Biutiful

You need to see this movie. raw, human, emotional acting at its best. more movies like this need to come out.

FYI: this movie is NOT for emotional people.

First Date

break away from the crowd,
wave off all the lies.
tonight will be different,
full of endless surprise.

im not like the rest,
thank you for your trust.
unique for my time,
not driven by lust.

your calm and caressing,
like the rare summer breeze.
a new feeling inside,
getting weak at the knees.

the night fully lit,
we sneak into the pool.
the heart you had last,
tainted by a fool.

losing train of thought,
going in for the kill.
our lips meet for a moment,
a rush of the thrill.

staring at each other,
your heart beating fast,
a story in the making,
with a happy ending at last.

i actually wrote two poems in one day. can you say, productive? i didnt do shit at work except get fucking depressed listening to Deftones, i had to write something. man, this shit sucks, and by shit i mean loneliness. but i guess thats what helps me pick out everything i want to say. ive been wondering these last few days about alot of things, but mostly about my writing. i guess being the hopeless romantic is part of my persona now, because as much i want to disconnect from that, the more im drawn back to it. i dont have shit else to talk about. i do surprise myself with the things that i write sometimes, mainly because it expresses things so clearly and vividly in a way that i could never interpret to speech, much less tell the person its directed to face to face.

 as much as i deny writing about someone in specific, that's total bullshit. all the post i write about are inspired by someone who i had a place in myself for. its impossible for me to write about something thats nonexistent. so behind each post there is a girl who inspired me to write it. of course im never going to say who its about, but if they ever read it, they'll immediately know it was for them. its that obvious, but only to the right person. still though, i wish i could write something happy for once, without all the melancholic bullshit. but i guess thats my style. hopeless romanitc.  


please give the music i post on my blogs a chance. everyone has their own opinion on music tastes, and im ok with that, just dont knock my music if you havent even heard it yet. this is the song i heard all day today. enjoy.

Absolute High

lean against the edge
the highest that ive been.
the adrenaline kicks in,
the high my only sin.

a junkie like no other,
near death my only drug.
live fast, die young my motto,
the satisfaction leaves me smug.

drowning in an ice bath,
i lose the sense to feel.
suffocate under the pressure,
take the worst that it can deal.

sharpen up the knives,
hack up your wrist and vein.
get bored after awhile,
because it doesnt feel the same.

depression and self-loathing,
the formula for death.
in the final execution,
hold on to that last breath.

jump out the airplane,
where the high is absolute,
its time to land when you realize,
you forgot your parachute.


An adrenaline junkie so strung out he makes a fatal mistake just to get his fix. and before anyone asks, no i am not suicidal nor do i cut my arms or do any crazy shit of the sort. i am extremely quiet and reserved. i just have a ridiculously fucked up imagination. common sense people.  

Around The Fur

its fuck this shit friday. i work tomorrow, im angry at everyone, and im fucking worn out. with that being said, who's down to fuck shit up?

ive had dreams of concerts like this. lets get on stage and yell our lungs out.

Body Ink

now that im getting closer and closer to living on my own, ive decided that the best way for me to celebrate, is with a tattoo. it wont just be any other tattoo though. its going to be my own, mainly because my sister is actually the one who drew it out for me. its going to be a band going around my right elbow. i think its going to look bad ass. my sister incorporated my initials, a soccer player, and the four elements into a tribal looking tattoo. i was so impressed when i saw it that im thinking about paying her for it. its that good. one of the things i want most is for all my brothers and her to have matching tattoos, kind of like a family thing. that would be really cool. it also gives me something to remember my sister by. i never had a good relationship with her, and now that my days are numbered, i regret not letting her into my life. she may never read this, but im sorry sis. i love you with all my heart.  this tattoo will always share a special place for you on me.



This isnt the tattoo i will get. its just an example of what i want. but its definitely something i may want in the future.  

and where did i get this tattoo idea from? the one and only Cesc Fabregas.

