Put A Ring On It

back again.

i couldnt stay away for too long. the sudden urges to write, reading 3 books at once, words and letters swirling around in my head like alphabet soup. i was bound to relapse. writing has been and always will be my drug of choice.

10:37pm. my laptop, a cup of coffee, and a playlist of music that most would consider murderous jargon. i think of it as relaxing meditation for the morbid curiosity. cant say ive always been this way. im not going to waste time trying to find someone, something, or a life event to blame my social detachment to what most consider "normal". this is my therapy session and my sanctuary. years of being an outsider have prepared me to face the challenges of keeping up this front that i have. no, i dont have anything to hide. the front is for your own protection. youre not gonna like what you see on the other side.

horror movies and books on the path through hell and finding eternal salvation are my new interest. i  do believe in god, but not religion. the bible? its nothing more than a book of bedtime stories. how is it you can believe that a man walked on water, fed thousands with only a piece of bread, and cured the sick? But you cant believe in any of the greek, roman, or asian mythology stories that their respected societies beliefs come from? the bible is just a metaphor for human beings teaching what is and isnt socially acceptable. nothing more. studies show that the smarter you are the less likely you believe in a supreme being. since the beginning of time, anything that a human did not understand, they saw as a miracle, until science and math proved it. in sir isaac newtons time, it was understood as fact that the earth was flat, the heavens were in the clouds, and that the earth was the at the center of the universe. sir isaac proved all of them wrong. he proved through algebra and astronomy that what they thought to be fact was indeed false. believers didnt want to accept it, so they viewed science and astronomy as threats to their faith. this still goes on today.

the dreams are on their way back. one of them started today. dreams have a interesting way of starting out, you never remember the beginning. in this dream though, im laying on the cold, damp floor in a dimly lit room. i couldnt see the walls around me, but i could see the outline of a metal prison door. i think i was in solitary confinement. the odd part was that i was wearing civilian clothes, not a prison jumpsuit.i try to lift myself up with my hands, but an unbearable pain shot through me. still laying down, i looked at my right hand. my ring finger had been cut clean off. i wasnt bleeding, but the searing pain was almost unbearble. my finger was laying next to me. to my amazement, it had a ring on it. i use my left hand to take off the ring, and thats when i woke up. at the exact moment i woke up, i had an...undescribable feeling on the finger that had been amputated, almost pain like. what could it mean? is it a sign of things to come? im not married and i have no interest in getting married. but why the ring and the mutilation? who was i married to? with  every answer i find, 2 more questions arise. 

i havent rambled like that in so long. the self gratification that comes from writing is intoxicating to me. knowing that i write and people read is an accomplishment in itself. the ultimate for of self expression. every key stroke, every pause in between sentences, every sip of coffee that i take brings back a feeling of nostalgia that only a few things do to me. everything has its consequences though. i can already feel the insomnia seeping in through the keyboard, into my fingers, and making its final stop in my brain. i hope i can regain some of the writing talent that i thought i once had. this isnt my personal diary/journal. this a window. a door into my soul. a place where every answer yields more questions.