veni, vedi, vici. i came, i saw, i conquered. A phrase reportedly made popular by Julius Caesar. plenty of times in our lives we feel the need to take control and conquer whatever its is we're trying to overcome. as of recent, ive just passed a crossroads in my chapter. finding common ground with common sense and what i think is morally correct has been a struggle for me since my adolescence. but with age and experience comes knowledge and wisdom, the latter compensating for time spent figuring out what to do. the point im trying to make is that sometimes letting things just naturally fall into place isnt enough. the optimist dreams while the opportunist takes advantage. veni, vedi, vici. why limit and become complacent with ourselves? tomorrow has yet to be written.
like i mentioned earlier, i just passed a crossroads in myself. in the most unexpected of ways, ive realized that people dont see me the same way i see myself. as individuals, we focus on our faults and imperfections because those are the things that we know for sure. but how do we know if we're nice? how do we know we're caring, compassionate, a good listener? we dont. qualities that define a person as "good" cant be seen in oneself. sometimes we do things involuntarily. within the last few months, ive noticed a growing trend of people discussing their personal matters with me, quiet openly i might add. at first it annoyed me, (with the exception of a few people, they know who they are), but it got to the point where things got personal and i didnt know them very well. i thought to myself what could be the reason for this? the answer has been in front of me the whole time. people want to be heard. they want someone to listen to them. maybe they dont get attention at home. maybe they dont feel comfortable talking with anyone. or maybe they just dont have anyone in general to talk to. the reasons are unknown, but in some sort of way, i sympathize with these people. i remember what it was like longing for someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. i didnt find that specific person i could confide with, so i made a promise to myself years ago. it doesnt matter who you are, i will listen to you, because i know what it was like not having anyone to talk to. i know what it was like having so many thoughts and emotions bottled up and not having any sort of outlet available.
i have always valued peoples time. its something thats engraved in my soul. every moment that a person spends listening to me, every phone call i get asking me how im doing, every random "hi" text, every good morning that people tell me are things that i cherish and appreciate deeply. those are things that take time, and time is a precious commodity. when something is using and spending their time on me, that is a person i respect and care about deeply. this is one of those things that no amount of words or using any in depth vocabulary can describe. i am very serious when in comes to peoples time. and i know that i sound redundant describing this, but thats how intense i feel about time. people arent obligated to listen you, talk to you, look at you. knowing that someone genuinely cares about your well being is something that shouldnt be taken lightly. what we take for granted others could only wish they had. use your time to let someone else know that you appreciate theirs. acknowledging your appreciation for them can make anyones day. sometimes the people that listen to us need a little boost of their own. why dont you start by thanking them for being there for you? Like Layne Staley said, "if i would, could you?"
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Russian Roulette
everyday to me is a learning process. not only do i try to learn something everyday to better myself, but i learn about myself as well. sometimes when i think im right in a situation, i replay it in my head and realize that the majority of time, im wrong. im blinded by my own arrogance and selfishness. i dont see things from the other persons point of view and i end up upsetting or disappointing them. i try to run away from that part of me, but i feel chained in the abyss that lives within. the harder i run, the more consumed i get, like a shadow that follows you in the dark.
i stay up at night trying to forgive myself for the people that i hurt in my life. some nights i cant sleep at all because of the deep sadness and emptiness i feel inside. forgiveness is earned, but i feel like i dont do anything to make things right. im trying to swim forward in a pool of mistakes, but im swimming against the tide and drowning. thats part of the reason i keep myself quarantined. i dont want to infect people with my virus. my problems should not become the problems of others.
ive felt disappointment my whole life, so at a young age i decided for myself that i would be there for people that needed me. my philosophy at the time was simple: i wanted to be there for people because no one was ever there for me. i didnt want someone to feel that seclusion and loneliness that i felt. people deserved more than that. but as i got older, i realized that people dont care about you, no matter what you do for them. slowly my world came crumbling down, and i was left alone in the ashes and ruble. that was the time i started giving up. i didnt deserve to be treated like some sort of stress pillow. i never wanted something in return from these people, but to be just forgotten like i never existed? all of a sudden, the dark feelings i was trying to prevent other people from having were growing in me. my pessimistic attitude was born.
