Universally Speaking

" My dream is to make yours never come true"

im tired. mentally, physically, and emotionally. yeah it kind of sounds gay coming from a guy, but fuck, thats just how i feel. its been almost a week since i came back from Cali, and ive had alot on my mind. in the end, it all came down to one thing: ive changed. i know ive been saying this in almost every post i put up, but this time im more serious than ever.

i was drinking coffee last week in the breakfast room of my hotel on Sunset blvd. it was raining that morning, so i took my time with my coffee. again, it was just me and my handy-dandy iPod. honestly, my iPod is my best friend and travel buddy. its something i can always count on being there for me. anyway, i just sat there watching the rainfall and i realized, im wasting my life away. there's a specific reason why i said that.

during the whole time i felt anger and hate, i never came to realize how much i was damaging myself. here's a breakdown of it. i spend too much fucking time hating other people for who they are or the mistakes they made. i feel like such an asshole now because the whole time i never gave people a chance. i was too busy shitting on the world to realize what an insignificant prick ive become.

im tired of writing about my hate and anger. those were the only things that were ever on my mind. i want to write about things that have molded me into the person that i am, not about my hate. the story that leads up to who/what ive become is more interesting than me bad mouthing everyone who isnt like me. And the rants just added more fuel to the fire. it felt like i was producing more of a hate diary than an actual blog.  i got caught up trying to release all my anger that i never took time to cool off and show the real me. i LOVE writing, but i noticed that more than half of my blog is me bullshitting about everyone else and not focusing on myself. im not going to change who i am, but im tired of having that persona that is self centered and closed-minded. ive become everything that i hated.....

im glad i realized this though. i cant fathom the thought of living the rest of my life with so many attachments and horrible feelings. it will take time to adjust to my new writing style, but i know i can do it. my whole life ive been alone and ive never been helped, so this shouldnt be too bad. the once hopeless is now the hopeful. whoever is reading this is witnessing a really big (but slow) change in me. i think everyone just needs some time alone to get their head together and cool off. i am truly blessed with being able to just get up and go wherever the fuck i want. im happy i get to be able to do things no other person as young as me can do. i love being able to go somewhere with or without someone. another person's company doesnt hurt, but i prefer to fly solo.

alot of people ask me why im the way i am, and i loathe having to explain myself. so this one time only, if anyone that reads this wants to ask me a question or you just want to know what i think about a topic, feel free to leave a comment or email me.  Remember, universally speaking, i win in the long run.

and on a final but sad note, Adam "MCA" Yauch died today. in case you didnt know, he was one of the Beastie Boys. those guys were probably the dopest hip hop story tellers to ever live. they basically made Hip Hop mainstream in the 80's. and they're the coolest jews ive ever seen.