have this idea stuck in your head that you will never be happy again, and view everything in a negative matter, even if its something as simple as a household chore. you begin to do whatever it takes to make the pain go away. the brain has a way of fooling itself even in times of great despair. and during this whole ordeal, you lose what little sanity you had left from everything you put up with. all you want to do is give up.      

dont give up though. it doesnt matter if the odds are against you, nothing is written in stone. you can always come back from a loss. realize the mistakes youve made and admit them to yourself. learn from them. what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger, and the day is dark just before the sun rises. hope is all we have to hang on to, and that idea alone can help us make it over any obstacle that tries to get in our way. we've all felt this feeling once before, over the loss of someone we love. that feeling has a name. Estranged.

My favorite singer from Guns N' Roses, Axl Rose, explaining the song:

 

As long as you stay

an empty bed,
no sign of a soul.
this moment i dread,
as time takes it toll.

you're a work of art
that can never be erased.
and the key to your heart,
can never be misplaced

i wish this were a dream,
and that it never comes true.
without you it would seem,
i wont know what to do.

to live alone like this,
makes time feel too short.
your gentle lips i miss,
when i need you for support

with nowhere to go,
and no one to see.
im dying so slow,
for you to be with me.

we were never through,
no matter what you say.
i dont care what you do,
as long as you stay.

Damn. have you ever heard a song so sad and meaningful that it makes you feel like shit for the rest of the day? i have! my inspiration tonight came from the beautiful but deadly Shakira. the song behind this mediocre piece of shit i call a poem is called Que me quedes tu.  obviously its in spanish so if you want to hear it and dont speak spanish, bust out the google translator and look up the lyrics. i was remembering this song the other night and its been in my head ever since. its definitely a favorite of mine when im running or watching a sunset. its about how shitty your day can be going but there is always that one person at the end of the day that makes you feel good inside. and it has a pretty badass guitar riff too.

I wish that everyone out there going through a tough time time in their life feel better soon. thats who i dedicate this poem to. i dedicate it to everyone who feels alone and no one will listen. ive been there. its never too late to start over. this also goes out to everyone in a hard relationship. i understand that you love that person alot. but if there is one thing that ive learned in the past, is that sometimes letting go is the best decision.

ill save you some time looking for the song:     

Hell freezes over

to all of you that read my shit, im sorry i havent posted anything. ive been busy with alot of things and im just trying to get my head together. i havent been thinking much about anything lately. my uncle is in town from Cali. i love how we all laugh and smile as a family again. i never really had this feeling come up, but it feels good. im happy. but its not only because of my family. alot of unexpected things have happened last week, and i tried to make the most of them. this past week i felt something i hadnt felt in years. carefree. i genuinely feel happy. im happy that i can be there (most of the time, but unfortunately i missed spaghetti night) with my friends. i love those random times we make things happen.

i hate christmas. with a passion. its just another day you set your expectations high only to have reality fall short. fuck all these holiday festivities. it feels like a normal day to me. i didnt give a damn about christmas this year. but im not going to ruin it for everybody like i usually do. i sat this one out. i was neutral. i didnt want to piss anyone off. i didnt get anything from my parents, which i expected, but its ok. i did what i wanted this year. and thats more than enough.

i hate myself right now. alot. i cant finish this fucking blog. and its pissing me off. its frustrating me. i feel like my brain is holding back what it wants to say. i know what i want to say. i cant write it out though. i need some coffee fuck.fuck.fuck.   

Cigarettes and Coffee

ive recently caught a case of writers block. its the most annoying and frustrating thing know to writers and bloggers everywhere. you know that feeling when you have an idea in your head, but you just cant seem to write it down. my remedy for writers block? a gallon's worth of coffee, an ipod with with some great tunes, and a pack of marlboro lights. well it used to be. for all you wondering, yes, i used to smoke cigarettes. ill admit it. i was fucking depressed (more than i am now) at the time. dont judge me. its better than being an alcoholic. and i dont drink coffee anymore, that was the past. im 100% clean now. sometimes.

over the years ive learned to hone my gift of natural thought into something productive. i turn my rage and sadness into the end product you are reading right now. i blog about what i feel. no, im not fucking gay. i just like to write about shit that bothers me, angers me, or i think would be an interesting topic to piss some people off about. i love doing the last one. i like seeing people get passionate about an argument in what they believe in. im just not feeling it tonight. i have not a damn thing to write about. i hate talking about myself. and here i am describing what i like to fucking do. contradiction is leader of all rebellion. whatever the fuck that means. i just made that up.

