More Human Than Human

there are times in my life when i cant handle my own thoughts anymore. the glue that keeps me intact starts to grow weak. my psyche takes a beating to the head with a baseball bat. the insecurities that are drowned out by the poker face i put on for the world are slowly making its way to the surface. im questioning my own decisions and face the never ending drama my mind plays in my subconscious. whats happening to me? in my dreams i even have my own book: THE MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES, written by Me.

the weight of being the pretender is beginning to make me fold. i hear people's (or they tell me) horror stories of overcoming adversity all the time, the struggle they went through to achieve their goal. at the end of their story everyone applauds and hugs begin to be served out like candy, tears wiped from eyes, congratulations being given. as all this happens, im just standing there, trying find a way to sympathize. ive become so consumed by finding out whats morally right or wrong that i prefer not to choose sides. i analyze every situation and try to find the correct approach, but like life, its never easy. i finally came to a conclusion: i dont care. sympathy is a word thats lost its place and meaning in my vocabulary. instead of looking at a possible positive outcome, i immediately pick at the negative. "bad things happen to stupid people, they deserved it, what did they think was going to happen" what does all that say about me and the type of person i am? even THAT'S bothering me. im actually taking into consideration what people think about me. i want to be accepted but at the same time, i dont. i want to fit in, but i cant. the unnecessary drama that comes from friendships or any social contact are part of the reason i cant handle it. i dont have patience for that, nor the tolerance.

the dreams are getting out of hand. over the last few days ive had terrible nightmares. in the first one, i lose all my teeth and my mouth  becomes grotesquely disfigured. another night, i dreamed i was a police officer in a life or death situation. i lived, but at the expense of someone else. A lot of people say God talks to you in your dreams. if thats true, i would like to ask him why my dreams are becoming progressively violent as the days wear on. what do these dreams mean? what is my subconscious trying to tell me? these dreams arent some mathematical equation i can just try and figure out. im losing more and more sleep because i dont know what i'll be dreaming about that night. im afraid of what i'll see, but i think the dreams are the opinions i have but never speak of. im not sure. maybe i'll visit a psychic and they can tell me something i dont already know.

even the things i thought i had gotten over are rising from the dead. the lack of support from my family in things i do, past friends going down a direct road to failure, and to me the most stupid ( and childish in my opinion) emotion that has haunted me: the lack of affection. the lack of affection is something i thought i could bury behind books, hobbies, exercise, etc. but its the only one constant when you want to understand someone. with affection you need sympathy, with sympathy you have understanding, with understanding you have connection, with connection, well, you feel something i havent privileged much. i have never been an affectionate person and i never did like people showing  me affection. but like any rule, there are exceptions. the times that i let affection happen, they came from people i was comfortable with, from people i care about. they are the ones that see past my mask, the ones who know who i really am and how to get the best out of me. i know that im capable of love, ive felt it before. the unexplainable feeling of euphoria in your stomach knowing when someone tells you it will be alright, and you believe them. its a privilege ive rarely experienced, but the memory of  what it felt like is what makes me appreciate it. the rare times my parents have told me are moments i hang on to, not only because theyre my parents, but because i know its hard for them as well. they always compared me to someone else and never truly believed in my potential, but i see that all they wanted was for me to be someone they could be proud of. " Im proud of you". even to this day, those four elusive words i have yet to hear.

everyone wants to be accepted, im no exception. but i know my maze runs deeper than what it looks. objects in mirror are closer than they appear, and thats how i feel. my problem may not be finding the answer, but the answer itself. 


"There's nothing more frustrating than solving a puzzle, than finding out it still doesn't make sense"

- Dexter