life and nature have a weird way of helping you though. im a firm believer that everyone enters and leaves your life according to their time. i still dont know what to make of the hand nature has dealt me, but so far, im more than appreciative of my support. sometimes we do get dealt a bad hand, but its up to us to try and make the best out of it. the people we meet and let in to our soul will always be a gamble because they have the power to help and build us up or tear us down. when we open up to someone, we bet everything and go all in. thats the only way to truly understand someone. sometimes we open up for the wrong people, but thats part of the game. people can be hit or miss. just like russian roulette.
i stay up at night trying to forgive myself for the people that i hurt in my life. some nights i cant sleep at all because of the deep sadness and emptiness i feel inside. forgiveness is earned, but i feel like i dont do anything to make things right. im trying to swim forward in a pool of mistakes, but im swimming against the tide and drowning. thats part of the reason i keep myself quarantined. i dont want to infect people with my virus. my problems should not become the problems of others.
ive felt disappointment my whole life, so at a young age i decided for myself that i would be there for people that needed me. my philosophy at the time was simple: i wanted to be there for people because no one was ever there for me. i didnt want someone to feel that seclusion and loneliness that i felt. people deserved more than that. but as i got older, i realized that people dont care about you, no matter what you do for them. slowly my world came crumbling down, and i was left alone in the ashes and ruble. that was the time i started giving up. i didnt deserve to be treated like some sort of stress pillow. i never wanted something in return from these people, but to be just forgotten like i never existed? all of a sudden, the dark feelings i was trying to prevent other people from having were growing in me. my pessimistic attitude was born.
life and nature have a weird way of helping you though. im a firm believer that everyone enters and leaves your life according to their time. i still dont know what to make of the hand nature has dealt me, but so far, im more than appreciative of my support. sometimes we do get dealt a bad hand, but its up to us to try and make the best out of it. the people we meet and let in to our soul will always be a gamble because they have the power to help and build us up or tear us down. when we open up to someone, we bet everything and go all in. thats the only way to truly understand someone. sometimes we open up for the wrong people, but thats part of the game. people can be hit or miss. just like russian roulette.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Fear Is What Gives Men Wings
these breaks i take in between posts are terrible. right when i think im starting to gain momentum, i stop writing. i have so many things i want to write about but nothing ever materializes. ideas always sound better in your head than when you write them down.
during these last few months ive felt a cocktail of emotions. i thought i knew how to handle them, but ive gone all in on a losing hand. its fear. im afraid of losing whats left of me. the little part of myself that i save for people who deserve to know the real me. slowly its fading away into nothing more than a memory. no matter how hard i try to change, there is always something that wants to see me fail. so far ive done a pretty good job of keeping myself under control, but how much more of this can i take? im afraid of what will come out when i finally lose myself. i dont even want to know.
in my mind i always wonder how people live so calm and freely? i realize that that's one of my problems. i think about everything i see. and when i cant find the answer, the question never stops bothering me. its a daily cycle. i dont know why not having an answer bothers me so much. i know that in life, sometimes the most beautiful things we see or do dont have an answer. one question that i ask myself recently is what makes me cold minded. is it jealousy i feel towards people that i see genuinely happy? or is it knowing that ive had to work for everything i had while some people where born into it? or maybe its the loneliness growing inside that ive felt most my life?
im still nocturnal. there were some nights i didnt sleep at all. thinking. waiting for a thought to help me go to sleep. all i could think about was my fear. i understand we all feel afraid at some point in time, but usually people have some sort of self assurance, like a book or someone else. in my case i really dont have many options. i have to face my fears head on. ive been dissapointed so many times in my life now that i feel immune to the effects their choices. there have been plenty of times people have just left me when i was at my lowest. even though they did that, it helped me deal with things on my own.
every once in awhile i do wish i had someone to go to, but i remember everything that ive gone through, ive been alone. what drives me isnt the will to move forward.. far from it. its fear. my fear of failure. i dont want it to catch up with me or to be eaten alive by it. after all, its fear that gives men wings.