im writing non stop for a reason. this reason is random. random as a elephant riding a bike. im trying not to stop typing and continue with the first thing that comes to mind. books. i love books. i love to read. knowledge is the fountain of youth. home. i miss california. i want to go home. sit on the beach. drown in the city. walk down the sunset strip. getting wasted. i want to get wasted. i dont drink. im not like that. i want to forget my sadness. loneliness. my best friend. i feel alone. no one here. who is there? when and where? suicide. end of life. im not suicidal. cowards way out of problems. friends. have very few. i love them all. i die for them. love. is it real? i felt it before. now its gone. cigarettes. calm my nerves. bad for health. who cares? i dont. jefferson merino. who is he? a nobody. loves to write depressing shit. still has hope for the common man. conscience. what drives me to make the right decisions.

holy shit. my brain just exploded with things to say. sometimes i feel like i know the meaning of life for a split second, but it goes by too fast to fully understand the idea. I love conversations about anything. ask anyone who talks to me. i dont give a fuck what we talk about. i love human interaction. its liberating. i only talk to smart people. so if i hold long conversations with you, congratulations. i love your brain as much as i love you. while we're on the topic, i noticed that i have a hard time saying i love you. it bothers the shit out of me. 3 words can do so much damage. maybe im trying to shield myself from something? i dont know. but is sure as hell feels like i have the Berlin wall around my heart. nothing is coming in or out.

hell yea. i wrote a fucking blog tonight. and to think i was actually just going to post some shit about me not feeling it. oh i felt it alright. i explained to a friend of mine one night why i write so fucked up about myself. first off, the shit i say about myself is true. all of it. second, it keeps me in check with my inner psycho. it keeps me down to earth. it keeps me brutal about what i feel. plus it keeps me honest about what i think. to me, the best way to try and start understanding the world is to understand yourself first. what are your habits? learn from your behavior. become a better person. what do you contribute to the world? understand that, and the rest will be easy. coffee and cigarettes, the best remedy for a suicidal failure.   

Death of the English Language

im just going to jump right into it tonight. everyday humans are becoming more and more stupid. prime example: swag. what the FUCK is swag? (emphasis on fuck). i obviously dont have it, and thank god, because it sounds like an STD, like crabs. people, please grow the fuck up. if swag is talking in an accent you dont really have, thats just makes you sound retarded. im not your "cuz" so dont fucking try to get my attention by saying "say cuz?!" like if your fucking Lil Jon and shit. Dont come up to me asking for a cigarette by saying "say cuz you got a square?!". get the fuck out of my face you remedial, idiotic piece of societal shit. you obviously dont know your shapes either because cigarettes are cylinder-shaped jackass. i swear the people that come up with half of this shit probably never graduated high school or didnt even finish community college.

and what the fuck is up with all these clothes people with "swag" are wearing. your wearing a black shirt with baby blue pants and red Vans. you look like a fucking bag  of skittles wearing all that shit. and what the fuck is the point of wearing skinny jeans if they're hanging of your ass and you can barely even walk straight? every time i see that i always get the urge to pants someone at the mall. i have to try really hard not to, it bothers me that much. i know i sound like an old geiser ranting about todays youth but this is different. i have a legit reason (i'll talk about the use of the word legit in a little.fuck)to voice my opinion on these things. our future world leaders are growing up on this shit. look around you, you see this garbage everywhere. our society, values, traditions, are all going down the shitter. America has nothing that its people can be proud of. our kids are growing up idiots, we have more people incarcerated than anywhere else in the world, and our government is just pure fucking nosy. and yet you want me to vote for someone who has "swag" ? shut that shit up.

Texting. holy shit i have alot on this too. when was the last time you read a book (FOR FUN)? that's right you illiterate bastards. you dont know. now im going to take it easy on this matter, because im guilty of it as well. the lol's,lmfao's, btw, idk, jk all that bullshit. people are starting to forget how to write! how many times do you write a text and you keep trying to write a word until it shows up when auto correct comes in? you lazy son of a bitch. yea i do it too, big fucking deal. the difference is i keep up with my writing skills when i read and when i write to you guys, my loyal followers. truth is, its only going to get worse. our word use is total fucking garbage. Legit. its short for legitimate, which means understandable or according to law. apparently, that's the new word for cool. how the fuck do you get cool from the word legit? "aww man that shit is legit!". you sound like such a fucking hipster saying that. i talk like a California surfer sometimes, because that's where im from. and i understand that in some places that's just how people talk. but people please make a concentrated effort to watch your tongue. foreigners speak better english than we do. now that's fucking pathetic. 

the greatest form of expression to me is literature. freedom of speech is something that i practice everyday when i write a blog post or im talking shit about something i am passionate about. its a god given right for fucks sake. so i think with the way we are becoming so dependent on technology and being influenced solely by mother fuckers who cant tell jack from shit, expect a decline in growth in our brain cavity. there will always be idiots in the world. we cant help that. but one way we can all help is to do the simplest of things. read a book. write a blog. expression. expression. expression. express your inner feelings, your darkest secrets, your happiest moments. fuck what the mainstream media or those ridiculous looking hipsters have to say. they are the sheep of the flock. be like the dog that rounds the sheep up. be different mentally. so the next time you see someone say or wear something ridiculous, or use a word wrong, make fun of them and correct them. we need more smart ass's in this world.

