Down On Main Street

damn i feel good. and im sorry i havent written anything this past week. i started to feel forced to write daily, so i took a friends advice and decided to take a break. its been a great decision. im getting back into my workout routine and im feeling stronger. hopefully i can reach 147lbs again.

but something thats stayed in my mind are the people that i talk to. apparently a few people read the post Fade To Black, and they never talked to me again. but im ok with that, because i spoke my mind and i didnt put anybody on blast or none of that shit. i couldve easily told them to fuck off, but i decided to be my usual self and get straight to the point in the best way i know how: writing. it doesnt hurt that they dont talk to me. on the contrary, theyve made my life easier to deal with. i dont feel drowned anymore. and if any of my friends are reading this, know that i'll be here for you whenever your ready to accept your own mistakes.

i finally did something i havent done since last summer. i went walking downtown. i absolutely love walking around downtown. it may not be as busy and full as Los Angeles, but for those 2 hours that i walk around, i feel like im home again. i start off by the police station and make my way to main street. after i pass by main street, i walk around at the downtown mall and then head over to the historic district on the other side of the city by city hall. from there i make my way to jones plaza and into buffalo bayou. i know you guys probably dont know what the fuck im talking about, but if you walk with me youll know exactly where im going. the bayou is lonely and peaceful, with a touch of dull nightlife. its the perfect place to sit and meditate.

i know what you guys are thinking, that its fucking dangerous. yes, it is EXTREMLY dangerous to even go downtown, let alone walk around by yourself, because there are alot of homeless people. but i am genuinely not afraid. the city knows when i arrive and takes care of me when im not looking. the buildings and skyline inspire me with new goals. and every once i awhile i do look over my shoulder, but only as a precaution. its honestly not that bad once you go. i really wish i had someone to go with. i went once with a friend a long time ago. ill always remember how much fun we had just walking around and me showing her the different chill spots of downtown. good times.

i dont know what it is about downtown, but i do know for certain that its a place where the mind can breathe and the soul express itself. im curious to know from everyone who reads my blog, where do you go or what do you do when you just need time to yourself? do you read book, go out for a jog, drive around? i really want to know, im always open to new ideas.

next time your in need of some time alone, head downtown. who knows, you might see me on a Friday night walking down on Main Street.


 

Out Over Time

questions in my head,
is there someone i can ask?
finding that right person,
can prove a difficult task.

loyalty and friendship.
something we just cant live without.
but if people just use you,
wouldnt you put your friendship in doubt?

you see this is what happened,
i hope you have the time.
i felt used by my friends,
and they should be punished for their crime.

i got your back, dont worry
i heard that everyday.
but they were lying to my face,
with the promises they say.

im a loser and a nobody,
 my self esteem is shit.
i was just another soul
in their inner snake pit.

if you see me now,
i apologize in advance.
i may release my inner jerk.
but please just give me a chance.

but i got the last laugh,
im accomplishing my goals.
i dont ever worry about money,
unlike the girls on stripper poles.

i have a question for you now
in conclusion to my rhyme.
who are your real friends?
i guess we'll find out over time.

this shit was lame. i just wanted to write something. im totally over this friend bullshit, but its an easy subject for me to write about.

Pictures of You

holy shit. i need to start writing again. im fucking slacking and i have so much to say. where the fuck do i start? last time i wrote something i put the whole Real Madrid team on blast for such a shitty performance. i honestly couldve played fifa 12 better than they played, and i suck at fifa 12. anyways, they play the day after tomorrow. they're my team and i love my club, win or lose, so i HOPE they play a more attack oriented game. Di Maria is still injured, which makes me sad because he's my new favorite player. cristiano ronaldo is starting to get on my nerves. he's becoming like the kardashians now. the more i hear about him the more i dislike/hate him. just shut up and play you big pussy. anyway this isnt a soccer blog so ill move on into more irrelevant bullshit.

so friday my bro and i took a trip to our local movie theater to see Haywire. im just gonna be honest, i did NOT have high expectations for that movie.in reality, i spent 20 bucks on tickets and 10 on snacks just so i can watch gina carano beat the shit out of grown ass men. ill admit it. so what?! dont fucking judge me. i know alot of girls that go watch big shitty movies just because bradley cooper or some good looking fuck was in it. and ladies reading this, dont fucking deny it. and then you drag us guys with you so we can pay for your ticket while you sit there fantasizing about some guys abs. example: twilight. i dont even have to say anything more. end of story. ill admit i did fantasize about gina carano wrapping those firm legs around me and putting me in a triangle choke. im pretty sure i wasnt the only guy there thinking the same thing. and i think im getting a little too descriptive there. i really wouldnt mind taking an ass beating from her or michelle rodriguez. i always had a thing for athletic and tomboyish girls. they seem to be the more down to earth ones.

