first off, im sorry to all my fans (i hope i dont have any, because i feel like i have let you all down)that read my blog. the reason i havent written anything in over a week is what im going to talk about tonight. i had to take some time off for myself. the last few weeks ive been trying to separate fantasy from reality. on top of that ive been in deep thought about who my "true" friends are. i know that ive gone over the friendship bullshit a million times, but this time i going down to a more personal level, to what i feel about it.
i feel so lost right now. and i know people want to say, so i'll let you all say it. by IT, i mean i told you so. i fucking cracked. it was going to happen one day. i thought i could live a life to just sticking to myself and not letting anyone into my heart. i cant take it anymore. my morale, self esteem, and self confidence are at an all time low. i didnt even know it could go any lower, but it fucking has. every single fucking day feels like a drag. i dont find meaning into anything i do anymore. i dont have the drive to continue on with my goals. im slowly deteriorating into shit. no one ever fucking listens. i dont even get angry anymore. every day seems just like the day before like a perpetual cycle of deja vu. the whole reason i think i feel this way is probably due to the cause that im such a fucking asshole. i straight up do not like anyone and i make it obvious. im losing more and more of my self control as each hour, each minute, each SECOND passes by. slowly im turning the self control god blessed me with into hate and self loathing. my emotions are consuming me and taking control. im like a nuclear bomb ready to explode with the slightest push, and im taking everyone with me.
i had another nightmare the other night. i was on top of a skyscraper, i think in Los Angeles. i had climbed up to the roof looking for something. the door behind locked by itself as soon as i let it go. it was a sunny day as usual. out of nowhere, a gust of heavy wind picks up. i lose my footing and i roll to the edge of the building. i try to hug the floor as much as i can, but its no use. i fall. they say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. fucking bullshit. while i was falling, my mind raced with thoughts about the regrets in my life. as soon as my face hits the concrete, i gasp for air and i wake up. i feel my face with my hands and it hurts, but im ok. another nightmare. i guess its better than drowning right?
im mentally fatigued. i dont think ive ever met anyone that can be as good a listener as i am. im not just saying that to be cocky, but im genuinely interested in everything people want to tell me. but this guy has just reached his limit. i always push my limits to the extreme, but now ive gone too far. ask anyone i know. i love having conversations with everyone, i never want to leave anyone out. no more for me now.
and before i forget, fuck all of you who only call me when you need something or you want me to listen to you. im sick and tired of you giving me all your little sob stories. suck it up. life goes on and i dont have time to sympathize with you. and stop fucking bringing up the same problems over and over again. obviously your stupid ass needs help. i give you advice and you never fucking take it. no one ever listens to me and i always end up saying i told you so. i only help those who want to help themselves. so take my advice and go look for some other depressed fuck to listen to you bitch and complain about how hard your life is. ive had enough. and one MORE thing, im fucking FED UP with having to be the first one to talk or text everybody. what the fuck is so hard about saying hi or how are you every once in awhile? it takes 5 seconds to send a text. i really do care. alot. but how can i show it if you only talk when you need me. im not a fucking counselor or psychiatrist. i should be charging your ass $100 an hour then.
i really needed to say all that. every single word of it. i hope all of you can take notes from what i just wrote, and be exactly the opposite of what i am. im not embarrassed by who i am. i just feel pathetic that i have to explain myself to the world. and to all my true friends and whoever is reading this, some words of encouragement would be nice right about now, because god knows how much i need it.
Jeff I didn't know you had a blog!! I have one too! Anyhow let me be quite frank with you. I've known you for a very long time, and ever since I can remember you were never really a positive person. You've always had a hard time even accepting a compliment. About your attitude, Yes sometimes you would snap at people for no reason. I remember asking you once why you were such a negative person and you were hung up on your ex gf or love interest
ReplyDelete(dont remember which one). You closed off the real you, you let her destroy you inner self. Jeff, I know you can be a happy person. I think what your problem is, is that you don't let yourself be happy, you consume yourself in your own misery. You let your inner demons defeat you. You need to overcome those issues and be a better person to be able to start living your life. Have fun don't take everything too seriously. If people aren't there for you, I mean what you gonna do! Don't let those things get to you. Move on and in time those people will realize what you did for them. Try not to be negative Jeff, and when something is not there it's not there, Don't let something happen let it happen. I wish you the best and I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you don't get this the wrong way but open your eyes and see more past the next step!