Blurry

i wake up in the middle of nowhere, floating in the infinite abyss called the ocean. its night time im shipwrecked, but i dont know how i got there. i am the only survivor. then all of a sudden i feel something. i feel a light tug at my legs, then it comes. im being pulled down by someone, but i dont know who. my head is submerged in the salty water. i fight and scream as hard as i can, but it feels like an anchor is pulling me down. every second under water i panic more and more, wasting what little breath i have left. i feel death coming. i know hes there with me. and then it happens. i die....
this has been a recurring nightmare that ive had for years. it first started in high school, but i have yet to decipher its meaning in my self conscious state. waking up to this shit is not a good way to start your monday morning.

over the past couple of days ive been wondering alot about everything. i have a routine that  usually follow for different things, but sometimes i just get sick and tired of that shit. i think to myself that there has to be more to life than just busting your ass at work, going to school, picking up your kids from school, you know? thats all normal adult shit.  but i want to take that a step further. i want to do things that people rarely ever get the chance of even dreaming about. i want to do what i want. i answer to nobody. keep your own fuck ups to yourself. i have enough problems of my own. no one is going to stop me from reaching my goals.

to me, i could careless about getting married. that is not a priority of mine. i dont even want to be married or have kids. in fact, marriage in today's society is a fucking joke. you can get divorced just as fast as you got hitched. fuck that. i dont want to spend 30 years of my life with a woman who after our kids grow up is going to use me, divorce me, and take half of my shit. fuck you. i might as well just avoid that whole situation all together. it feels like marriage would hold me back. it limits what i can and cant do. i want to be able to do whatever the fuck i want. i want to hangout with whoever i want. dont tell me what to do. your not my fucking mom. and im not 12 years old.

and kids are the same thing. alot of girls i know have gotten pregnant at an early age. ok, we all make mistakes. but dont go around bitching how hard life is for you. you made your fucking choice now live with it. one thing that i have noticed is that a majority of chicks say that their kids mean the world to them, and how they couldnt live without them. shut the fuck up. you did not say the same thing or feel the same way when you got pregnant. you know damn well that kid was a mistake, but to make yourself feel better, you act like you planned it all along. save that bullshit for someone who cares. having kids is something a married couple that is mentally and financially stable should do. to me they are just another hassle, they get in my way. theyre like a miniature version of you, and for some reason that pisses me off.

i know what i want in life. i know how to achieve my goals. the only thing in my way is time. i need time to grow. i need time to mature. i need time to understand. i need all these things and a bottle of sleeping pills and orange juice so i can fade off into a drug induced haze. but seriously though, marriage and kids are not for everyone. i think i would be a badass dad. i really do. but bringing kids into a world that has no more morality, honor, truth, and justice, i want to spare somebody all that. as for marriage, thats the biggest waste of fucking time. you think you love someone then what do they do? they run off with half of you hard work to hook up with your pool boy that knows only a little english and is half her age. thats right i said it, so what? the world has no more vision of what was once sacred. everything is blurry.