ive been fucking sick since friday. last night i had a fever that felt like i was cooking in the devils stove. i think the worst is over but i still feel like shit. what a way to start out 2012 huh? oh well, im still alive and breathing, and that more than enough for me. music music music music. another good movie i highly recommend for all you little indie rockers like myself, nick and norah's infinite playlist. its a love story that i wish happened more often. im not going to spoil it, but basically its about breaking up with someone unappreciative and finding love in another person through a common interest, which in this case is music. its pretty funny too. check it out.

well its that time of year again, its almost february. and you know what that means: valentines day. i was never a fan of this day. me personally, i tried to make everyday valentines day. i never thought it should be one specific day out of the year. i always tried to make that special someone feel loved everyday. and crazy fact that i just now noticed. i have been single on valentines day my whole life. wow. just....wow. i shocked myself there for a bit.........damn. let me go marinate on that. im feeling kinda depressed now. looks like im gonna be listening to The Cure tonight while looking at Pictures of You.

       

Its 11am Somewhere

well fuck my life. Real Madrid lost, AGAIN! if your not a soccer fan, then you can skip this whole top portion of my blog, because im about to go into full rant mode. first off, mourinho fucked it up already with the line up. why the hell did you start coentrao over marcelo? are you fucking serious? coentrao is a fucking sub and is nowhere near marcelo's playing level. why did he start ricardo carvahlo?! why did we even buy him in the first place? he's fucking old (he's 32 i think) and just came off being inactive for about 2 months. and you fucking start him against barcelona?! stupid ass decision, it was obvious he was out of shape. and what about hamit altintop? he got done up by iniesta a shitload of times and his ass is old too. albiol or even granero shouldve started. sergio ramos was lost the whole game, higuain touched the ball like 3 times when he was on the field, and fucking cristiano ronaldo. every important game he fucking chokes. he's like the lebron james of soccer. first half he did good. then what the fuck happened second half?! i forgot his ass was even playing. and finally Pepe. fucking Pepe. that dude dishonors the shirt he wears and represents. that was a cheap ass move when he stepped on messi's hand. that shit is so low and unproffesional. you would think players at that level would show a little self control, but no that ugly mother fucker. i would sell his as fast as i could. another stupid ass mourinho tactic: why the hell did he put Pepe in midfield?! thats what pissed me off the most. he's fucking garbage at midfield. and then mourinho has the balls to put in ozil and callejon in the last 20 minutes with a defensive-minded Madrid side. i dont like him anymore. he's a fucking chump. just because he won the treble with Inter Milan he thinks he's big shit. go back to fucking Portugal dumbass. its games like todays that make want to be a coach because i know i have what it takes to lead my team to victory.

ok, i got that out of the way. now that im talking about Madrid, ive been having multiple dreams about living there. the dreams are so detailed and vivid, it feels like im actually there. the cold breeze, the people hanging out, everything felt so real. i told my mom about it, and she says it may be a sign of the future from god. i felt like i had to tell her because my family was with me in the dream. we lived there. i felt like the happiest kid in the world. i hope this is a look into my near future, because i fucking miss that place. its like los angeles without everyone trying to sell you shit or rob you.

in my dream, i moved to a nice apartment overlooking the main street and real madrid stadium, the santiago bernabeu. i lived carefree, not giving a fuck about money or stress from work. what i loved most was my family being there with and enjoy every moment with them. ive become obsessed with spain. i always want to go back. its like the new california for me, except its in europe. none of you give a shit what im writing about so ill finish off with this: i wake up in the city i love, not caring about yesterdays news. i had a good nights sleep, i slept for about 5 hours. still tired, i yawn away last nights sleep and  look at my phone. the local time is 11am. im late for my appointment with streets of Madrid. its 11am somewhere.

my new home:

God's Son

God has a weird way of talking to you. he's always been there when i needed him the most. he's never left my side. even when i was drowning in the dark abyss of my tortured soul, he helped put out the fire inside and nursed me back to health. ive never had an actual true relationship with god before. in the past ive accepted him yes, but i never really lived the lifestyle of a true believer. that is up until this point, the last 2 weeks i havent written anything. zero. nothing. i was on the verge of suffering a nervous breakdown. but through the grace of god and all his glory, he sent my friends to come help me out.