during these last few months ive felt a cocktail of emotions. i thought i knew how to handle them, but ive gone all in on a losing hand. its fear. im afraid of losing whats left of me. the little part of myself that i save for people who deserve to know the real me. slowly its fading away into nothing more than a memory. no matter how hard i try to change, there is always something that wants to see me fail. so far ive done a pretty good job of keeping myself under control, but how much more of this can i take? im afraid of what will come out when i finally lose myself. i dont even want to know.
in my mind i always wonder how people live so calm and freely? i realize that that's one of my problems. i think about everything i see. and when i cant find the answer, the question never stops bothering me. its a daily cycle. i dont know why not having an answer bothers me so much. i know that in life, sometimes the most beautiful things we see or do dont have an answer. one question that i ask myself recently is what makes me cold minded. is it jealousy i feel towards people that i see genuinely happy? or is it knowing that ive had to work for everything i had while some people where born into it? or maybe its the loneliness growing inside that ive felt most my life?
im still nocturnal. there were some nights i didnt sleep at all. thinking. waiting for a thought to help me go to sleep. all i could think about was my fear. i understand we all feel afraid at some point in time, but usually people have some sort of self assurance, like a book or someone else. in my case i really dont have many options. i have to face my fears head on. ive been dissapointed so many times in my life now that i feel immune to the effects their choices. there have been plenty of times people have just left me when i was at my lowest. even though they did that, it helped me deal with things on my own.
every once in awhile i do wish i had someone to go to, but i remember everything that ive gone through, ive been alone. what drives me isnt the will to move forward.. far from it. its fear. my fear of failure. i dont want it to catch up with me or to be eaten alive by it. after all, its fear that gives men wings.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Burned Alive
it happened again. another nightmare. so vivid and violent, but so poetic. my dreams are starting to become more and more like poems. theyre starting to have a beginning, middle and end. they all have the same themes. death. pain. misery. suffering. are my dreams a consequence of years of watching horror movies? maybe. are my dreams caused by my fascination of violent and insane minds? probably. one thing i am sure of, my dreams would make some pretty kick ass movies.
each night before i go to sleep, i go through a ritual. i drink some coffee, read a few pages of the book im working on, listen to 30 minutes of music, and call it a night. thats when the fun begins. you see, each night my thoughts play a different style of russian roulette. instead of passing around a revolver with one loaded chamber, my brain plays with my dreams. sometimes i can go a week or more without a single dream, other times i have good dreams 3 times in 1 week. and then there are times like last night where my brain says "fuck you, your not sleeping tonight." once the ritual is done, i close my eyes and concentrate on sleeping. usually works too.
shortly after i fall asleep, the show starts. i was in a grocery store, getting some last minute food items. the place was complete chaos. people running, fighting, shouting everywhere. i had a shopping cart of groceries and water that i was able to salvage out of there. anarchy had taken over. on the tv that was in the store, the reports were coming in. a super storm the size of the city was making its way towards us in record speed. by the time i was making it out to my car, the storm had reached me. i run back inside, taking all my supplies with me. but while i was running back inside, i noticed a smell in the air, and the clouds were a different color. the sky was blanketed in crimson colored clouds. they were the color of a summer sunset. the next thing that happened made me realize how insanely terrible this nightmare could (and would) be.
i woke up around 1am and made sure i was still alive. the intensity of dreams sometimes gets channeled through your subconscious and into your body. that explains why people talk, sweat, or move during dreams. after a few minutes of regaining my grip on reality, i fall back asleep. my subconscious wasnt done with me yet. the dream picks back up where it left off. when i was running back inside the store, there was the faint but corrosive smell in the air that i noticed. it was raining gasoline.
i take refuge in a restroom, picking up a fire blanket that was on the floor. i know, convenient right? the fire storm was starting outside. i cover myself with the blanket and lie completely still in the corner of the restroom. the agonizing screams of pain and help surrounded me. i was alone in the restroom and under the blanket, but the screams felt like they were next to me. people were running back inside, but they were completely engulfed in flames. they set fire to everything inside. explosions from gas tanks and cars could be heard from the outside. hurricane force winds blew some of the gasoline rain into the store. people were running, screaming, crying, praying. the extreme heat could be felt underneath the fire blanket. at any moment i was expecting to burn too. after seconds of silence, the wind stopped. so did the screams.
