Russian Roulette

everyday to me is a learning process. not only do i try to learn something everyday to better myself, but i learn about myself as well. sometimes when i think im right in a situation, i replay it in my head and realize that the majority of time, im wrong. im blinded by my own arrogance and selfishness. i dont see things from the other persons point of view and i end up upsetting or disappointing them. i try to run away from that part of me, but i feel chained in the abyss that lives within. the harder i run, the more consumed i get, like a shadow that follows you in the dark.

i stay up at night trying to forgive myself for the people that i hurt in my life. some nights i cant sleep at all because of the deep sadness and emptiness i feel inside. forgiveness is earned, but i feel like i dont do anything to make things right. im trying to swim forward in a pool of mistakes, but im swimming against the tide and drowning. thats part of the reason i keep myself quarantined. i dont want to infect people with my virus. my problems should not become the problems of others.

ive felt disappointment my whole life, so at a young age i decided for myself that i would be there for people that needed me. my philosophy at the time was simple: i wanted to be there for people because no one was ever there for me. i didnt want someone to feel that seclusion and loneliness that i felt. people deserved more than that. but as i got older, i realized that people dont care about you, no matter what you do for them. slowly my world came crumbling down, and i was left alone in the ashes and ruble. that was the time i started giving up. i didnt deserve to be treated like some sort of stress pillow. i never wanted something in return from these people, but to be just forgotten like i never existed? all of a sudden, the dark feelings i was trying to prevent other people from having were growing in me. my pessimistic attitude was born.

life and nature have a weird way of helping you though. im a firm believer that everyone enters and leaves your life according to their time. i still dont know what to make of the hand nature has dealt me, but so far, im more than appreciative of my support. sometimes we do get dealt a bad hand, but its up to us to try and make the best out of it. the people we meet and let in to our soul will always be a gamble because they have the power to help and build us up or tear us down. when we open up to someone, we bet everything and go all in. thats the only way to truly understand someone. sometimes we open up for the wrong people, but thats part of the game. people can be hit or miss. just like russian roulette.        

Fear Is What Gives Men Wings

these breaks i take in between posts are terrible. right when i think im starting to gain momentum, i stop writing. i have so many things i want to write about but nothing ever materializes. ideas always sound better in your head than when you write them down.

during these last few months ive felt a cocktail of emotions. i thought i knew how to handle them, but ive gone all in on a losing hand. its fear. im afraid of losing whats left of me. the little part of myself that i save for people who deserve to know the real me. slowly its fading away into nothing more than a memory. no matter how hard i try to change, there is always something that wants to see me fail. so far ive done a pretty good job of keeping myself under control, but how much more of this can i take? im afraid of what will come out when i finally lose myself. i dont even want to know.

in my mind i always wonder how people live so calm and freely? i realize that that's one of my problems. i think about everything i see. and when i cant find the answer, the question never stops bothering me. its a daily cycle. i dont know why not having an answer bothers me so much. i know that in life, sometimes the most beautiful things we see or do dont have an answer. one question that i ask myself recently is what makes me cold minded. is it jealousy i feel towards people that i see genuinely happy? or is it knowing that ive had to work for everything i had while some people where born into it? or maybe its the loneliness growing inside that ive felt most my life?

im still nocturnal. there were some nights i didnt sleep at all. thinking. waiting for a thought to help me go to sleep. all i could think about was my fear. i understand we all feel afraid at some point in time, but usually people have some sort of self assurance, like a book or someone else. in my case i really dont have many options. i have to face my fears head on. ive been dissapointed so many times in my life now that i feel immune to the effects their choices. there have been plenty of times people have just left me when i was at my lowest. even though they did that, it helped me deal with things on my own.

every once in awhile i do wish i had someone to go to, but i remember everything that ive gone through, ive been alone. what drives me isnt the will to move forward.. far from it. its fear. my fear of failure. i dont want it to catch up with me or to be eaten alive by it. after all, its fear that gives men wings.