ive received some words of encouragement from some of my closest friends, and some not so near. its weird to think that you can be going through something so horrible and rough in your head, and then you see something or hear something that you can relate to in public. what i mean is for example, you can be going through a rough time with your family. then later that day or week, someone speaks to you or see and hear about how family should always be together. stuff like that. it gets placed at the right moment and at the right time in your life that you just cant help but wonder if someone planted that event there is trying to say something to you. it always happens.

im starting to learn on my own again the knowledge that the bible has. take the time to read a a random passage everyday and try to find something in your life that you can compare it to. you'll be surprised how many things you can relate to. and dont be afraid to say you are a true believer in god. i dont want to live a meaningless life where my greatest goal was to just move out the house. i appreciate Him because he's done so much for me in my life. new job, money, vacations, knowledge, health, all that i have now.  without the lord im just another brick in the wall.

people always made fun of me because i never followed in their footsteps. i was never part of the "in" crowd or anything like that. i look at them now and the decisions they made, and i always hear the same excuse. i was young, i didnt know what i was doing. now they're paying for their mistakes, some of them life changing. i never got into drugs. ive never tried them. i dont drink. i dont party. im not your typical post-pubescent male. and im proud to say that ive abstained from sex my whole life so far. i always thought sex was something for 2 people who are truly in love, because those were god's intentions. its turned into nothing more than a problematic, hormonal instinct that most males feel turns them into men. i never viewed it like that.

ive always had self control. i think that's the greatest gift ive ever received. its one of my most notable characteristics as well. there have been plenty of times ive been lured into temptation. and so far, not once have i given in. i try to live my life with standards and morals, honor and respect. so far its worked for me well. asides from wanting to make my parents proud. i want to make god proud.

for all the people that read this post, i want you to watch the video below as he basically explains the same, EXACT view on sex that i have. if you didnt like tonights post, im sorry, and i dont care. i didnt write this blog tonight to entertain, i wrote to inform. everyone should find peace in their heart and mind once they let him in. so far its working for me. you have nothing to lose, but everything to gain. and i wish one day i can meet the guy in the video below. i would love to write a poem or an actual song with him one day. at the end of the day, i feel like im finally back track to my final destination: salvation.    

You're Da Man

shit, i feel better. im still not 100% mentally, but im getting there. honestly if it wasnt for some badass friends and some much needed words of encouragement, i dont know what the fuck i would be doing. my ipod has been my best friend throughout this whole ordeal. im a firm believer that there is a song for every situation in life, because im always quoting some shit. ive really been into some old school hip hop the last few days. it seems the people with the most fucked up lives often turn into successful lyricist that speak the truth. Nasir Jones AKA Nas. that dude is tied for first as my favorite rapper, right next to Tupac. he's not a bitch ass sellout, his stories are real and down to earth, and he can fucking rap backwards. there's a paticular song i like of his called You're Da Man. check it out. this line always caught my attention:

"I saw dead birds flying through a broken sky"

Dedication

my mind is out of the gutter. i can do anything i want. never giving up, no matter what the odds. the mentality of a winner, with the heart of champion. that's who i am.

Dedication. being the first one there, and the last one to leave.

Fade To Black

first off, im sorry to all my fans (i hope i dont have any, because i feel like i have let you all down)that read my blog. the reason i havent written anything in over a week is what im going to talk about tonight. i had to take some time off for myself. the last few weeks ive been trying to separate fantasy from reality. on top of that ive been in deep thought about who my "true" friends are. i know that ive gone over the friendship bullshit a million times, but this time i going down to a more personal level, to what i feel about it.

i feel so lost right now. and i know people want to say, so i'll let you all say it. by IT, i mean i told you so. i fucking cracked. it was going to happen one day. i thought i could live a life to just sticking to myself and not letting anyone into my heart. i cant take it anymore. my morale, self esteem, and self confidence are at an all time low. i didnt even know it could go any lower, but it fucking has. every single fucking day feels like a drag. i dont find meaning into anything i do anymore. i dont have the drive to continue on with my goals. im slowly deteriorating into shit. no one ever fucking listens. i dont even get angry anymore. every day seems just like the day before like a perpetual cycle of deja vu. the whole reason i think i feel this way is probably due to the cause that im such a fucking asshole. i straight up do not like anyone and i make it obvious. im losing more and more of my self control as each hour, each minute, each SECOND passes by. slowly im turning the self control god blessed me with into hate and self loathing. my emotions are consuming me and taking control. im like a nuclear bomb ready to explode with the slightest push, and im taking everyone with me.