i woke up again. it was 5:30am. i felt nauseous. no nightmare i have ever had has made me feel that way. it was that intense. by this point, i didnt want to go back to sleep. i knew that if i did, the dream wouldnt end. on the other hand, if i wanted it to go away, i had to face it through the end. i got nothing to lose, well, except sleep. after another 20 minute struggle, i pass out again.
just like i thought, it starts where i left off. i come out from under the blanket. there's no power in the store, but the flames inside led the way. the store was completely on fire. smoke blanketed the roof. i had to get out of there before i suffocated. to be quiet honest, i cant really describe what i saw inside. everything was burned, black, and covered in soot. only the silhouette of shelfs and registers remained. i make it out the store. what i see next was one of the worst things ive ever seen, real or fake.
i run out the store. when my eyes adjusted to the light, i felt my stomach drop, my knees shake and buckle, and an ache in my heart ive never felt. the sky cleared, but it had an orange/red color to it. cars were destroyed and charbroiled. buildings were blown to pieces. some of the light poles melted. in the distance i could still hear explosions go off. the first thing on my mind was that this was it. the day finally came. the end of days. hell was making its way to earth. the four horsemen would run rampant in our realm, slaying any survivors that were left. Death's angels would make its way soon to feed off the bodies and souls of the newly departed. they were hells cleanup crew. cheap but efficient.
the smell of burning hair and flesh was in the air. so this is what the holocaust must've been like. i assess the damage done: total annihilation. i walk across the parking lot to see if there were any survivors. none. just piece of flesh and bone left behind. at this point my nose feels like its on fire. the hairs inside felt completely burned away, almost as if they melted. the stench of the bodies, hair, and gasoline made me heave plenty of times, but nothing came out. my eyes are filled with tears. it was a mixture of both tears of sadness and the fumes still in the air. still walking across the lot, i asked myself why this all happened. what is some sort of purge? could it really be the end of days? how did it rain gasoline? i walk up to the main road and look down to see how far the fire affected the area. nothing survived. smoke was emanating from homes as far as i could see. there was no hope. there were no survivors.
i walk onto the middle of the road and begin to go towards the residential area. by this point hope and faith were long gone for me. i realized that i was alone. nothing or no one made it out. feeling tired and weak, i layed down in the middle of the road. i cried a few silent tears and went to sleep. ashes were raining down and covering me like snow. i went to sleep and never woke back up.
each night before i go to sleep, i go through a ritual. i drink some coffee, read a few pages of the book im working on, listen to 30 minutes of music, and call it a night. thats when the fun begins. you see, each night my thoughts play a different style of russian roulette. instead of passing around a revolver with one loaded chamber, my brain plays with my dreams. sometimes i can go a week or more without a single dream, other times i have good dreams 3 times in 1 week. and then there are times like last night where my brain says "fuck you, your not sleeping tonight." once the ritual is done, i close my eyes and concentrate on sleeping. usually works too.
shortly after i fall asleep, the show starts. i was in a grocery store, getting some last minute food items. the place was complete chaos. people running, fighting, shouting everywhere. i had a shopping cart of groceries and water that i was able to salvage out of there. anarchy had taken over. on the tv that was in the store, the reports were coming in. a super storm the size of the city was making its way towards us in record speed. by the time i was making it out to my car, the storm had reached me. i run back inside, taking all my supplies with me. but while i was running back inside, i noticed a smell in the air, and the clouds were a different color. the sky was blanketed in crimson colored clouds. they were the color of a summer sunset. the next thing that happened made me realize how insanely terrible this nightmare could (and would) be.
i woke up around 1am and made sure i was still alive. the intensity of dreams sometimes gets channeled through your subconscious and into your body. that explains why people talk, sweat, or move during dreams. after a few minutes of regaining my grip on reality, i fall back asleep. my subconscious wasnt done with me yet. the dream picks back up where it left off. when i was running back inside the store, there was the faint but corrosive smell in the air that i noticed. it was raining gasoline.