 

Sorry guys

sorry to you all that read my blog. im exhausted and i need some time alone. ill still answer my texts though. thanks for understanding.

you can leave a comment here to let me know what you guys want me to write about. comments and suggestions always welcome.

-jeff merino

California Sunset

its fucking hot. why the hell is it 80 degrees in the middle of december? i hate this weather. but at least its better than 100 degrees in the summer. these last few days have not been bad. i finally conquered my coffee addiction. and im starting to work out 100% full strength again. work is the same, school is no different. im already planning my next vacation. dont know where to yet, but its not going to be some place exotic again for a while. while i was up at 2 am just pacing my room last night, i began to meditate. i focused on a specific feeling. i focused on the feeling of being abandoned.

we've all felt it before. your awake at night all alone with no one to talk. all you want is for someone to listen. you feel cold and empty inside. over this last year i found out about it firsthand. i played on a soccer team. one day i called my friends to ask what time the game was on sunday. no response. i try everyone again a little later no response. then finally the next day i get a text at midnight from a friend saying that the team thought i was getting too much playing time, so i should come in as a sub. i wouldve been ok with that. but apparently they went to go play anyway without letting me know. i was basically kicked off a team of my own friends. they didnt even have the balls to tell me all this. i quit then and there. and i havent seen anyone from that team since.

i dont hate any of them. im not mad about it either. i wish them all the best. but how the fuck can you call someone your friend and not tell them a team decision? that just makes me question our friendship. but if you dont have the balls to tell me the truth, then we shouldnt be friends. get the fuck out of my face. and i guess thats when someone comes and tells me things happen for a reason. fuck that. this was pure bullshit. like i said before, i hate when people waste my time. obviously to them they could give a damn. i honestly did feel hurt. no bullshit. i went from playing the sport i love with some of the coolest guys ive known to fucking waking up ever sunday and seeing my cleats gather more and more dust as each weekend passes. i miss being a part of something. it relaxed my mind and gave me something else to focus on. then afterwards we would always go out and eat, win or lose. those were good memories. thats why i am the way i am now.

i dont want to be an asshole or a jerk. but it seems that everyone i meet somehow leaves and never even talks to me again. what am i doing wrong? im there for everyone when they need help. i never ask for anything in return. another supposed friend of mine from 6th grade. she was the first girl i ever had a crush on.we stayed in touch ever since the day we met. we talked even when she moved away in high school. i miss her. we would always talk about the old times in middle school. then all of a sudden she stopped talking to me. i was always the one that had to talk to her first. i was the one who had to call first. i got tired of all that. so i stopped contacting her to see if she would call. the last time i saw her was in the summer of 2010. its about to january of 2012, and still no answer. the only thing i really want this christmas is friendship, but like love these days, even that's too hard to attain. 

Morning Frost

to try your best,
sometimes isnt enough.
it becomes a greater test,
to a love thats too rough.

believe in my word,
youll hear me again.
a saying you've heard,
when sadness will begin.

a kiss from his lips,
a touch of her fingers.
arms around her hips,
its a memory that lingers.

i always want you near,
as close as i could try.
but to me the greatest fear,
is the day you say goodbye.

late in the night,
staring at the moon.
wishing with all my might,
the moment i see you soon.

living day by day,
a feeling that im lost.
the harsh words that you say,
colder than a morning frost.

ok, so this one i actually wrote before.i was on my phone waiting for a friend while listening to some john mayer and i felt inspired. yea i listen to john mayer. so what? dont fucking judge me. anyway, a song that really caught my attention was heartbreak warfare by john mayer. its a cool breakup song that i really like because he goes through explaining how he's dealing with the breakup and what he feels about her after. you guys should check it out. which leads me to the question that you probably dont give a shit about but ill ask anyway. would you ever consider taking back someone who broke your heart? i rather not talk about this one much in my personal life but ill share my views on it.

a part of me wants to run back to the person. i just want everything to go back to the way it was and we could forget this whole mess. half of me wants that happily ever after ending. but another half of me says no. the damage they caused is irreparable, there is no turning back. but you miss that person so much that you would do anything to just smell their scent or feel their skin. on the other hand, your doing better without them, youve moved on, the past will stay past. they were just another person in your life. the list goes on and on. your torn between choosing whether to relive the past or construct a new future. what do you do?

