its fucking hot. why the hell is it 80 degrees in the middle of december? i hate this weather. but at least its better than 100 degrees in the summer. these last few days have not been bad. i finally conquered my coffee addiction. and im starting to work out 100% full strength again. work is the same, school is no different. im already planning my next vacation. dont know where to yet, but its not going to be some place exotic again for a while. while i was up at 2 am just pacing my room last night, i began to meditate. i focused on a specific feeling. i focused on the feeling of being abandoned.
we've all felt it before. your awake at night all alone with no one to talk. all you want is for someone to listen. you feel cold and empty inside. over this last year i found out about it firsthand. i played on a soccer team. one day i called my friends to ask what time the game was on sunday. no response. i try everyone again a little later no response. then finally the next day i get a text at midnight from a friend saying that the team thought i was getting too much playing time, so i should come in as a sub. i wouldve been ok with that. but apparently they went to go play anyway without letting me know. i was basically kicked off a team of my own friends. they didnt even have the balls to tell me all this. i quit then and there. and i havent seen anyone from that team since.
i dont hate any of them. im not mad about it either. i wish them all the best. but how the fuck can you call someone your friend and not tell them a team decision? that just makes me question our friendship. but if you dont have the balls to tell me the truth, then we shouldnt be friends. get the fuck out of my face. and i guess thats when someone comes and tells me things happen for a reason. fuck that. this was pure bullshit. like i said before, i hate when people waste my time. obviously to them they could give a damn. i honestly did feel hurt. no bullshit. i went from playing the sport i love with some of the coolest guys ive known to fucking waking up ever sunday and seeing my cleats gather more and more dust as each weekend passes. i miss being a part of something. it relaxed my mind and gave me something else to focus on. then afterwards we would always go out and eat, win or lose. those were good memories. thats why i am the way i am now.
i dont want to be an asshole or a jerk. but it seems that everyone i meet somehow leaves and never even talks to me again. what am i doing wrong? im there for everyone when they need help. i never ask for anything in return. another supposed friend of mine from 6th grade. she was the first girl i ever had a crush on.we stayed in touch ever since the day we met. we talked even when she moved away in high school. i miss her. we would always talk about the old times in middle school. then all of a sudden she stopped talking to me. i was always the one that had to talk to her first. i was the one who had to call first. i got tired of all that. so i stopped contacting her to see if she would call. the last time i saw her was in the summer of 2010. its about to january of 2012, and still no answer. the only thing i really want this christmas is friendship, but like love these days, even that's too hard to attain.
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