Blue Eyes

a lasting impression,
imprinted on to me.
to the the point of obsession,
i ask "who is she"?

was it time or just fate,
that brought us there together?
for her i would wait,
and wish the moment last forever.

it was only a glance,
but it was more than enough.
to make me want to advance,
but in public its too tough.

our eyes happen to meet,
as you pass right along.
you smiled in the heat,
like if nothing is wrong.

and as simple as that,
the next minute you disappear.
i trip on the floor mat,
hoping to see you this year.

i left without a frown,
your smile was my prize. 
but its easy to drown,
in your deep blue eyes.

story behind this poem: i went to the mall yesterday. im walking in alone and i see this family of four leaving. in front is the mom and dad, and right behind are the two daughters. the older daughter was carrying the little one. when we passed each other, i met eyes with the older one. i  am not exaggerating when i say this, she had to have had the most beautiful blue eyes i have ever seen in my life. i felt like a total retard just staring at her, and she looked right back. when i finally came to my senses, i fucking hit the entrance door with my shoulder. i know she heard that loud ass hit, but at that point i didnt care. her eyes made such an impression on me i had to write something. they were so soft, bright, and innocent. and they stood out more because she was very light skinned and blonde. but she wasnt white.

 without a doubt in my mind, i knew she was either brazilian or south american. i could tell because she looked almost EXACTLY like the brazilian friend i had in high school, the one i wrote the Gray Eyes post about. there was inspiration in my veins today, and alot of caffeine. i hope i can keep my writing streak up.

2am

its 2am on a friday night. im laying in my bed with the fan on full blast and the a/c hitting my bed. again, my insomnia isnt letting me sleep, which i actually dont mind. im off this whole weekend, so its ok. music of choice tonight? deftones. what better way to start off my shitty weekend than with some mellow and depressing music from Sactown's greatest band.

my room starts to get cold, i like it. as weird as it sounds, the cold makes me feel the music more. it heightens my emotional senses,but i want something more. i wish i had someone else to listen to music with, just like in the movies. i know it wont happen, but you cant blame a guy for wishing right? those late nights are times i really feel alone, because when the rest of the world is sleeping, in my head im drowning in the deep end of the pool with cinder blocks tied to my legs. i just cant sleep.

some company isnt going to hurt, and its always welcomed. especially at 2am.

Time Wasting

i need a new hobby. i like reading and i love writing, but i need something to do that involves me getting my ass out of the house. any ideas? im trying to recover from a calf problem ive been having for the last 2 months and i have to give it time to heal. i think i need to see a doctor too...anyway. looking back at the things i wanted to do as a little kid, i still have the same interest as i did back in the day, and i would love to do any extreme sport. the more dangerous it was, the more i wanted to do it. all i ever wanted was to be unique in what i did, and also because i wanted to be the cool kid in school.

 i remember watching my first Xgames on tv back when tony hawk was the best skateboarder around, and matt hoffman was already a BMX legend. good times. and i wish i could take up surfing again, but the beaches here are shit. oh well, we'll see what i come up with. motorcycles are a big passion of mine as well, so who knows, maybe ill go around the city running away from cops for fun?

A veces

a veces me encuentro,
perdido en lo mismo.
buscando el camino,
a un nuevo paraiso.

de ida y vuelta,
ya no hay mas opciones.
tomando en cuenta,
todas opiniones.

regalarte mi tiempo,
sin dejar muchas dudas,
a besarte una ultima vez,
con labios desnudas.

cerca o lejos,
pero indescutible la razon,
me marcho de casa,
en mil pedasos el corazon.

amanesiendo a tu lado,
respirando tu calor.
lo siento que no pude,
darte mucho mas amor. 

te dejo esta carta,
piensa en mi sin rencor.
no quise hacer esto,
pero para mi es mucho peor.



i wish it rained everyday. productive day, once again. it feels good going to sleep and reading what youve written. it gives you a sense of accomplishment. at the same time it shows me that i still have emotions and a conscience that wont fucking let me sleep at night because i want to spill out everything that i have bottled up.  my brain is like a waterfall of ideas and thoughts. and with each post i write, my sense of expression becomes more and more of what i want it to be. i think clearer. i feel smarter. i feel relief.