Blurry

i wake up in the middle of nowhere, floating in the infinite abyss called the ocean. its night time im shipwrecked, but i dont know how i got there. i am the only survivor. then all of a sudden i feel something. i feel a light tug at my legs, then it comes. im being pulled down by someone, but i dont know who. my head is submerged in the salty water. i fight and scream as hard as i can, but it feels like an anchor is pulling me down. every second under water i panic more and more, wasting what little breath i have left. i feel death coming. i know hes there with me. and then it happens. i die....
this has been a recurring nightmare that ive had for years. it first started in high school, but i have yet to decipher its meaning in my self conscious state. waking up to this shit is not a good way to start your monday morning.

over the past couple of days ive been wondering alot about everything. i have a routine that  usually follow for different things, but sometimes i just get sick and tired of that shit. i think to myself that there has to be more to life than just busting your ass at work, going to school, picking up your kids from school, you know? thats all normal adult shit.  but i want to take that a step further. i want to do things that people rarely ever get the chance of even dreaming about. i want to do what i want. i answer to nobody. keep your own fuck ups to yourself. i have enough problems of my own. no one is going to stop me from reaching my goals.

to me, i could careless about getting married. that is not a priority of mine. i dont even want to be married or have kids. in fact, marriage in today's society is a fucking joke. you can get divorced just as fast as you got hitched. fuck that. i dont want to spend 30 years of my life with a woman who after our kids grow up is going to use me, divorce me, and take half of my shit. fuck you. i might as well just avoid that whole situation all together. it feels like marriage would hold me back. it limits what i can and cant do. i want to be able to do whatever the fuck i want. i want to hangout with whoever i want. dont tell me what to do. your not my fucking mom. and im not 12 years old.

and kids are the same thing. alot of girls i know have gotten pregnant at an early age. ok, we all make mistakes. but dont go around bitching how hard life is for you. you made your fucking choice now live with it. one thing that i have noticed is that a majority of chicks say that their kids mean the world to them, and how they couldnt live without them. shut the fuck up. you did not say the same thing or feel the same way when you got pregnant. you know damn well that kid was a mistake, but to make yourself feel better, you act like you planned it all along. save that bullshit for someone who cares. having kids is something a married couple that is mentally and financially stable should do. to me they are just another hassle, they get in my way. theyre like a miniature version of you, and for some reason that pisses me off.

i know what i want in life. i know how to achieve my goals. the only thing in my way is time. i need time to grow. i need time to mature. i need time to understand. i need all these things and a bottle of sleeping pills and orange juice so i can fade off into a drug induced haze. but seriously though, marriage and kids are not for everyone. i think i would be a badass dad. i really do. but bringing kids into a world that has no more morality, honor, truth, and justice, i want to spare somebody all that. as for marriage, thats the biggest waste of fucking time. you think you love someone then what do they do? they run off with half of you hard work to hook up with your pool boy that knows only a little english and is half her age. thats right i said it, so what? the world has no more vision of what was once sacred. everything is blurry.

     

Be quiet and drive

2 things. number 1 is i feel and look like shit. im so fucking exhausted. i dont know how much longer my body can keep up with no sleep. and it doesnt help that i quit drinking coffee cold turkey neither. i got a major fucking headache saturday when i quit drinking and all i think about is coffee now. i know i have the self control to overcome it, but now i know what a full blown addiction is. dont drink coffee kids. and number 2, Real Madrid fucking lost...AGAIN. I never talk mess about Barcelona, because they are currently the best in the world (yes i admit it). but what the fuck Real? you go up a goal in 22 seconds then you fucking blow your lead on poor team play. and a favorite boxer of mine, Amir Khan, lost his titles because of 2 referee mistakes. shit was not going down this past weekend.

but this addiction to coffee is what fucked me up the most. i couldnt sleep. i couldnt think straight. my head was pounding. after i woke up from 6 hour nap, i began to think "wow, people deal with addictions 10 times worse than mine, and they make it. so if they can do, i damn well can do this". i never knew that a craving for something so simple could lead to go almost fucking insane. i started to sweat a little, my hands were cold, all i could think of was that hot brew with 3 packets of milk and 2 sugars touching my lips and calming me down. i imagine junkies feel the same way.

it feels like something on the inside gets a hold of you, and a little crazy voice gets inside of your head, yelling at you to give in, give in you make it. your too weak. just one cup wont hurt. i try to drown the voices out from my head. i drink a bottle of water, hoping to quench my thirst. im ok...for now. i get home and i lay down in my bed, my head throbbing in agony. why is this happening to me? im a healthy person. i dont drink soda, i dont eat fast food, i dont each chips and i love to exercise. my chest and arms start to get itchy. it starts with one scratch, then it grows. i want to skin myself. i take a cold shower, the itch dissappears. im ok...for now.

