Russian Roulette

everyday to me is a learning process. not only do i try to learn something everyday to better myself, but i learn about myself as well. sometimes when i think im right in a situation, i replay it in my head and realize that the majority of time, im wrong. im blinded by my own arrogance and selfishness. i dont see things from the other persons point of view and i end up upsetting or disappointing them. i try to run away from that part of me, but i feel chained in the abyss that lives within. the harder i run, the more consumed i get, like a shadow that follows you in the dark.

i stay up at night trying to forgive myself for the people that i hurt in my life. some nights i cant sleep at all because of the deep sadness and emptiness i feel inside. forgiveness is earned, but i feel like i dont do anything to make things right. im trying to swim forward in a pool of mistakes, but im swimming against the tide and drowning. thats part of the reason i keep myself quarantined. i dont want to infect people with my virus. my problems should not become the problems of others.

ive felt disappointment my whole life, so at a young age i decided for myself that i would be there for people that needed me. my philosophy at the time was simple: i wanted to be there for people because no one was ever there for me. i didnt want someone to feel that seclusion and loneliness that i felt. people deserved more than that. but as i got older, i realized that people dont care about you, no matter what you do for them. slowly my world came crumbling down, and i was left alone in the ashes and ruble. that was the time i started giving up. i didnt deserve to be treated like some sort of stress pillow. i never wanted something in return from these people, but to be just forgotten like i never existed? all of a sudden, the dark feelings i was trying to prevent other people from having were growing in me. my pessimistic attitude was born.

life and nature have a weird way of helping you though. im a firm believer that everyone enters and leaves your life according to their time. i still dont know what to make of the hand nature has dealt me, but so far, im more than appreciative of my support. sometimes we do get dealt a bad hand, but its up to us to try and make the best out of it. the people we meet and let in to our soul will always be a gamble because they have the power to help and build us up or tear us down. when we open up to someone, we bet everything and go all in. thats the only way to truly understand someone. sometimes we open up for the wrong people, but thats part of the game. people can be hit or miss. just like russian roulette.