A Bit Closer To Heaven

it started out like the other dreams. you never remember the beginning, but the middle and end are what matter most anyway. i was in an unnamed city walking alone at night. it was winter time, snow was falling like confetti, the mix of light wind and ice peppered my face. all around, the buildings and skyscrapers intimidated me. i didnt know where i was going, but all i had in the pocket of my jacket was a lighter and a box of smokes. it was perfect smoking weather. i light one and take a long, deep drag. the nicotine hit my system like heroin in a junkie. i exhaled the stress.

the people on the streets paid no attention to me. even at this late hour of the night, the sidewalks were littered with characters. junkies, homeless, drug dealers, tourists, police, and your occasional prostitute. it felt like home. the inner city chaos was probably the reason i was there; i have a habit of observing people interact. i kept walking, leaving behind the crowd and taking a side street into an alley. the sounds of people and police sirens faded away. snow was now falling with higher intensity. by this time i was on my third cigarette, each pull i exhaled felt better than the last, so why stop now?

the alley felt like it went on forever. each step i took forward only made the exit move farther away. before i could notice, the blizzard began. i went into a full sprint towards the end. i still had a smoke in my mouth while i was running, but i noticed that it was completely frozen. i spit it out and keep going, dumpsters and aging walls turning into a blur. my face was going numb, but i could still feel the ice and snow cut my face like daggers. my fingers turned into icicles, my nose was frozen with thick ice, and my legs were getting heavier with every stride. i wanted to keep my pace but i fall. the exit out of the alley was about  ten feet from where i was. crawling towards the end, it was no use. my legs were frozen solid, the ice making its way to my torso. i tried as hard as i could to make it up, but i failed. my lungs were freezing from the inside. my last gasp of air evaporated into nothing. i was within arms length of the exit but i prepared for the inevitable. i layed there like the outline of a murdered body. no pain, no agony. i died.

i dont know what this dream means. ive never had one when it happens in snow. some of the faces i do remember seeing but i dont know their names. the city felt familiar but it could be just my imagination. the dream was more terrifying than i could ever describe, its something that you have to experience. its something you should never experience.


The trick in my situation was that there was no trick, no matter what the movies tell you. No rules, no secret mantra, no road map. It wasn't about how smart or how good you were. It was chaos and luck, and anyone who thought different was a fool. All you could do was to hang on madly, as long and hard as you could.