 at night i toss and turn in bed. i dont have the sugar rush in my blood that im used to feeling. i have a problem. im trying to solve my problem on my own. im trying to prove to myself that i can overcome any obstacle that gets in my way, because i wont have anyone to help me in the future. the rage and desperation in me grow with each second im away from the poison. i pace my room at 2am on sunday. im trying to calm myself down with anything i see. i dont want to read a book, i dont want to watch tv. i need a drink. NOW. out of the search for a cure, i found my remedy. my ipod. the one thing in my life that can entertain me without saying anything. i turn it on and as im laying in bed, i hit the shuffle button. first song that comes up, ill sing and think about it. Deftones. excellent choice. what song? Be quiet and drive. sweet. i think about the song over and over. i imagine myself as chino moreno, the lead singer.  i imagine being onstage and screaming my lungs out to this song, and feeling the energy from the sold out crowd. the devil goes away, and now i am alone.

i woke up that morning feeling better. not 100% but it was a start. my stomach felt cleaner and i stopped feeling anxious. ive been clean since saturday, since friday i had my last drink. i hope i never have to go through some shit like that ever again. who knew something so simple could just tear your insides apart? i now know how it feels to be truly addicted. ive seen what addiction can do to you. i was basically almost insane that night. but i thank god that i was only addicted to coffee, and not anything else. we can all battle our habits and addictions. all i wanted was a way out. i just wanted to run away with someone, no explanations, just be quiet and drive. whether your addictions are good or bad is not the case, its you being in control of yourself that matters.

here's the song that saved me that night...

If not now, when?

for once in a long time, im tired. i feel exhausted. the only thing thats been keeping me going is coffee. and thats poison to your health. ive been cutting down on that shit. tomorrow though, i start clean. no more. i hope that everyone reading my blogs has enjoyed them as much as i have writing them. i hope that by reading these little rants you guys get to know me better and know how i think. but most importantly is that i hope i inspire each and everyone of you. i want everyone to do something out of their comfort zones and express themselves. the greatest freedom we have is freedom of expression.

i pride myself in saying that im no ordinary guy. i know it, and i understand it. but im not cocky though. i understand that god has given me the intelligence to overcome every problem, the self control to reject all temptations, and the open mindedness to understand the world. i wish that i could share the success i have had in my still short life with all my friends and family. i really do. but things never work as planned, so thats why you plan for the unexpected. tonights blog isnt about a damn thing. i felt like i needed a break from all the crazy social dilemmas happening in our world. what im writing about tonight is out of pure instinct. im writing what i feel, and i feel good. i feel good knowing that im not a nobody that has everything done for them. i feel good writing about what i feel again. i feel good that im reconnecting with some special people that have touched my life. but most of all, i feel good knowing that i am more successful than the people that always made fun of me.

i'll admit it openly, i was a complete loser in high school. i didnt fit into any social circle, i had no friends, and i was lonely all the time. but all that helped shape me into who i am today. today i feel like i can do anything. i took a vacation to my home city Los Angeles for my birthday alone, with my own money i saved. i recently made the pilgrimage to Madrid by myself, to watch my favorite soccer team. i have my own things. i have my own money. i have nice things now that i didnt have in high school. now my enemies are begging me to help them. they all made fun of me for the correct decisions that i made in high school. now i have more than they do, and they are embarrassed to ask me for help. who got the last laugh now? the weird thing is though, i still try and help. i believe that for us to see the better things in life we have to live through the shittiest of moments. we should all give a helping hand to one another, no matter what your past is.

to end tonight's post, i feel content where i am now in life. i have grown alot in the last 5 years. ive learned that one shouldnt give a fuck what people think, because in the end, theyre just another loser. alot of life lessons have been learned, and i write about them almost daily. but one moment this summer has really stuck to me. i love walking downtown at night. it vaguely takes me back to LA. Well one time i walked past a bum asking for money. as usual, i just ignored him. what he said next still keeps up at night: "hey man! maybe one day you'll need help!" holy shit. those words pierced right through me. i felt like garbage the rest of the night. i began to think to myself "he's right". one day i will be overwhelmed by something i cant handle on my own, and i feel like im going to panic and mess up.i hope i can be prepared for that day, because if not now, when?        