 If i keep writing like this, in english or in spanish, i might seriously send some of my work to a record company. i mean why not? i love music. i love it so much im willing to put a price on it, just as long as the work comes from my heart. so why not make money off of something i love to do right? its like the saying goes: as long as you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life.  



i always thought live performances are what made an artist good or not. if you put your heart and soul into your music, and sing your ass off, you can get 25,000+  women to sing your own song to you. that's the coolest thing for a musician, the crowd singing along with you.

my favorite verse in this song:

"Pero, si mi boca se equivoca
Pero, si mi boca se equivoca
Y al llamarla nombro a otra
A veces siente compasión por este loco, ciego y loco corazón"

Amarte En Otro Idioma

No te puedo decir,
cuanto importas a mi.
nada mas pude pedir,
yo todo hago por ti.

corro a tu casa,
a ver tu sonrisa bella.
con cada dia que pasa,
me iluminas como una estrella.

tu respuesta aceptada,
en nuestra adolecencia.
le doy gracias a la vida,
por tenerte en existencia.

con tu calor a mi lado,
acariciando tu piel.
no me dejes abandonado,
contigo no puedo ser infiel.

quiero vivir este momento,
para el resto de la eternidad.
mi corazon te lo dejo abierto,
yo si te digo la verdad.

mi amor para ti,
nunca sera una broma.
pero lo mejor para mi,
seria amarte en otro idioma.

first off, if you dont understand it, google translate the shit out of this. im seeing alot of progress in my work. and i am just as surprised as all of you are. i havent written in spanish since i was a senior in high school. damn, this came out pretty good. yes i know my grammar isnt the best but all of you get the idea. i am extremly content with myself. i didnt know i had it in me. i let my inner alejandro sanz out. obviously, ive been listening to alot of his music recently. and today couldnt have been a more perfect day to write. its dark, gray, and cloudy with alot of heavy rain. how could i not be inspired? every night, i listen to alot of love songs before i go to bed. its good music to fall asleep and dream to.

 for a long time, ive been ducking music in spanish. i dont think there is a language out there that better expresses how one feels, there are a multitude of ways to say one thing that we normally would say one way in English. and for some odd reason i can use big words in spanish writing but not in english, and i feel like my spanish is very limited. overall, if i had to chose my favorite spanish singer, it would most definitely be alejandro sanz, before he made that god awful song with Shakira. he's a master of the poem/song. the way he delivers to you a verse in poem format but keeping in sync with the music just amazes me. his lyrics are exactly what i like to talk about, and hes just overall unique.

i had more trouble writing my shit in english than i did with this one. it might have been the weather and the sky, the music, or maybe a memory i had , but i really like this poem and i think it came out great. i think that the greatest achievement for any singer/songwriter is when people sing along and appreciate your work, not to mention how your work inspires others. to me, that would be the greatest honor of all, inspiring others.  and now i just gotta work on someone to give this poem to. Enjoy, from the deepest part of my soul.

    

Change

i hate those moments in life when you know that something will never be the same again. it gives me that nauseous feeling that your going to puke mixed with a knot in your stomach. you become so accustomed to a person or a way of life that you dont know how to function without them. i try to do everything i can to forget that feeling. i work my ass off, i go run, write in this blog, etc. i feel like im overstaying my time here, and the fucked up part is im trying to do things and be at peace with myself and with family and friend(s?) when its almost too late.

the thing about my situation is, i know the change is coming. i know things wont be the same for me after i turn 22 in april. a new chapter of my life is about to start. i wish i can take everyone i love and care about with me, because without them im just a normal person. i NEED them. I NEED you. everyone that has touched my life in one way or the other, i need you. but i'll be happy where im going, i know i will. here's the catch though, i wont have anyone to enjoy it with. ive always been the type of person that prefers to be alone, not be bothered, and i mind my own business. but it fucking sucks being far away from the people who know you and love you and call you funny nicknames that count as inside jokes as well. i'll miss that the most. i know im not the most affectionate person out there, but i do enjoy it when people make their appreciation for me and what i do known to me.

i dont know if its just me and i think too much, or im over-exaggerating this shit, but every day that passes by, at the end of the night, im thinking about the day that i pack up my bags and leave. that's what hurts me the most, but i guess good things always come out of the bad. now im in a situation where i want to leave, i want to start over, i want a new life, but im just now finding myself meeting some great new people and making new friends. this always happens. but thats life i guess. we have to adapt to a different way of living if we expect to survive.

i dont even know what the hell im saying anymore. all i know is that i truly wish i can stay because of the people here, but i cant reach my goals if i stay. every moment i spend with everyone i really do cherish, even if it doesnt look like it. i guess change is good for everybody, if you know how to handle it.