Serious Delirious

one word to describe your state of mind at this moment. Miserable. thats the word of the day. i look like hell and i feel like shit. my back is aching from stress, i wake up with headaches, and im living off of 4-6 hrs of sleep at night. perfect combination for a heart attack i must say. funny thing about all this: i dont have any bills to pay, im not married and i dont have kids. i have no major responsibilities. yet somehow i still manage to fuck things up for myself. im in the downward spiral of life right now.

this is the price i pay for thinking too much. there are somethings that i cant let go of. its like the harder i try to forget, the more i remember. ive never realized how important mental health is in your everyday life. supposedly, positive attitude brings positive outcomes. i think that's total bullshit. positive attitude only makes you an easy target for others to take advantage of your kindness. thats why i act like a bitter fucking old man. people these days are pure savages. they're like vultures that wait for an animal to die. its like once you reach the lowest you can possibly go, they come in for the kill and tear you apart. yet in a way, im trying to prove something to myself. i still have this hope, this tiny speck of hope, that i can change for the better. i want to have a genuine smile on my face. my whole life ive been this serious and expressionless kid. can you imagine living your life with same look of anger and intimidation since you were a baby?

at the same time i contradict myself. i always profess how much i despise people but im taking a job in law enforcement, aka cop. im going to be a public servant. its my DUTY to help people. but somehow im ok with that. im not very compassionate or sympathetic with others, but all the jobs ive had have been in customer service, helping people. its something that im ridiculously good at, yet i absolutely loathe. but to me what makes it worthwhile is when people take the time and say thank you. i guess that's really all i want, to be noticed. ive had to live my whole life in shadows and comparisons of others. ive stuck to my way of life and ive gone farther than i ever would of thought.  but not a single fuck was given when i helped anybody out. who was there when i needed them? im not looking for any praise or gratification. im just wanting to live my life to the point that the people i love are proud of me. you cannot underestimate the power of words. yea sticks and stones may break your bones but hurtful words can make you commit suicide. its already happened to two friends of mine.

with that being said, i know that im not perfect. i try to live a life that holds true to my beliefs. everything ive said i was going to do in my life, ive done. the one thing i cannot absolutely tolerate is a hypocrite. no one is perfect, i know that. but why the fuck would you tell someone you dont do something or you dont act a certain way, then a few days later your breaking your own rule? it especially pisses me if its something that you have control of and you can make a clear decision about it. i just remove myself from the situation and leave. i have not time for hypocrisy. all of us make decisions.analyze and think about the consequences of your actions. but most of all, be true to yourself. dont say one thing and do another. they say a person shows their true character when they make decisions when no one is looking.

this post was more of a rant than it was about a topic. writing is writing and its what i like. and by the way, people that read my blog, blogging does not make you a writer. that is the dumbest shit i have ever heard. bloggers have absolutely no writing ability whatsoever (like me). whoever said bloggers are writers must have the education of eight grader that flunked reading twice. as i told a co worker if mine the other day, writers get paid AND they get laid. i thought that was some pretty funny shit, that was my one-liner for the day. but seriously, bloggers write like if it was a diary. writers actually have creative talent. i write out of sheer pleasure. and i love how down to earth i am. i hate myself, i admit that im not good looking, and i take every compliment about me as sarcasm. for the record, thats why i hate compliments. i always take it as sarcasm and people making fun of me or trying to make me feel better. i know, im fucking crazy right? but oh well. i sense a walk around downtown tomorrow night. if you need me, ill be elaborating on the sociological tendencies of human beings when under crushing amounts of pressure and stress. im just fucking with you, im probably just going to mope around bayou next to the aquarium and mind my own business, as usual.