With the birds i'll share this lonely view

i am addicted to fucking coffee. im writing this shit right now and drinking a fresh brew. now i know how crackheads feel. this is MY drug, liquid crack, aka coffee. i got to get off this stuff. anywho, once again i found myself waking up late as shit, taking a 5 minute shower, and hauling ass to work. but to be honest, i love the drive to work. that is when i think the most. i listen to some chill/stoner type music while on the way i try to not make it look like i went to sleep at 3 in the morning. i look like shit during the day so imagine when i wake up.

while i was driving this morning, this great topic came out of my head: would you ever date one of your friends? first off, i know that to start a relationship, you have to be friends. no fucking shit. but would you ever cross that line for somebody that you genuinely like? because once you go through with it there is no turning back. that shit is done son. one of the arguments that alot of people make on this is that if it doesnt work out, they can always be friends. your are so fucking wrong! you feel like crap because things didnt work out the way you wanted them too, so we feel like what the fuck is point of even talking to this person? dont give me all that bullshit. how many of you actually really do have a friendship with an ex? thats super rare these days. ill admit i do, with who it is doesnt matter, but i know VERY few people do. unless its a booty call, you dont talk to them. and you know it.  the most fucked up part is, there's no fixing a friendship. its like trying to put together a broken window. you cant.

another half of me says lets go for it. you guys know each other well enough that you both feel like it time to take that one step further. its kind of like getting unofficially married. your both comfortable around each other and you know what the other likes and doesnt like. there's not really much of a difference from when you were friends. and who knows, maybe your best friend turns out to be your spouse?or you marry your high school sweetheart. they both started from young friendships.  i know that if we both try it will work.

to tell you the truth, i dont think shit will work, because what happens is that when things dont seem to work out. someone is going to get hurt.  i have more reason why it wont work than i do on how it will. im not trying to be negative. get that straight. from my point of view and from my experiences, its worked only once but we both live separate lives now. the odds of getting your house egged on halloween are greater than something like this. no one gives a shit anymore. and pretty soon we end up alone and with nobody. you fucking lost. it wasnt meant to be. just save yourself the heartache. like i said before, this isnt a hollywood movie. live in reality. and people please, USE COMMON SENSE. what did you think was going to happen? dont be surprised when shit goes down hill faster than you can run.

i guess in the end what it boils down to is: are you willing to risk a friendship for love? 

Scar Tissue

i am not perfect. i am an asshole, i swear alot, im rude, im a smartass, and i hate people. but im ok once you get to know me. sorry, i had to get that out of the way. moving on! im pretty sure this has happened to everyone in their lives, and to some more than others. have you ever looked forward to something so much, to only have the person you were going with bail on you? tell me, how do you feel? should you feel angry because they dont want to go or cant go? or do you feel sad because this was supposed to be a special moment thats been ruined? your left with a bitter taste in your mouth, your stomach turns into a knot, and your left with a $200 ticket that you cant refund because its concert day. the ticket and concert thing hasnt happened to me, because i would go by myself anyway, im just creepy like that. but the feeling that you got when you learned that plans were canceled, or someone didnt hold up their share of the bargain, thats what everyone feels. you, my friend, have just been let down.

being let down comes in alot of different cases and scenarios.for example, the classic "ill meet you at the movies but another person called me, so ill just stand you up" routine. that shit aint cool. or the one where you make yourself look like an ass in front of  everyone and embarrass your friends and family. all of them turn to the same feeling in the end. the hardest one to me is letting my friends down. there have been plenty of timees in my life that i felt like such an inconsiderate douche bag after realizing what i have done. i dont know what's worse. actually going through and knowingly backing out of an agreement, or facing the person after the damage has been done. i feel like complete utter shit. hands down, the most painful thing to watch for me is seeing the person i hurt act like its ok, when on the inside i see they're sad. knowing that and not being able to do anything just eats away at my soul. i fucking lose sleep over shit like this. if there is one thing ive learned about letting someone down, is that if the other person feels hurt, then they really do care about you, because they wanted you to be with them.

i feel like family members can get over it, they will love you no matter what. at least thats what i think. but if your going to do something with someone, go fucking through with it. dont leave them hanging. people have no idea the lasting damage they can do. ive lost alot of good friends because i let them down, but i never stopped caring for anyone because they let me down. shit happens in life. not everyone is as considerate as we are. why should i stop caring about you because of one incident? i am ALWAYS understanding to anyone's situation. you dont have to explain a damn thing to me. you dont have to give me an excuse. you dont wanna go, then you dont wanna go. end of story. i respect someone more if they tell me the truth than someone who makes up a lie. but back to the topic. have an open mind and an open heart, and you will never be hurt.

that knot in your stomach and the anger in your veins will go away, eventually. like forrest gump said, shit happens. i really do miss the people that ive hurt in the past, and i hope that one day they forgive me. and im sorry if ive ever done this to anyone myself. we all have good intentions when it comes to being there for someone, but to make an empty promise. its like making a deal with devil. you have everything to lose and nothing to gain. be mindful of others, because one day karma give you a left hook to eye like youve been punched by manny pacquiao, and he'll leave you looking like margarito after that fight. i hope all of you can go to sleep with this one idea in your mind: you cant live life thinking that one day, everyone will let you down. 

