Thinking Too Much

i dont know how to feel,
there's a numbness all inside.
it'll take some time to heal,
but the pain just wont subside.

you never even tried
to get to know me well.
all the emotions that i hide,
are locked up in a cell.

you think that i hate you,
but you couldn't be more wrong.
with the things i've gone through,
writing this wouldn't take long.

i was never good enough,
barely sleeping through the night
when things for me got rough,
you wanted me out of sight.

one thing you never said,
"im very proud of you."
while every night i went to bed,
the failure in me grew.

the blizzard in my soul,
with an inferno in my head.
the void takes its toll,
down this path ive been led.

is this what ive become?
just say the word and im gone.
dont treat me like im dumb,
ill disappear before the dawn.

i was always the bad guy,
or so you made it seem.
but i never understood why?
im a casualty in your regime.

its too late for a fresh start,
the distance between us flaring.
but for me the hardest part,
was the day that you stopped caring.



as you guys can see, im back in my cavernous pit of self loathing. one would think by now i'd be tired of this shit. but for some reason, this is what i think im good at. writing about how much i feel like complete utter dog shit while turning a cold shoulder to everyone i speak to. i just dont get it. how can i be stuck in this perpetual circle of mental depletion? i laugh at myself when i look in the mirror. im  ridiculous. i have absolutely nothing to be sad about, yet i dwell on past experiences that have nothing to do with me now. lately ive been seeing a trend going on though. it seems to me bad shit happens when im starting to do good. i guess im cursed with thinking too deep into things.

i recently came up with a new saying about marriage. at work, everyone asks me why i dont want to get married or have kids. this is probably the greatest comeback ive ever said. it went like this: i rather be sad and lonely, than tied down and miserable. i think that's hilarious. then again i have a messed up sense of humor.