Until It Sleeps

Sometimes, i wish i was dumb. as arrogant and ignorant this comment may be, its just seems that those kind of people have less to worry about. im comfortable where i am right now, but most of the time my mind is racing with thoughts and worries, it just gets overwhelming. i think too much. im a slave in my own mind, suffocating in my own sea of thoughts and nightmares. what do you do? what do you do when your slowly losing a grip on reality? i can only imagine living a life where your unable to differentiate fact or fiction. im not far away from it. imagine waking up everyday not knowing if you were still dreaming or wondering if you ever even went to sleep in the first place. i feel like my mind is wearing a straight jacket while being locked away in an asylum. as i get closer to the answers that im looking for, another question comes up. this is my daily routine, feeling helpless but hopeful with every passing day for a lead in finding my answers.

at the same time, i feel privileged in knowing that i can find a deeper and more profound meaning in the most simplest of things. i admit (a little arrogantly), i am a good conversation starter. im extremely humbled when people i dont even know tell me they like my blog. it makes me appreciate my writing abilities even more, because although i am nowhere near a good writer, i know its not easy to be able to jot down ones thoughts, especially in my case, since im always thinking about something. i wouldnt necessarily call impromptu writing a gift of mine, its just something that has grown on me over time as form of emotional expression. writing and thinking for me developed more out of necessity than personal choice. there have been times where physical expression never adequately described what i felt, so instead of tearing myself apart or drowning my emotions in drugs and depression, i went to pen and paper. 

like all personal abilities, there's a pro and con to it. the pros are what keep me alive and sane, while the cons drive me to the edge of self destruction and insanity. privileged is the person who knows how to use their best traits to better themselves, the fool is the one who lets their potential go to waste. our world is the Garden Of Earthly Delights, which basically showcases the 3 stages of human existence: the birth of man and thought, modern times, and the afterlife. no matter how painful our lives may seem, we cant give up in our mental holocaust. the birth of man and thought gave us tools to survive modern times, with the afterlife waiting for us on the other side as our reward for making it through. i sincerely believe that writing comes easy to me because its my own way of fighting in the battle for finding my self worth.

coming from me (the most depressing, pessimistic, self-hating person there is), im actually very happy that i think alot. i cant fathom the thought of living a meaningless life filled with paying bills and child support while working a minimum wage job and still living with your parents. even though thinking drives me borderline crazy, its the only thing that makes sense to me. the time period from when i was 18 thru 20 was by far the hardest in my life. i was dealing with so much all on my own. i didnt have anyone to go to. i didnt have a friend to talk with. can you imagine waking up every morning with the idea in your head that you're just one more day closer to dying? i felt the pain of failure and rejection running through my veins. it was my own kind of addiction, it was one where instead of me feeding off the drug, the drug fed off me, slowly eating me away from the inside out.

ive gotten over that phase now, but its still not done. i dont think i will ever change back to who i was after that moment, but at least what i think was the worst part is gone now. thinking is only a chore if you interpret it that way. embrace it. let it challenge you with its riddles and bury you with its knowledge. dont let your fears and addictions take over. calm them down, until It sleeps.

 this is probably the best blog ive ever written. it feels the most genuine of them all. and i didnt even say one swear word! by the way, you guys should look up The Garden Of Earthly Delights. its a beautiful painting by Hieronymus Bosch. i saw it in Madrid last year and it really is amazing to see the stages of humanity.