Cant Stop

i tried my best,
but it wasnt enough.
it was only a test,
that proved to be too tough.

who wouldve thought,
that you would just go.
the answers i sought,
no one would know.

day and night,
i miss your sweet scent.
but you cant stand the sight,
of the flowers i sent.

was it you or me?
i cant even remember.
our one year to be,
was this coming december.

get out of my face,
your wasting my time.
go sleep at your place,
ill be just fine.


i bid you adieu,
but my heart seems to drop.
thinking of you,
i just cant stop.

holy. fucking. shit. that will be the LAST poem i write in a good long while. i thought i was about to have a fucking aneurism writing that shit. jeez. i wrote this poem for a good friend of mine. i hope she likes it and i hope she knows that i really did try my bestto write it. i dont think its good at all, well at least to the ones ive wrtitten in the past. but a poem is a poem. its something i USED to be good at. i found it as a great hobby, i made a lot of people happy writing these. my record so far has been writing one in 5 minutes. that was one of the coolest things i had ever done. this is actually the second one i have written in 3 years. i just dont feel inspired anymore. i lost my edge. now all i can write about is depressing shit, and i was never like that. 

if you havent guessed it by now, this liitle piece is about 2 people breaking up and how one person tries to keep it together but the other one pushes away. i got the idea from this from a song called Dont Cry, by the best mudda fucking band in the world!!! Guns N FUCKING Roses! sorry i just felt like i had too write it like that. but no one writes shit like this anymore. no one get down to ugly, nasty, and raw emotions of the human heart. guys think theyre too much of a tough guy to say these things, but i think it makes you more of a man if you express yourself. guys you are not fucking Rambo or Russian, so lighten up.

i cant remember the last good song i heard that actually made me feel something besides disgust. what ever happened to just saying whats on your mind?
what? the land of the free? whoever told you that  is your enemy. - rage against the machine

so todays blog i think went actually pretty well. i learned that i am a untalented nobody and that my writing mojo is all but depleted. fuck.

The Sound of Winter

first, before i go into full rant mode about nonsense and bullshit, i just wanna say that im fucking happy the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS ARE COMING TO HOUSTON!! its gonna go down! we're about to californicate the SHIT out of that concert. ive been waiting years to finally see them, although i think they will be without guitarist John Frusciante, but none the less its the Chili Peppers dude! And i recently saw Mila Kunis on the cover of GQ magazine and i was just blown away. i think if i ever met her i would just stare awkwardly at that beautiful face of hers, with a little drool coming out here and there. no bullshit she is that hot. Meagan Fox aint got shit on her, except a face full of botox and an ugly ass marylin monroe tattoo, which FYI marylin monroe was bi polar AND a little insane. bet you didnt know that huh?!

winter time always reminds me of that sad feeling you get when your alone and you see everyone around cuddled up with their significant other. its a pretty depressing sight. christmas time isnt about that new ipod you got, or that new cellphone, or even the new call of duty that just came out. none of that bullshit matters. the person on the other end receiving the gift is what matters. we've all heard the saying "its the thought that counts". and it really is. but no one ever seems to care about that these days. we are so drawn to material things that we forget to even THANK  the person that bought us the damn gift in the first place.

the greatest gift i think a person can give OR receive is the gift of love. it doesnt have to be the romantic kind of love, but just the kind of love that takes that cold, sad, and empty feeling away, even if its just for that moment. as human beings the two things we all want is for someone to listen to us and someone to love us. no amount of money can buy you those two things. love in its purest form is like a fountain of happiness that when we taste it, it makes us feel good inside. i dont want to sound like anyone's parents (because you probably dont listen to them anyway) but we all grew up with our parents teaching us that, so how come we dont ever obey?       

how many of you single people reading this honestly feel like shit when you walk past that happy couple in the mall? yup, i raised up both hands too. that example leads me to my next observation in human behavior: why the fuck do we always want what we cant have? when i say that, i dont mean those new pair of jordans that cost half your pathetic paycheck, im talking about emotionally. sometimes we want someone so much that we make oursleves go crazy trying to make them ours. we adopt the idea that "if your not mine, your not anybody's". and people go to the extremes to reach that! we are willing to destroy a relationship for the pure satisfaction of wanting them all for yourself. how far would you go to force someone into loving you? your borderline fucking crazy to pull off some shit like that.  

the cold nights of winter make my face and ears go numb. its a feeling that ive come to embrace, and its a feeling i know all too well. enjoy your time with your loved ones this winter. savor every moment when your in the arms of your significant other. as i mentioned before, people will try and ruin what you have for their chance at happiness. but remember one thing: to always see things through the other persons point of view. we all make mistakes, and we all want what others are fortunate enough to have. sooner or later we will have our moment of absolute happiness. what the world needs now love. its the only thing that there's just too little of. do you hear the lonely sound of the wind outside? thats the sound of winter. 