i had another nightmare the other night. i was on top of a skyscraper, i think in Los Angeles. i had climbed up to the roof looking for something. the door behind locked by itself as soon as i let it go. it was a sunny day as usual. out of nowhere, a gust of heavy wind picks up. i lose my footing and i roll to the edge of the building. i try to hug the floor as much as i can, but its no use. i fall. they say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. fucking bullshit. while i was falling, my mind raced with thoughts about the regrets in my life. as soon as my face hits the concrete, i gasp for air and i wake up. i feel my face with my hands and it hurts, but im ok. another nightmare. i guess its better than drowning right?

im mentally fatigued. i dont think ive ever met anyone that can be as good a listener as i am. im not just saying that to be cocky, but im genuinely interested in everything people want to tell me. but this guy has just reached his limit. i always push my limits to the extreme, but now ive gone too far. ask anyone i know. i love having conversations with everyone, i never want to leave anyone out. no more for me now.

and before i forget, fuck all of you who only call me when you need something or you want me to listen to you. im sick and tired of you giving me all your little sob stories. suck it up. life goes on and i dont have time to sympathize with you. and stop fucking bringing up the same problems over and over again. obviously your stupid ass needs help. i give you advice and you never fucking take it. no one ever listens to me and i always end up saying i told you so. i only help those who want to help themselves. so take my advice and go look for some other depressed fuck to listen to you bitch and complain about how hard your life is. ive had enough. and one MORE thing, im fucking FED UP with having to be the first one to talk or text everybody. what the fuck is so hard about saying hi or how are you every once in awhile? it takes 5 seconds to send a text. i really do care. alot. but how can i show it if you only talk when you need me. im not a fucking counselor or psychiatrist. i should be charging your ass $100 an hour then.

i really needed to say all that. every single word of it. i hope all of you can take notes from what i just wrote, and be exactly the opposite of what i am. im not embarrassed by who i am. i just feel pathetic that i have to explain myself to the world. and to all my true friends and whoever is reading this, some words of encouragement would be nice right about now, because god knows how much i need it.

 

   

Struggle Within

you feel a cold breeze,
you turn and im gone.
go on as you please,
but to you i am drawn.

i have no name.
but you know me very well.
ive gained some fame,
with those whose soul they sell.

i know how you feel,
i can take away the pain.
ill make you a deal,
but you'll never be the same.

give in to me,
and you'll be a new man.
the results you will see,
if you stick to my plan.

have you figured it out?
who am i to you?
because without a doubt,
the rumors you heard are true.

think of what i said.
you have everything to win.
Existing in your head,
I am the struggle within.

this was ridiculously easy to write tonight. and it scares me a little. i can never write about good shit and good influences easily. but when it comes to fucked up stuff and and my inner demons, im all over that shit. ive been on a Metallica high for the last 2 weeks. im getting back into my metal roots and keeping the spirit alive. they actually do have a song called The Struggle Within, i highly recommend it as well. very fast and very heavy. i got the title idea from that song, and with the help from my past experiences and the man downstairs, i was able to come up with this temptation-resisting-satanic bullshit.  
this poem is about the mental struggles we all face in an attempt to keep our sanity and control in our lives. ive found myself plenty of times negotiating my soul to the devil, but morality, beliefs and god helped me get through my demon days. the constant mental wars in our heads have no end, and our will and judgement get put through rigorous tests each day.

look, i know im just going on and on about shit that you already know. I know that. im not your mom. im not your dad. im not some creepy ass priest that touches little boys. im none of that. but obviously its something important if people keep repeating it over and over again. shut the fuck up and listen for once. we young adults have this thing going on where we think we know more that grown ass parents. it doesnt work like that. listen to what others are saying. if multiple people are giving you the same answer, then no shit they must right. and another thing, dont ever ask for my opinion and then not like my answer. it makes you look like a one dimensional dumb fuck. the moral of the story is kids, if you play with fire, your bound to get burned. now if you excuse i need some ice for my thumb. i burned the shit out of it popping fireworks for new years.