i take refuge in a restroom, picking up a fire blanket that was on the floor. i know, convenient right? the fire storm was starting outside. i cover myself with the blanket and lie completely still in the corner of the restroom. the agonizing screams of pain and help surrounded me. i was alone in the restroom and under the blanket, but the screams felt like they were next to me. people were running back inside, but they were completely engulfed in flames. they set fire to everything inside. explosions from gas tanks and cars could be heard from the outside. hurricane force winds blew some of the gasoline rain into the store. people were running, screaming, crying, praying. the extreme heat could be felt underneath the fire blanket. at any moment i was expecting to burn too. after seconds of silence, the wind stopped. so did the screams.
i woke up again. it was 5:30am. i felt nauseous. no nightmare i have ever had has made me feel that way. it was that intense. by this point, i didnt want to go back to sleep. i knew that if i did, the dream wouldnt end. on the other hand, if i wanted it to go away, i had to face it through the end. i got nothing to lose, well, except sleep. after another 20 minute struggle, i pass out again.
just like i thought, it starts where i left off. i come out from under the blanket. there's no power in the store, but the flames inside led the way. the store was completely on fire. smoke blanketed the roof. i had to get out of there before i suffocated. to be quiet honest, i cant really describe what i saw inside. everything was burned, black, and covered in soot. only the silhouette of shelfs and registers remained. i make it out the store. what i see next was one of the worst things ive ever seen, real or fake.
i run out the store. when my eyes adjusted to the light, i felt my stomach drop, my knees shake and buckle, and an ache in my heart ive never felt. the sky cleared, but it had an orange/red color to it. cars were destroyed and charbroiled. buildings were blown to pieces. some of the light poles melted. in the distance i could still hear explosions go off. the first thing on my mind was that this was it. the day finally came. the end of days. hell was making its way to earth. the four horsemen would run rampant in our realm, slaying any survivors that were left. Death's angels would make its way soon to feed off the bodies and souls of the newly departed. they were hells cleanup crew. cheap but efficient.
the smell of burning hair and flesh was in the air. so this is what the holocaust must've been like. i assess the damage done: total annihilation. i walk across the parking lot to see if there were any survivors. none. just piece of flesh and bone left behind. at this point my nose feels like its on fire. the hairs inside felt completely burned away, almost as if they melted. the stench of the bodies, hair, and gasoline made me heave plenty of times, but nothing came out. my eyes are filled with tears. it was a mixture of both tears of sadness and the fumes still in the air. still walking across the lot, i asked myself why this all happened. what is some sort of purge? could it really be the end of days? how did it rain gasoline? i walk up to the main road and look down to see how far the fire affected the area. nothing survived. smoke was emanating from homes as far as i could see. there was no hope. there were no survivors.
i walk onto the middle of the road and begin to go towards the residential area. by this point hope and faith were long gone for me. i realized that i was alone. nothing or no one made it out. feeling tired and weak, i layed down in the middle of the road. i cried a few silent tears and went to sleep. ashes were raining down and covering me like snow. i went to sleep and never woke back up.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Alina
The morning is so clear,
Your smile is my sun.
With your body here,
Our days have just begun
Everywhere I go,
I see your pretty face.
With you, time goes slow,
And my heart goes to a better place.
The taste of your lips,
They leave me wanting more.
With my arms around your hips,
Those memories I will adore.
With a soft and gentle hand,
You run it through my hair.
Our toes buried in the sand,
It's a feeling I can't compare.
Your stuck into my heart,
Your even in my dreams.
Even though we're far apart,
We're closer than it seems.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Cold Feet, Cold Hands
every once in awhile i get caught in a situation where i dont know what the fuck to do, it usually ends with a funny or awkward response from me. that situation showed its ugly face today.
i rarely go to starbucks. going to starbucks to "study" is my bullshit excuse to get out of the house and surf the net on free wifi and drink overpriced, diabetes filled coffee. anyway, i go in, get my coffee, and pull out my laptop, all while facing the entrance so i can see everyone that comes in. im paranoid like that. after a few minutes of wandering the internet, someone else comes in. now in my past experiences, whenever i see an attractive girl, i tend to not make eye contact and act like everything is normal; trying to play it cool. the thing is, my play-it-cool face is the same face i make when i dont want anyone to talk to me. i look fucking angry all the time. so i strike out on the im-interested-in-you face.