Nice guys finish last

we've all heard the saying, nice guys finish last. of all the bullshit sayings ive ever heard, this one will always be true. we nice guys try our best. and we try hard. but what do we have to show for our hard work? Getting stuck with "we're just friends" status. that shit is a real let down. and what i never understood is how women bitch and complain on how they want to meet a nice guy, and end up in a meaningless relationship with some asshole that works at Hollister. Cmon ladies, your all drop dead gorgeous. and the best you can do is some guy that gets paid minimum wage at Mcdonalds and cares more about his mohawk than you? sometimes i dont even bother trying anymore. what the fuck is the point?

the nice guy is the dreamer. he's the loser in the movie that ends up getting the girl in the end. but reality then hits us: its not gonna happen. we spend our time day dreaming on that one chance that one day we will get that date we so deserve. we replay that moment over and over again in our heads. we fall asleep thinking about you. we dream about you being at our side. but then reality hits again: your dating the dude thats probably fucking you best friend. and you have no idea. we're the guy you come running to when you find out. and in our heads we're saying, "i would never do that to you."

the nice guy never gets a chance. everyday we want that chance to come, and when it finally does, we'll show you what we're made of. when the world doesnt give a shit about you, we do. we do everything humanly possible to bring that pretty little smile back on your face. we would go to hell and back for you. but from look of things that chance never comes. you move on to next asshole. each prick you meet is worse than the one before. that chance we wanted? it starts to go away. and we realize that. our eyes open up and we begin to see that we are just shadows in your world. we dont get noticed. we are the shit of society. a dying breed decent men that all we wanted to do was to love and be loved.

the nice guy is fucking insane. once we realize that your just another bitch in the world, something happens in our hearts. we turn into the asshole you love so much. i end up not giving a fuck about anybody, because really whats the point? no one cares about me, no one notices me. you get tired of dating the same douche bags, and you finally think of me. you want to give the nice guy a chance, and you approach him. too fucking late. hes gone. he sold his soul to the devil so he can get rid of the pain you caused. you see him walking with a beautiful girl, but he acts like he doesnt notice her. they are a couple, but not the way one traditionally sees two people together. he walks past you and you try to say something, but he doesnt even acknowledge your existence.  he walks away. you say to yourself "what an asshole", and you remember all the times he was there for you. as you remember you realize: that girl he was walking with, that was you. you killed all that was good in him. now hes just like everyone else. you lost your chance, and i lost my beliefs.   

do you see the point im trying to make? ladies please give this some thought. its cool if you dont like us in that kind of way, but dont fuck around with our feelings. i could care less how gay that sounds, but its true. to get respect you first have to give it.  its no wonder that in this generation men dont respect women. because you let yourselves be controlled by the mofo with the ugly ass mohawk. sometimes i think the guys women are with are a fucking joke. i dont see how this fat ass, beer drinking, dirty piece of shit even hooked up with you. you can do WAY better and you  got stuck with HIM? get the fuck out of my face before the inner asshole in me comes out.

To end this little crazy ass rant i got going on, LADIES: give the nice guy a chance. he may not be the man of your dreams, but he will ALWAYS love you. No matter what. 

Californication

Califonication. the word that leads you into a definition that makes a simple idea into a complicated process. what the fuck did i just say? im not even sure i understood that myself. but anyway, i miss california. to me its a place where you can go and have DECENT fun and still enjoy life.

as kids, we all kind of grew up in our own little neighborhood. everyone new each other, and thats what made it special. the people you grew up with. your street was the area you called home. we all knew as kids where our neighborhood started and ended. when you went outside of that area, we were strangers, nobodies. and im not going to hide it: i fucking hate Houston. ive never felt like a part of  place i would call home. i feel like an outsider, a wanderer. wherever i go you get that nauseous feeling of homesickness, and thats what ive felt for the past 15 fucking years.

how would you feel if you were ripped away from everything you love? leaving behind only a sea of memories and dead fish. everything pisses me off here. i cant stand that country ass accent. i cant stand the heat. i cant stand not having shit to do. everyday i feel i have to drag my ass out of bed and force another day down my throat. there's no going back though, what's done is done.

californication has never stopped nor will it stop. its a movement that progresses as the times change. its here to stay, and not moving anytime soon. the meaning of the word depends entirely on you. to me it means a paradise lost, a place that exists and you want to visit, but your let down when finally get the chance to see it.  

i wasnt too inspired today to write. ive caught a shitty case of homesickness today and i thought "fuck it. ill write about it." tomorrow i promise will be more exciting. if your ecpecting me to write more tonight, oh well, this is all you got. maybe before i go to bed ill think about a little place called Anaheim, California. My home.