every once in awhile i get caught in a situation where i dont know what the fuck to do, it usually ends with a funny or awkward response from me. that situation showed its ugly face today.
i rarely go to starbucks. going to starbucks to "study" is my bullshit excuse to get out of the house and surf the net on free wifi and drink overpriced, diabetes filled coffee. anyway, i go in, get my coffee, and pull out my laptop, all while facing the entrance so i can see everyone that comes in. im paranoid like that. after a few minutes of wandering the internet, someone else comes in. now in my past experiences, whenever i see an attractive girl, i tend to not make eye contact and act like everything is normal; trying to play it cool. the thing is, my play-it-cool face is the same face i make when i dont want anyone to talk to me. i look fucking angry all the time. so i strike out on the im-interested-in-you face.
back to the story. she comes in, orders her coffee. as shes waiting, im trying to be discreet and catch a look at her. just as i look up from my laptop, i see that she looking at me. our eyes meet for a couple seconds and we both look away, a little polite smirk on our faces. the moment you get caught checking someone out. i guess i have a weakness for a pretty face. what caught me off guard was that after she gets her coffee, she proceeds to sit behind me. out of the whole fucking empty starbucks, she decides to sit behind me. if i was gonna talk to her, this was my chance.
as most of you know, im not actually one to start a conversation; to be quiet honest, it made me a little nervous she sat behind me. i felt like she was looking over my shoulder the whole time, not that i was looking at anything i shouldnt have. my brain goes into panic mode. im trying to think of something clever to say, because chicks like guys that say clever shit right? so now im over here with an attractive young lady sitting behind me, waiting for me to say something, and im just bullshitting in my head what to say. like most opportunities in my life, i did the worst thing possible. nothing. absolutely nothing. closing time came around and she gave me one last chance. she got up with all her things and pretended to throw away some trash. out of the corner of my eye i could see she was looking at me once more. again, we exchanged glances, but i said nothing.she walks out and im just sitting there. well, fuck.
now that im writing about it and reflecting on what i SHOULD have done, im noticing a pattern in myself. im not afraid of anyone or anything. im not afraid of death. but the ONE thing i am afraid of is failure and/or rejection. all my life ive been blessed with reaching my goals and having success in everything i want to do. the insecurity of knowing that rejection or failure is a possibility bothers me. and i know what most of you are thinking. life is about taking chances, and experiencing failure is part of life. to you it might be, but when your last 2 relationships end with a broken heart, especially since in my past situations i was so young, you cant help but be insecure about these things. i take relationships extremely serious. you're opening up to someone and letting them inside you, where your most vulnerable. maybe thats why i didnt say anything.
I have trust issues.
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