back to the story. she comes in, orders her coffee. as shes waiting, im trying to be discreet and catch a look at her. just as i look up from my laptop, i see that she looking at me. our eyes meet for a couple seconds and we both look away, a little polite smirk on our faces. the moment you get caught checking someone out. i guess i have a weakness for a pretty face. what caught me off guard was that after she gets her coffee, she proceeds to sit behind me. out of the whole fucking empty starbucks, she decides to sit behind me. if i was gonna talk to her, this was my chance.
as most of you know, im not actually one to start a conversation; to be quiet honest, it made me a little nervous she sat behind me. i felt like she was looking over my shoulder the whole time, not that i was looking at anything i shouldnt have. my brain goes into panic mode. im trying to think of something clever to say, because chicks like guys that say clever shit right? so now im over here with an attractive young lady sitting behind me, waiting for me to say something, and im just bullshitting in my head what to say. like most opportunities in my life, i did the worst thing possible. nothing. absolutely nothing. closing time came around and she gave me one last chance. she got up with all her things and pretended to throw away some trash. out of the corner of my eye i could see she was looking at me once more. again, we exchanged glances, but i said nothing.she walks out and im just sitting there. well, fuck.
now that im writing about it and reflecting on what i SHOULD have done, im noticing a pattern in myself. im not afraid of anyone or anything. im not afraid of death. but the ONE thing i am afraid of is failure and/or rejection. all my life ive been blessed with reaching my goals and having success in everything i want to do. the insecurity of knowing that rejection or failure is a possibility bothers me. and i know what most of you are thinking. life is about taking chances, and experiencing failure is part of life. to you it might be, but when your last 2 relationships end with a broken heart, especially since in my past situations i was so young, you cant help but be insecure about these things. i take relationships extremely serious. you're opening up to someone and letting them inside you, where your most vulnerable. maybe thats why i didnt say anything.
I have trust issues.
i rarely go to starbucks. going to starbucks to "study" is my bullshit excuse to get out of the house and surf the net on free wifi and drink overpriced, diabetes filled coffee. anyway, i go in, get my coffee, and pull out my laptop, all while facing the entrance so i can see everyone that comes in. im paranoid like that. after a few minutes of wandering the internet, someone else comes in. now in my past experiences, whenever i see an attractive girl, i tend to not make eye contact and act like everything is normal; trying to play it cool. the thing is, my play-it-cool face is the same face i make when i dont want anyone to talk to me. i look fucking angry all the time. so i strike out on the im-interested-in-you face.
back to the story. she comes in, orders her coffee. as shes waiting, im trying to be discreet and catch a look at her. just as i look up from my laptop, i see that she looking at me. our eyes meet for a couple seconds and we both look away, a little polite smirk on our faces. the moment you get caught checking someone out. i guess i have a weakness for a pretty face. what caught me off guard was that after she gets her coffee, she proceeds to sit behind me. out of the whole fucking empty starbucks, she decides to sit behind me. if i was gonna talk to her, this was my chance.
as most of you know, im not actually one to start a conversation; to be quiet honest, it made me a little nervous she sat behind me. i felt like she was looking over my shoulder the whole time, not that i was looking at anything i shouldnt have. my brain goes into panic mode. im trying to think of something clever to say, because chicks like guys that say clever shit right? so now im over here with an attractive young lady sitting behind me, waiting for me to say something, and im just bullshitting in my head what to say. like most opportunities in my life, i did the worst thing possible. nothing. absolutely nothing. closing time came around and she gave me one last chance. she got up with all her things and pretended to throw away some trash. out of the corner of my eye i could see she was looking at me once more. again, we exchanged glances, but i said nothing.she walks out and im just sitting there. well, fuck.
now that im writing about it and reflecting on what i SHOULD have done, im noticing a pattern in myself. im not afraid of anyone or anything. im not afraid of death. but the ONE thing i am afraid of is failure and/or rejection. all my life ive been blessed with reaching my goals and having success in everything i want to do. the insecurity of knowing that rejection or failure is a possibility bothers me. and i know what most of you are thinking. life is about taking chances, and experiencing failure is part of life. to you it might be, but when your last 2 relationships end with a broken heart, especially since in my past situations i was so young, you cant help but be insecure about these things. i take relationships extremely serious. you're opening up to someone and letting them inside you, where your most vulnerable. maybe thats why i didnt say anything.
