Be quiet and drive

2 things. number 1 is i feel and look like shit. im so fucking exhausted. i dont know how much longer my body can keep up with no sleep. and it doesnt help that i quit drinking coffee cold turkey neither. i got a major fucking headache saturday when i quit drinking and all i think about is coffee now. i know i have the self control to overcome it, but now i know what a full blown addiction is. dont drink coffee kids. and number 2, Real Madrid fucking lost...AGAIN. I never talk mess about Barcelona, because they are currently the best in the world (yes i admit it). but what the fuck Real? you go up a goal in 22 seconds then you fucking blow your lead on poor team play. and a favorite boxer of mine, Amir Khan, lost his titles because of 2 referee mistakes. shit was not going down this past weekend.

but this addiction to coffee is what fucked me up the most. i couldnt sleep. i couldnt think straight. my head was pounding. after i woke up from 6 hour nap, i began to think "wow, people deal with addictions 10 times worse than mine, and they make it. so if they can do, i damn well can do this". i never knew that a craving for something so simple could lead to go almost fucking insane. i started to sweat a little, my hands were cold, all i could think of was that hot brew with 3 packets of milk and 2 sugars touching my lips and calming me down. i imagine junkies feel the same way.

it feels like something on the inside gets a hold of you, and a little crazy voice gets inside of your head, yelling at you to give in, give in you make it. your too weak. just one cup wont hurt. i try to drown the voices out from my head. i drink a bottle of water, hoping to quench my thirst. im ok...for now. i get home and i lay down in my bed, my head throbbing in agony. why is this happening to me? im a healthy person. i dont drink soda, i dont eat fast food, i dont each chips and i love to exercise. my chest and arms start to get itchy. it starts with one scratch, then it grows. i want to skin myself. i take a cold shower, the itch dissappears. im ok...for now.

 at night i toss and turn in bed. i dont have the sugar rush in my blood that im used to feeling. i have a problem. im trying to solve my problem on my own. im trying to prove to myself that i can overcome any obstacle that gets in my way, because i wont have anyone to help me in the future. the rage and desperation in me grow with each second im away from the poison. i pace my room at 2am on sunday. im trying to calm myself down with anything i see. i dont want to read a book, i dont want to watch tv. i need a drink. NOW. out of the search for a cure, i found my remedy. my ipod. the one thing in my life that can entertain me without saying anything. i turn it on and as im laying in bed, i hit the shuffle button. first song that comes up, ill sing and think about it. Deftones. excellent choice. what song? Be quiet and drive. sweet. i think about the song over and over. i imagine myself as chino moreno, the lead singer.  i imagine being onstage and screaming my lungs out to this song, and feeling the energy from the sold out crowd. the devil goes away, and now i am alone.

i woke up that morning feeling better. not 100% but it was a start. my stomach felt cleaner and i stopped feeling anxious. ive been clean since saturday, since friday i had my last drink. i hope i never have to go through some shit like that ever again. who knew something so simple could just tear your insides apart? i now know how it feels to be truly addicted. ive seen what addiction can do to you. i was basically almost insane that night. but i thank god that i was only addicted to coffee, and not anything else. we can all battle our habits and addictions. all i wanted was a way out. i just wanted to run away with someone, no explanations, just be quiet and drive. whether your addictions are good or bad is not the case, its you being in control of yourself that matters.

here's the song that saved me that night...