Fear Is What Gives Men Wings

these breaks i take in between posts are terrible. right when i think im starting to gain momentum, i stop writing. i have so many things i want to write about but nothing ever materializes. ideas always sound better in your head than when you write them down.

during these last few months ive felt a cocktail of emotions. i thought i knew how to handle them, but ive gone all in on a losing hand. its fear. im afraid of losing whats left of me. the little part of myself that i save for people who deserve to know the real me. slowly its fading away into nothing more than a memory. no matter how hard i try to change, there is always something that wants to see me fail. so far ive done a pretty good job of keeping myself under control, but how much more of this can i take? im afraid of what will come out when i finally lose myself. i dont even want to know.

in my mind i always wonder how people live so calm and freely? i realize that that's one of my problems. i think about everything i see. and when i cant find the answer, the question never stops bothering me. its a daily cycle. i dont know why not having an answer bothers me so much. i know that in life, sometimes the most beautiful things we see or do dont have an answer. one question that i ask myself recently is what makes me cold minded. is it jealousy i feel towards people that i see genuinely happy? or is it knowing that ive had to work for everything i had while some people where born into it? or maybe its the loneliness growing inside that ive felt most my life?

im still nocturnal. there were some nights i didnt sleep at all. thinking. waiting for a thought to help me go to sleep. all i could think about was my fear. i understand we all feel afraid at some point in time, but usually people have some sort of self assurance, like a book or someone else. in my case i really dont have many options. i have to face my fears head on. ive been dissapointed so many times in my life now that i feel immune to the effects their choices. there have been plenty of times people have just left me when i was at my lowest. even though they did that, it helped me deal with things on my own.

every once in awhile i do wish i had someone to go to, but i remember everything that ive gone through, ive been alone. what drives me isnt the will to move forward.. far from it. its fear. my fear of failure. i dont want it to catch up with me or to be eaten alive by it. after all, its fear that gives men wings.