I have trust issues.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
A Bit Closer To Heaven
it started out like the other dreams. you never remember the beginning, but the middle and end are what matter most anyway. i was in an unnamed city walking alone at night. it was winter time, snow was falling like confetti, the mix of light wind and ice peppered my face. all around, the buildings and skyscrapers intimidated me. i didnt know where i was going, but all i had in the pocket of my jacket was a lighter and a box of smokes. it was perfect smoking weather. i light one and take a long, deep drag. the nicotine hit my system like heroin in a junkie. i exhaled the stress.
the people on the streets paid no attention to me. even at this late hour of the night, the sidewalks were littered with characters. junkies, homeless, drug dealers, tourists, police, and your occasional prostitute. it felt like home. the inner city chaos was probably the reason i was there; i have a habit of observing people interact. i kept walking, leaving behind the crowd and taking a side street into an alley. the sounds of people and police sirens faded away. snow was now falling with higher intensity. by this time i was on my third cigarette, each pull i exhaled felt better than the last, so why stop now?
the alley felt like it went on forever. each step i took forward only made the exit move farther away. before i could notice, the blizzard began. i went into a full sprint towards the end. i still had a smoke in my mouth while i was running, but i noticed that it was completely frozen. i spit it out and keep going, dumpsters and aging walls turning into a blur. my face was going numb, but i could still feel the ice and snow cut my face like daggers. my fingers turned into icicles, my nose was frozen with thick ice, and my legs were getting heavier with every stride. i wanted to keep my pace but i fall. the exit out of the alley was about ten feet from where i was. crawling towards the end, it was no use. my legs were frozen solid, the ice making its way to my torso. i tried as hard as i could to make it up, but i failed. my lungs were freezing from the inside. my last gasp of air evaporated into nothing. i was within arms length of the exit but i prepared for the inevitable. i layed there like the outline of a murdered body. no pain, no agony. i died.
i dont know what this dream means. ive never had one when it happens in snow. some of the faces i do remember seeing but i dont know their names. the city felt familiar but it could be just my imagination. the dream was more terrifying than i could ever describe, its something that you have to experience. its something you should never experience.
The trick in my situation was that there was no trick, no matter what the movies tell you. No rules, no secret mantra, no road map. It wasn't about how smart or how good you were. It was chaos and luck, and anyone who thought different was a fool. All you could do was to hang on madly, as long and hard as you could.
the people on the streets paid no attention to me. even at this late hour of the night, the sidewalks were littered with characters. junkies, homeless, drug dealers, tourists, police, and your occasional prostitute. it felt like home. the inner city chaos was probably the reason i was there; i have a habit of observing people interact. i kept walking, leaving behind the crowd and taking a side street into an alley. the sounds of people and police sirens faded away. snow was now falling with higher intensity. by this time i was on my third cigarette, each pull i exhaled felt better than the last, so why stop now?
the alley felt like it went on forever. each step i took forward only made the exit move farther away. before i could notice, the blizzard began. i went into a full sprint towards the end. i still had a smoke in my mouth while i was running, but i noticed that it was completely frozen. i spit it out and keep going, dumpsters and aging walls turning into a blur. my face was going numb, but i could still feel the ice and snow cut my face like daggers. my fingers turned into icicles, my nose was frozen with thick ice, and my legs were getting heavier with every stride. i wanted to keep my pace but i fall. the exit out of the alley was about ten feet from where i was. crawling towards the end, it was no use. my legs were frozen solid, the ice making its way to my torso. i tried as hard as i could to make it up, but i failed. my lungs were freezing from the inside. my last gasp of air evaporated into nothing. i was within arms length of the exit but i prepared for the inevitable. i layed there like the outline of a murdered body. no pain, no agony. i died.
i dont know what this dream means. ive never had one when it happens in snow. some of the faces i do remember seeing but i dont know their names. the city felt familiar but it could be just my imagination. the dream was more terrifying than i could ever describe, its something that you have to experience. its something you should never experience.
The trick in my situation was that there was no trick, no matter what the movies tell you. No rules, no secret mantra, no road map. It wasn't about how smart or how good you were. It was chaos and luck, and anyone who thought different was a fool. All you could do was to hang on madly, as long and hard as you could.
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